My aunt just called as I was walking out the door to school with my kids. My dad went in for surgery today to have his titanium bar in his jaw removed. She was very upset and says she has very bad news and is sorry to tell me- the cancer is back with a vengence. My first reaction was I'm so glad it's cancer! I was relieved! I thought she was going to tell me he died on the table. After like six minutes it hit me like a ton of bricks- right on the head at 7am. My dad, who two months ago got a clean bill of health( I was on here typing away at how lucky he has been)- clean x rays, scans,tests, is now full of inoperable cancer all over the back of the throat. One tumor so big it is blocking his air ways. They removed the bar and had to put in a threychiotomy(spelling?). They had to put him out after he woke up in recovery to put the breathing tube back in because he could not breath.
The doctor said he could do chemo, but that it cannot be cured. Why do the chemo again then? I don't know how my dad is going to take this news when he wakes up. Minute by minute I feel worse and worse and can't stop crying and feeling so pissed off at this sh*t. He has fought so hard and this is what he gets. Now he gets to decide does he countinue to do treatments- for nothing- ok maybe a few more months of being sick- or does he wait everyday to die. That is a tough decision. A big thing for me is that I live in California and he is living in Georgia with his sister, and I have two brothers(the spitting images of my dad- 21 and 25) in West Palm Beach Fla. a hop skip and a jump from him, and they haven't been to see him(or call) through all of this-the older one did once eight months ago. F them for not being there. My dad is just sitting there sick with my aunt. I am going to go in a few days, and have gone back and forth, and I feel like I haven't been there enough.

I don't know what to do. Look for alternative stuff, or new treatments, more doctors? The wind was blown out of my sails. I want to pull it together befor he wakes up, and I want an alternative for him. Asking him what he wants is the hardest thing. The thing is he will be the calm rational one- he always is. I don't want him to suffer or be in pain. I want him to live. I hate cancer.

Oh Karen.
I am so,so sorry to hear this. You have me crying here. I just got back from telling a realtor my story and how I must sell my house now, like yesterday, with tears in my eyes. Like you, I don't know what to do. Maybe the best thing is do anything that Dad wants and celebrate his life. I know I would not want to go through more agony with no hope. A last party of rememberence.Tell old stories, laugh, and talk about all the good times you all had had. That's Me though. Hell, I don't know what else to say. Cancer sucks, that's for sure! I know your Dad is a strong man, And all cancer patients know that we could get this news any day, We all pray otherwise, but it's always in our minds. See if there's something special that he always wanted to do, and do it. I know this is so hard for you. I'll write later. Stay strong , and you will get through this.
Petey

Karen,
I would be angry as you know what also.
Is there any way to talk to his Drs to find out what his options are.
Maybe another treament team can evaluate your Dad.
Will be thinking of you
Maggie

Karen, I'm very sorry you got this news about your Dad. Listen carefully to what HE wants when you get a chance to talk to him. If he wants to still fight for a little extra time with more treatment, give him as much support as you can (maybe that little extra time will allow him to connect with your brothers again). Try to keep the focus on what you can do for him, not anger at your brothers right now. You want his remaining time to be as peaceful as possible I think, right? regardless of how badly you think your brothers have acted (they'll have their own r4emorse to deal with eventually).

Nelie

Hi, Karen, Hopefully you will be able to speak face to face with your Dad's Oncologist [second hand information often leaves important things out] If in fact, the cancer is as advanced as you have been told, then his decision to fight it will probably depend on quality of life issues going forward. Is the trach going to be permanent? Will he need morphine to control his pain? How will he get nutrition, hydration, etc. Can your Aunt care for him or will he need to be in a hospice situation? It is very hard for you to think clearly when you have just heard this kind of news, but clear thinking is what will help your Dad the most. So Sorry you are having to face this . It is a damnable disease. Amy in the Ozarks

Hey everyone. Thanks as usual for the support. I didn't get to talk to anyone except his nurse. She said he'd woken up and he was alert. I am panicking because I am three hours behind where he is. I am not ready for him to be told that he has all this new, inoperable cancer. I am beside myself at how he is going to take the news. I want him to rest from the surgery and I want him to recover from this and be in good spirits. I don't want him to know yet.( at least for a few days- I want to express my concern for his fragilness-you know people diagnosed with cancer don't all prepare to die-they do get shocked- it's mind boggling how insensitive some humans are) I want him to be in a peaceful mind frame, not the "shotgun" blast to the face,again, and then the hospital send him home to think about his death until it comes. I am afraid my aunt is going to say the wrong thing. She was saying things today like he'd be better off if he just had a heart attack. "We are all going to go sometime." "Death is enevitable." I had to hang up on her and sit right where I was standing. I don't want her talking about death and what she thinks. I want to talk about his life. Petey you were right. I have been asking my dad about his old friends, trouble he got into when he was a kid, telling funny stories, looking at pictures. He knows I will talk about whatever he wants to talk about. We have a real mental connection. I swear we talk to each other without saying a word. My aunt is wonderful. I don't know what my dad would do without her, BUT she does say things that leave my dad just shaking his head. It has happened to me a few times- like this morning. I guess the brother-sister relationship is just different. I suppose like my brothers and me. And I would NEVER any bring up to my dad ANYTHING about that. I'll deal with that another day.
Well my aunt did tell me that the doctor told her that the trach would probably be permanent, because the one big tumor is going to cut off the breathing eventually. My aunt said she'd ask my dad if he would be ok with it permanently, but it sounds as if he is not going to have a choice. He had his feeding tube already, so this will stay the same. The doctor said he'll never put anything in his mouth again. My uncle asked how long they thought my dad had to live, and one doctor said he didn't like to say things like that. The doctor who did the surgery said she'd hope that he would still be around in six months. My aunt then told me she didn't think he'd be around in three. I am really going to get strong for him and will get all the info that I can get. I'm going there in a few days. For the record, this has been the sh*ttiest day of my life. Thank you and I really love you all and I think everyone here will be in every prayer of mine for the rest of my life.

Dear Karen,
the first thing I did after my Dx was prepare for my death. I got a living trust, will, advanced directives, etc. It was just one less thing to deal with later and once it's done it's done.

Death can be very "inconvenient" for the caregivers and frightening as well. Your aunt may just be venting and trying to give you a reality check here. Like we all respond differently to treatment, we all handle our death in our own unique way. Your dad probably already knows the dire straights of his situation and wants to impact you as little as possible.

It is sad but true that many doctors optomistically overestimate survival time.

With the support of hospice your dad will find peace and quality of life that will ease this "inevitable" process and give the family as much quality time together as possible. Don't waste it. Say what you are feeling.

Staying connected with your dad, asking about family history and his life will be extremely important as time goes by. These will be the memories that you will always have. I would also suggest journaling this part of the journey as well.

I lost one parent to a massive heart attack and the other through a short (one month), from Lymphoma, in hospice (at home). Death sucks whatever form it takes.

Thank you for your caring and prayers and likewise we will keep you, your dad and aunt in ours. I can only wish that I had a daughter like you. Your dad is a very blessed man.

Sinc the day robin was diagnosed my mortal fear is of the beast rearing its ugly head again.What would we do ,how would he react,how would i cope?The thing is karen we do and you will.Have some alone time to get yourself together then take a deep breath and pick up your armour and prepare to fight the battle again .Good luck and my prayers will be with you.

Liz in the uk.

Karen,


((((((HUGS)))))) to you !! i have no other words except I am so sorry , Take a breath and live every day with your dad to its fullest , Hopefully you will get to talk to his dr so you get all the facts 1st hand . I know you want the time to be just right before Anyone tells him, but the truth is there never is a right time , and as pts we are much stronger then we show or are given credit for. we do end up havin alot of weak moments though ! I JUST WISH THE BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR DAD !

Shar