So my mom had a ct scan yesterday and saw the MO this morning. Not good was the text I received from my sister while in the office.

They said that the tumor in her face is growing. She has tumor in her rib that has the rib ready to break. There are also lymphnodes in the chest that have grown.

They are doing a one time only radiation at the spot on the rib and starting her on taxol/erbitux once weekly.

Did I mention that I HATE CANCER!

Hi Colleen.

You have grown so much in the last several months - you have found a way to confront your fears in order to be there for your Mom. I know you will, with the help of family and friends (your OCF family included), find a way to be there for your Mom again - regardless of what path this disease is taking.

We all agree. Cancer sucks - big time. The best we can do is to be there for each other and make sure that none of us walks this path alone.

Hugs. Lean on your immediate family and friends - as well as us - to help you help your Mom. You will NEVER regret the time you spend with her.

Donna

Thank you Donna, you have always given me such wonderful advice.

The thing I am struggling with the most here is the fact that I just feel so badly for her, she shouldnt have to deal with this.

I feel like I wanna lay on the ground and kick my feet like a little kid and scream at the top of my lungs that this isnt fair!!!

Then lay on the ground and kick as hard as you can and scream. When you've spent all that bad energy get up and go take care of your mother. You'll feel better and probably sleep better too.
You're allowed to throw fits, it's ok. No rule against it.

Amy

If kicking and screaming don't do it, go upset a Japanese or Korean car . That will make a lot of us feel better. You scream, you kick, you cry, you do whatever makes you feel better and we will all love you for expressing yourself. It might help relax you just a little too.

Totally agree - do what you need to do. Might be fun to lay down and just have a total 2 year old temper tantrum! Get a block of wood and pound nails into it until your arms are weak. Its not fair and its not right. Your Mom should not have to go through this and there should be an answer to WHY. But there isn't.

I still struggle with control issues. I still believe in the illusion that I have control over at least some things in life when the truth is I don't. I do have control over how I react to them - but I have no control over the actual events.

Kick, scream - punch something and repeat. We understand your frustration and I'm sure you Mom is feeling some of it too. Keep posting - we're here for you.

Donna

Believe me, don't hold your feelings in. I too tried to keep them in control but they will manifest in one way or another and you don't want them to make you sick. Get them out-yell, cry, tell God that you are PISSED! Spend as much time with your Mom as possible and don't get to caught up in the rest of the BS of daily life-you won't regret the time you spend with her.

Sue

Hi Colleen,

I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished. You can do this too. I agree with the others, if you want to lay down and kick and scream, go ahead! Don't hold it. Forgive me if I sound like a broken record but I held everything for the first couple of years and I ended up having a panic attack at work, in a meeting with a lot of big wigs. I had to excuse myself and get my husband (we work together) and go to the hospital. Let yourself feel what you need to and express your anger anyway you see fit. We are here for you and we understand that this disease it terrible.

xoxo

Go ahead and scream..cry...kick...roll on the floor...it's okay to act out...