I am so tired of being worried about a recurrence all the time. I want to get back to my life before cancer, and I can't. Just before all this junk started happening hubby and I were discussing adding to our family. Well we put that on hold because of the stupid, nasty cancer. Then I get an all clear PET scan and my ENT said to go ahead and add to the family. I wanted to make sure it was okay to have another child. Well a few days after I get another stupid sore in my mouth. That one has gone away, but this morning I wake up and I have another one on the left side and looks like it is on my jaw bone. It may be just a sore, but I can not let this cancer thing go, and I am sick and tired of it. I no longer can look at an ulcer cold sore the same away. I am now constantly wondering if it is that stupid cancer coming to ruin my life again. M y next counseling appt. is not until August 5th, and I need it now! I am going insane and do not want to talk to or see anyone. You'd think I would be excited about a clear PET scan, but I just keep thinking what it if was negative. I know, I know I can not think like that forever, and most days I am okay, but yesterday and this morning have been horrible. Well, Thanks for letting me vent. I feel much better now.

Vent on, sweetie....sometimes it's the only thing that helps and throwing it out there where you can see it actually makes it easier to deal with.

Angelia,

We all worry about a recurrence post Tx and unfortunately only lots of time will push those thoughts further back in our brain. A sore throat, the onset of a common cold, a sore spot in our mouth, a nagging cough, any of these will set off all our alarms and why shouldn't they so close to our cancer experience. Hell we drive like saints after getting a speeding ticket and out life isn't at stake. It's just our nature.

Now that said, it doesn't mean you should dismiss anything either as needless worrying so if it bothers you, then change your appt and let your professional look at it. That's what I would do.

Well Angelia, you sound very normal. We all struggle with those thoughts and I know I have been helped by CLEARLY laying out my thoughts to my oncologist, and listening to what he has to say. I prefaced it with "you might think I'm crazy...but I need to talk about this with you". He/She will tell you there are no guarantees and they are right, but at least they can address your fears.

It would also be worth talking to a professional to help you learn how to live post cancer. Maybe your cancer center has a psycho-social service, or maybe your employer offers some counselling? I have found those very very beneficial.

Can anyone promise you that you will be around to see all of your children grown and you get to see your grandchildren? Nope. We want someone to say that, but truth is that no one can get that guarantee. My niece was 32 years old on her way to work on Friday morning when someone lost control of their vehicle. She left a two year old. NONE of us knows what lies around the next corner - and I believe that is a GOOD thing. All we have is NOW, and we need to make the most of NOW. We cannot spend our time in the future - it isn't here yet and the past is just that - past.

I worried when I got a pup about whether I would be around to see it fully trained, whether I would be burdening my husband with this dog, etc. and while there certainly ISN'T a direct correlation to having children, my psychologist's answer to my question is approipriate. He hasked me if I thought that people who died in car accidents or from heart attacks worried about this type of thing when they made a decision? The answer of course is no, they didn't. All we can do is live in the NOW. I think one of the hardest things is to let go of control. To accept that whether it comes back or not is BEYOND OUR CONTROL. We do, of course, do our best to be sure it doesn't - eating, no smoking, etc - but basically it is a crap shoot and there is no way for you to CONTROL what is going to happen to you. You have to let go and trust. Tough to do, but it is doable.

I am VERY happy you posted. We do know the feelings you are having. Try to be calm and stay in the moment.

Donna

Vent away Angelia, we will listen and think you sound like one of us doing it. Now if we could only listen to our selves and let it sink in as to what we say to others.

Thanks for all your kind words.

Angelia - Your "bejeweled" friend here - asking if you can see someone any sooner, just to get this off your mind that hopefully, it is simply a cold sore or something innocuous like that? Vent anytime you like and let us know what it is. My wish for you is that it will be GONE before you even see a doctor!
Warmly, JaneP

Thanks for all of your encouragement. That sore is getting better and does not hurt as much as it did. My ENT said that if it was not better by this Thursday to call and make an earlier appt. It is getting better and the swelling is going down. I am not sure what I did, but it sure had me worried.
I am addicted to "bejeweled". Aren't you?

Angelia, I'm with you on this dear, thank you for voicing it. I just got my ENT to talk with my surgeons in Seattle to try and reanimate my face or at least get my lips working again...but I was freaked out by an irritation on the opposite side from my primary and didn't know if I was going to go through the procedure...what would be the point if I had to go through this sh!t again? I'm wiht ya dear...mentally I'm wearin thin coming off of the pain meds I think.

Hopefully these thougths and feelings will supside with time.

Hi Angelia,
I think we all worry. MArtin has a cough and I worry, he sneezes and I worry, we also have this swine flu pandemic here and I worry if he catches, if i bring it home with me, he won't be strong enough to fight it. BUT it's just a cough, a cold... Our consultant is very pleased with amrtin's progress and says the cancer isn't back.
As for children, Martin has a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We had tried for children but then the cancer. Now Martin told me he was planning to get back to work seriously and save up for a year so that we can have a child and I wouldn't have to worry about money during maternuty leave. That's for next year, but he is positive... just very grumpy.
We need to be aware, but not worry it just ruins the good times.
Keep positive.
cecilia