Lately I have been having bouts with overwhelming depression. I know others on here have it much worse than I, so I feel guilty even posting this. My depression seems to stem mainly from the fact that I miss my old self. I miss the me that I was before this horrible disease. I miss being able to watch a movie and eat popcorn with my family. I miss even wanting to eat. I still have my peg tube and can eat a limited amount of things, however, because I can't eat what I want and when I want, then I am losing my desire to eat. I am getting so scared. I feel like part of me is losing the will to continue on. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have any of you experienced this?

Depression does hit so many of us and it can affect everything else but it can be managed and you should call your doctor. Tell him exactly how you are feeling - don't minimize and he/she can help you decide on a medication that can help you. Your health - emotional as well as physical - are important. You have enough to deal with just recovering from treatment without having to battle depression, too! The better you feel emotionally, the better you can take care of your health and start feeling in control of your recovery towards a new normal. Doing something physical helps: walking outside, toe touches (so oxygen gets to your brain), vacuuming (which I hate but did it just to fight depression), dig a hole outside in the dirt, or anything that keeps you moving. So call your doctor today and be firm - don't let the office people put you off. And be sure and let us know what happens.

I have days that I think the same way but I pull myself out of it by doing somethng positive. It bothers me so much that I cant eat properly anymore. Watching all the food commercials on TV is awful. Some people recover from this very quickly. Others take a while, and the progress is so slow it seems like there isnt any. Just think back to when the chemo and radiation were just finished what kind of shape you were in and how far you have come. It wouldnt hurt to get some anti-depression meds from a doctor. It might be worth it to check where you were treated if there is someone there to talk to. The hospital I went to had a special cancer therapist available. It sure is a long road to being back to yourself, we will both be there one day! Best of luck to you.

Christine, I must say the food commercials get to me too. Those nice juicy steaks or even the burgers. I think they are mean because they make me wonder if they will still be around when this is gone and I have teeth again. But as for now, I make do with experimenting.

I am surprised how depressed I get sometimes, and it is because, as you said---I miss the old me!! I am not nearly as bad off as most people on this board, so I feel very guilty being depressed. Yep, it's a different lifestyle after treatment. Without sounding trite, things WILL get better for you, but it's a slow process. Exercise has been helping me somewhat.

You should never feel guilty or hold yourself accountable for feeling depressed. Wealthy executives with everything in the world going for them get depressed, much less people who are going through what we go through.
When I first finished my radiation treatments after going to MDACC twice a day, I got very depressed. I found myself just being at home, doing an 8AM feeding through the tube and thinking..."oh boy, now I get to look forward to my 12 noon feeding. How depressing. If this is how my life is going to be, then I don't know if I want to live."
But then I found out about free counseling for cancer patients set up by an agency in town, located a weekly cancer survivor men's group, and, started taking a two mile walk every day and making sure I had an errand or two to run every day as well, and maybe have a friend come by for a visit or stop by the office for a couple of hours. In no time, I began to feel so much better.
We can't talk ourselves into feeling better. Depression is real, and, as I said, many people suffer from it, often without any external reasons. We have our reasons. Life has changed and it is a drag to go to dinner with people and be the only one not eating.We grieve for our old lives. But, the good news is that for most of us things get better. I had a feeding tube for 10 months after treatment ended and for a long time lived only on soup and milkshakes and Boost. Now I eat everything from popcorn to pizza to steaks, fish and Mexican food. Plus,unlike most of us, I still like the Boost!

So, keep your head up and do what you can to help yourself, even if that includes getting anti-depressants from your doctor, and, most likely your situation will improve and life will be happy again.
This coming from a guy known as a cynic.

Best of luck,
Danny G.

007,

I couldn't eat popcorn 7 months post Tx or even 1 year post Tx but today I can eat ANYTHING I want so there is a future but just give your body more time to heal. They say the rule of thumb is your body will complete it's recovery 18 months post Tx but I still feel I have more to go even though I would be happy with where I am if I stopped today.

CHEER UP.... JUST BE A LITTLE MORE PATIENT.

david,, quit talking about the good food things like popcorn will ya? LOL It's gonna be a long while before I can even think about it. And man do I love fresh buttered popcorn.

Hey Jim and Dave, What happened to the "road trip" It snowed again here, I need help shoveling!
Yes I remember the exciting decisions of rather to put 1 or 2 cans through the PEG and to watch a Walton's episode or CNN and wondering if I would eat real food ever again. I am eating just about everything now but not all the taste is where it should be. I can vividly remember when my PEG tube entrance got infected and I was in the emergency room thinking this is not good and getting quite depressed. My wife was a true angel for helping me through those difficult times. Hang in there x28007,
find someone to share with and.... it does get better.

Your feelings are so normal that reading your words made me wonder if I had written the post! I had an awful struggle with "missing the old me", it went on for a good while. I love popcorn, with lots of butter and salt, used to eat it two to three times a week, while watching a movie with the hubby and kids. Used to GO to the movies and do the same. I also love chips and dip, used to eat some each night after I got the kids and house settled, a treat just for me. I can't eat any of it anymore and never will I'm quite sure. But, I can truly say it doesn't make me sad anymore nor makes me feel depressed. I'm so used to it that it's a part of who I am NOW, not the old me. You know, I still "talk" to the old me and love to look at pics of me and the kids before my cancer. It's like a homesick feeling that won't go away. But it does dull to point that it doesn't affect your day to day life. You'll get there, it's a process and it's a difficult one. But we all made it, and so will you.
Love,
Minnie

Bruce, I don't know about shoveling the snow, LOL , but you can use my tractor with the blade on or my snow blower. Only used the blower 1 time this year and 2 last year. 20 yrs old and looks new. I wish us all a good day .

Jim - there are Jelly Bellies (jelly beans) that taste just like popcorn in case you want to suck on something that tastes like popcorn.

Anne-Marie, I have had those and they are very tasty. I can't take the sugar tho. Burns too much.