Hello Everyone,

I am sad to inform everyone in here that my mother passed away Saturday morning. She remained on hospice for 3 weeks but God finally took her out of pain. She died in peace.

I am suffering so badly right now, to the point that i am physically sick and cant sleep. Can anyone offer me any advice as to how to get through this easier? She fought for over two years with this horrible disease and lost the fight. I am so sad and this is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life.

We are having donations to this organization instead of flowers. Please give me the name, address and information so that I can tell our funeral guests where to send the donations. My mothers name is Sandra T. The donations will be in honor of her. She and my family both wanted to support this instead of flowers.

Please get back to me via email so I can respond with further information regarding my mother.

Thank you

Stephany

Stephany,

I am soooo sorry for your loss. If there is anything at all that I can do please don't hesitate to call me. Please know that your family is in my prayers.

Love,
Dani

Hey Danielle,

Can you please email me your number again to [email protected] Thanks. How is your mom doing? I have been thinking of you two and hope she is doing well.
Love,
Stephanie

Stephany,
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

OCF contact information is:

The Oral Cancer Foundation
3419 Via Lido # 205
Newport Beach Ca. 92663

Phone: (949) 646-8000
Fax: (949) 496-3331
Email: [email protected]

Stephany,
I'm sorry that it came to this conclusion, my Dad passed away 2 weeks ago (not cancer) and I know what a big hole the loss of a parent leaves.
May your God walk by your side
Sunshine...love and hugs
Helen

Stephany, I was very sorry to read of your loss. When I lost my father in 1984, I was in bad shape also. The only thing I have found is that over time, you accept the loss and move on. You never stop missing them, or thinking of them, you just do it a little less each week/month/year. God bless you, your mom and your family.

Stephany
I wish there were words or magic answers that will make this time easier. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. As Kirk said it will take time and you will never forget your Mother and all the gifts she gave you. You took wonderful care of your Mom and now just as when you are a caregiver you now have to take care of yourself. Please try your best to take a little time to relax everyday. A hot bath, a walk, and even if you can't sleep make yourself as comfortable as possible fresh sheets, plump pillows etc. and rest. Peace Denise

Stephany,

You were on my mind all weekend, I was wondering how your Mom was doing. I am so sorry to hear the news of her death. You have been such a great daughter and caregiver to your Mom. You are just beginning to grieve for the loss of your Mom, it's going to take time to heal from that. I know when my Mom died, the first year was the hardest for me. In my opinion, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is let yourself grieve, cry when you need to. I read somewhere that in order to heal you need to feel. My prayers are with you and your family.

Bless you,

Shelley

Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. Thank you also for the address to this site. I am giving all our friends and family the address and number for donations. I cant think of a better cause and my mom wanted it this way.

Helen, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. You have my most sincere condolensces. You are in my prayers.

God Bless you all.
Love
Stephany

Hi Stephany,
I was afraid when you didn't post for a bit that your mom had entered her final stages. I'm grateful her passing was peaceful for her and for you. Now you have to find your way through the grieving process and you will do it with the same strength you found to help your mother for the past two years. Bless you Stephany.
Minnie

Hi Stephany,
I am very sorry to hear of you Mom's passing. Please acceept my deepest sympathies. I know it is a very difficult time but may your loving memories of her help you cope with your grief.

Take care,
Eileen

Stephany, I am so sorry for this loss in your family. Mixed in with all the saddness and as time goes on you will find peace. Your family will draw together and support each other. There probably is no short-cut through grief, it takes time. Time to remember the good times with your mother and bank upon those memories.

My thoughts are with you and your family, especially your father whom will need your hugs more than anyone.

Thank you for supporting the OCF in this way, it means a great deal.

Take care

Hi Stephany,

You and your family have my condolences over the passing of your Mother. They say time heals all wounds. Like Mark said there are no shortcuts.
Try and remember all the good times you shared with your Mom. It may ease the pain somewhat.

Thank you for thinking of the Oral Cancer Foundation in sending a donation in lieu of flowers. It is very thoughtful of you and your family.

Best Wishes, Danny Boy

Stephany,

I am so sorry your mom is gone. I know you must be devastated. Your love for your mom shone through all your writing. Please accept my deepest sympathy. And know that your pain will lessen with time. For now, let the tears flow freely. In time, the sadness will ease and the good memories of your mom will take its place.

Thank you so much for asking for donations for OCF. I will make a donation in your mom's memory and challenge others here to do the same. For those who didn't see the post yet, we just lost another member, Smitty of Ohio. His wife Donna has posted this news on the general board. Please consider making a donation in his memory also.

Take care,
Rosie

Stephany, I am very sorry to hear of your beloved Mom's passing. I don't have the right words to say to you. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Carol

Stephany, we are all saddened by your loss. Your generosity in asking that donations in lieu of flowers benefit OCF is appreciated and needed. I wish this were not the manner that we were receiving donations. I promise you that the money will be spent carefully and that you may look at OCF's efforts and see the memory of your mother reflected in the work that we do.

Stephany,
You have been a brave soldier during a very hard battle. I know you were a blessing to your mother, and while it may not seem so, the heartache you suffer now will ease with the passing of time. It may comfort you to know that you will never forget any of the wonderful things that made your mother 'Mom,' and that one day you will be able to share memories - with laughter - of her...and she will be laughing with you.
God bless you and your family - and my thanks, too, for your donation request.
Love,
Nicki

Stephany,
I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. Having lost my dad recently, I would highly recommend grief counseling offered by hospice. They really are wonderful. In fact, they call and follow-up with me regularly, and it's truly been a big help. Grief too is a journey and it takes awhile to adjust. Slowly but surely I am confident that you will find peace, and you will always have wonderful memories of your loving mother.
I wish you and your family all of my best. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time, and really consider utilizing the support groups available to you.
D

Thank you so much everyone for your support. That is a great idea about grief counseling through Hospice. The nurses never told us about that. Sorry to be so brief, I am just sooo tired and sick, that I cant really type much right now. Rosie, and everyone, I am so sorry for those others that have also lost the battle with this awful disease. I am so happy to donate to OCF and have encouraged family friends to donate to OCF in lieu of flowers. Thank you all. I have received so much from this site and want to give back. Thank you. I really appreciate all the wonderful people in here i have met and how much you all have helped me. I am here for all of you as well.
Love
Stephany

Stephany-
No words can express the sorrow I feel. Over the past few weeks I have been thinking of you and sending prayers your way. I'm just sorry that I didn't follow my instinct when I passed your email address in my address book and just send you a note. I think God was trying to send me a message and I just wasn't listening. I will try to give you a call soon.

Sorry I haven't been on the OCF site regularly lately, Don has been struggling too. Hang in there...I know everyone on this site is with you in spirit and I know they speak from the heart.

You have all my love and prayers. Lorie

Dear Stephany,
I know what you are feeling. To lose your Mother is like losing part of yourself. Don't try to rush to a conclusion. I don't want to say that healing takes place, but eventually, acceptance does. It takes a very long time.
God Bless You and Yours,
Mandi

Hi Stephany,

I've only just read your message and my heart goes out to you and your family. Sincere condolences on the loss of your mom. Like yourself, we've just lost our beautiful sister who had surgery, chemo and radiation and was in her 3rd week of recovery. Such high hopes of a full recovery by all including the doctors! She just stopped breathing one morning. They said it was pneumonia. So hard to accept after we had the laboured breathing checked out by emmergency and her Primary Healthcare doctors for pneumonia. Keep wondering what signals we missed. We never left her side since she was diagnosed. Will never recover from this loss. She had just turned 50 and had such a positive outlook.

It gives me comfort knowing that she is in a better place with no pain, at Jesus's feet. We also asked for donations to be sent to the OCF which has been of tremendous help to us. Thx to all of you in making us more aware and better equipped caregivers.

God Bless
Emily

Caregiver to Rose: SCC Stage IV,radical neck disection, free forearm flap, 2 lymph nodes positive, Surgery on tongue - Mar05, IMRT (30) and Chemo (5)completed 8-Jun-05. Passed on 29-Jun-05 but will always be in our hearts.

So sorry, Emily, to hear of your family's loss.Amy

Dear Stephany,
My heart and prayers go out to you, May you find the inner strength that I'm sure your Mom has willed toward you to help assist in your journey to heal!!

God Bless you and your family,

Dee

(Curently just entering the long emotional road of treatment with my Mother)

I am so sorry. I hope you find comfort. It will come though now it doesn't seem like it ever will.

Bless you,
Barbara~

Dear Friends,

It has been MONTHS since I have been in here. Thanks to Amy sending me a Private message, I came back here and saw all of your lovely messages to me. It has been a little over 4 months since my mom died and I find myself not getting any better. I am so busy with work but find myself just bursting into tears, even at my new job, which I started right after my mom passed away. I just cry at the drop of a hat, these days. I never experienced anything like this before and I appreciate all your words of support. I cant imagine the losses you all have suffered as well. And so many of you are also survivors of this awful disease and have the best attitude. That is so inspirational to me. But, I get angry at the dentist that never diagnosed the infection in her gums. I get angry at family (outside my immediate family) for not being more supportive or caring. I find myself picking up the phone to call my best friend, my mom, and then I remember she passed and I just cry. It is hard for me to concentrate at work, these days. I am so depressed and miserable and find myself having dreams of her all the time. And then I wake up and remember she is not here. I feel so alone in this. My twin sister and I both find ourselves crying a lot, but, when I go home, my house seems so empty. But your words are encouraging. What I wonder is when I am going to start to feel better. It has been 4 months and I dont feel any better. I feel even worse. I see some of you have lost spouses, siblings, and parents. It is so hard. But you all have such positive things to say, so I will try to remember your advice, when I get down. Thanks again. God Bless you all..
PS: I asked for donations from my family to OCF and some contributed, which made me very happy. OCF has been such a support to me and my family!
Love,
Stephany

Barb,

You hang in there too!!! SEnding you hugs

Stephany

Dear OCF friends,

I just wanted to say again how much I love you all....I feel better knowing I have your support.

Love
Stephany

Emily,

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Stephany

Hey Steph I was wandering about you. I dont have any words of wisdom for you. My mom and best friend has been gone 8 months and i still find myself feeling the same as you. The anger does seem to get a little better, but i do still blame the doctors. I find the hardest part for me is being strong for my dad, he just recently retired and they had so many dreams, and that breaks my heart. I find myself daily calling when he is not home just to hear my mom on the answering machine. It brings comfort just to hear her voice. In time i hope it gets easier for all of us. Something I had found recently that my mom had jotted down.

Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as though
you'll die tommorow.

That is how I am now tryin to live my life.

Karen,

Wow. That is intense. Dream as if youll live forever and live as though youll die tomorrow. I have tears in my eyes. PRetty powerful. My mom too had many dreams. She was only 65 when she passed and my dad just retired as well. I call him everyday and do go over and have dinner etc. But it makes me so sad to go the house. I miss her so much. Karen, I am so sad for you too. BUt glad you are doing better. Thanks for thinking of me.
GOd Bless
Stephany

Stephany,
My mother was 68 when she died suddenly of a heart attack (after surviving cervical, breast and melanoma cancers). I was angry for a long time. She died in the CCU which I had a hard time understanding for a long time, especially since they blue skied her prognosis.

What you are being afflicted with are the normal stages of grief which can last as long as a 1 1/2 years (at least for the worst part of it).
I would look into grief counseling with either a local hospital or hospice center. They may be able to help you understand these feelings a little better and to also let you know that others suffer the same and you are not alone.

Gary,

Thanks again for your encouraging words. I am so sorry about your mom. Amazing, that she passed from a heart attack after all she had been through. I would feel angry as well.

I will look into counseling. Thanks for the advice. And I am sorry that I am not alone in this suffering..as I would not want to see anyone else suffer as I have been suffering. But I do know that other people have gone through this and have been very helpful to me and others in here, such as yourself. I cant thank you enough for that. even in your pain and grief, you take the time to encourage and help others. Gary, you are truly a gem.
God Bless
Stephany

Stephany,

I agree with Gary. You are experiencing the normal stages of grief. Everyone is different, but I can tell you that it does get easier. I still miss Heather terribly and seeing her daughter is a constant reminder of all that has been lost. But I find that I don't cry as much anymore, although sometimes the tears come just out of the blue.

I, too, still have anger, but it has lessened somewhat. I can't imagine that I will ever totally lose my anger over the situation, but it doesn't confront me every day anymore.

I don't think anyone ever "gets over" the loss of a loved one. You just have to go on with your life and eventually the pain eases. Be prepared, though, for you may find that your feelings intensify around important dates, like birthdays and holidays or the anniversary of the death. At least I found that to be so.

You should consider possibly getting an antidepressant, as well as grief counseling. Take heart, it will get better.

Rosie

Steph, here are some [hopefully] "how too's" to get through the next 18 months to 2 yrs. Be prepared for any family Holidays [Thanksgiving, Christmas, your Mom's birthday, etc.] to present difficult moments and tears. For those occasions, get out your favorite pictures, cook something that she would have loved, repeat a ritual or decorating scheme as she would have, spend some time talking about wonderful memories you shared at each of these times. Your Mom is gone from this life, but she will always be part of you and your family. It took me 18 months to clear out my Mother's house and disperse the contents, and I still have lots of things I'm not ready to let go of after 6 years.[some of them really dumb] Grieving is a natural part of living. You CAN grieve and function at the same time. Remember to celebrate her life! Amy

Dear Steph,
Be comforted by the thougtht that what you are feeling is normal.
I lost my mother in 2003, while she was suffering what we thought was a simple bladder infection. Once in the hospital, tests revealed that she had advanced liver and pancreatic cancer. The doctors gave her a month to live. This was coupled with the fact that my husband was on the floor above her with complications due to his tonsillar cancer.
It was the most time stopping experience. I never thought that I might have to fight for the two most important people in my life....at the same time.
Unfortunately, Mama passed away. Dennis is still here. I get mad at them both. Mama was such a steadfast woman who looked after her health, because she had just recently been through triple by-pass. My husband, at the time, could have cared less whether he lived or died. He is still here.
I try and rationalize how people grieve. There is no such thing.
Love.....hurt.......and do what you can to make that person feel loved.
That's the greatest gift.
Mandi

Rosie,

You have been such a support to me from the moment I joined this support group. Thank you for the insight and again, I am so sorry what happened to your daughter as well. I just find myself struggling every day to get through it without crying at least three times a day. Thank you for your advice. I am dreading her birthday which is November and the holidays since my dad sister and I arent really invited anywhere for Thanksgiving. It will be hard. WE dont have a lot of family left here and the family we do have go away for the holidays to other relatives or to vacations and never invite us. So I am dreading the holidays terribly..And I am thinking of taking my moms birthday off from work because I know it will be one of the hardest days that is coming up. So thank you for the warning..God Bless you Rosie. You help so many of us in here and continue to do so.

Love
Stephany

Amy,

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. As I mentioned in my prior message to Rosie, I am dreading the holidays. I will feel so alone. My mom was really the core that kept the family together..so I am fearful it will be just my father, sister and I grieving alone at these holidays. I am so disappointed in family at how you would expect them to be there more for you in this time of loss and they are not...I am not referring to my father and sister but other family members..Instead, they all get on with their lives and seem to not care. We will be invited nowhere for Thanksgiving and Who knows about Christmas. So, I am sad. Amy, I am so sorry about your mom. My sister and I are both having a hard time cleaning out my mothers things, but we feel bad for our father that is grieving seeing her clothes etc. but we told him we need a lot more time to clean things out. Amy, just hold on to what makes you feel good. You really can keep everything if that is what you want. I try not to get carried away, otherwise I will want to keep everything also. It is so hard. Thank you for sharing that with me as I anticipate that it will take my sister and I a long time to do that as well....It is so hard. You hang in there too Amy. I am here for you also.
God Bless
Stephany

Mandi,

I am speechless! I just read your message to me and my heart is so sad for you. What an awfully sad situation for you. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom also. I am happy to hear that your husband is ok. Mandi, thank you for taking the time to write to me with your kind words of support. IT is nice to know that my anger and my feelings are normal. You have no idea how much that helped me tonight. I am already getting angry at family knowing that my father sister and I wont be invited anywhere this holiday season and the fact that most of my relatives have not called or visited my mom at the graveside. I guess I cant expect too much, then I wont be hurt and angry. BUt I expect that in hard times, family should step up,...and they have not!!! Sometimes, I feel so alone. But thankful, I have a great twin sister and father and we help each other. It is so hard. I just wonder why people dont call and ask how you are. My recent friends have been so thoughtful and more caring than some of my family. That is what hurts so much. But I try and deal with the anger. SO thank you for sharing that this is normal.

Regarding your husband and mother, isnt life just amazing and strange at times. I even find myself getting angry at God for taking away my best friend, my mom. It sucks! It trult does....BUt I am hopeful that in time, I will feel better. What I find so hard is that unconditional love from a mother could never be matched by anyone else in my life, or ever in my life. I feel just awful and crying as I type this. This just is so hard.. I probably should get some therapy or grieve counseling but I am so busy with my career and everything, that I have not even had time to look into it.

Thank you again Mandi.

God Bless
Stephanh

Steph, I have started to write several times and have had to quit because like u I am having a really hard time with this. My mom would of been 65 this year too. And like you I find that everyone else just sorta goes on with there life and me and my dad are stuck in this place of grieving. What I want more than anything is some sort of sign that she is at peace, that it is ok for me to live my life and not to feel guilty. I feel i should've done more. I was her main caregiver, so that my dad could work full time so they would have insurance. She was 9 months out of chemo and radiation and i finally felt like maybe life was getting to the new normal. She was taken from me so abrubtley and i never even got to say goodbye. People tell me that god took her for a reason and she is no longer suffering, I guess I am supposed to find comfort in that, but I am not to that point yet. My little angel is starting kindergarten this week and I want my mom here for that, It just isnt fair.

As for going through my moms things I am mostly letting my dad do it at his own pace. i for one am nnot ready for that. I am sory I am not really helping much but I hope that u can find some sort of comfort in knowing u r not alone.

Karen,

What a doll you are. I am sure you were a great caregiver and your mom would want you to get on with your life and she is at peace. She knew she was loved by you and your dad. I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how hard it is. Be thankful that GOd gave you a little girl. I am sure there is your mom in her. That is a gift!

Thank you for your kind words.
Love and GOd Bless,
Stephany