I have been doing fairly well the last month or so, but lately while out of town working.. I am stating to feel to depressed. Hell I haven't even been diagnosed yet! I can tell when it get bad cause it makes me think of ending it all if I do get diagnosed. Anyone else get that way?
Would it really be so wrong to end it and not have to suffer? I doubt that I would ut just wondering, thanks!

rdb7777,
I hear the pain and worry in your words. Dan had the cancer and has fought hard like so many others on this board. God gave us both strength and continues to give us strength to endure as well as some very special family and friends. I can't even imagine life w/o him even with all we have been thru over the last two years. I can't say that I haven't been depressed and I have had to get meds to help, but everyday is a new day and we try to enjoy it moment by moment. Just take it a moment at a time and realize it is so worth the fight!
God bless and take care,
Debbie

rdb7777,

If I recall correctly, you have a wife and young child. Right? This is the second time you have mentioned suicide here, that I recall. These thoughts are not healthy and, given the fact that you do not have cancer yet, are of a far more pressing nature than what brought you here. I am no doctor but I do know that I'm on my second round here and ending it all will not be by my choice, and it certainly should not be yours. Please forgive me if I'm coming off cold here, but you need to speak to your PCP about some medication and perhaps some counseling. I want you to feel like you can post here but there is just no warm and fuzzy reply to this type of post. Please talk to someone now. Please don't get me wrong, I have been following your situation and hoping for a happy ending.

Good luck,
Glenn

RDb
Get thee to a Doctor and get some medication, NOW!
My dad tried to commit suicide ( stabbed himself six times ) and I am still angry at him.
Your family has enough to deal with , they dont need a major guilt trip on top of it all.
I just don`t sound very sympathetic do I ? Sorry.
Maybe its because we spend our time trying to help folks live.
Please get some help, you are giving up before you even start fighting .
I am sure your wife would be crushed to read this post of yours.
Take Care
Marica

I can't really imagine what else would be wrong with me and I feel like I am just waiting and waiting for an official diagnosis, I totally appreciate the replies! I just need a place to relate my truest feelings with others who have been there. I don't intend to bring everyone down with me. I guess I am wondering if I could ever really be happy again at all sometimes. I wonder if I will ever be able to sit and just be bored without thinking of cancer? ect.I am having one heck of a time accepting what I believe is my fate. I may be jumping the gun, but I am wondering if it is really possible to go through treatments ect., and still be comfortable in my own skin. I dunno...hard to explain.

Robert,
Glenn is giving you some excellent advice, as is Marica. Get some help and let your thoughts be on your wife and child, rather then something you don't even know is a part of your life yet.
Keep us informed.
Minnie

I have been reading some of the posts on coping and it has helped me..just wanted to say thanks to everyone here for helping.

rdb7777,

Let me say it again -- you don't know yet whether you have cancer, so you may be assuming something that doesn't exist. Even if you do end up with a cancer diagnosis, you know there are many of us here who have been through the experience and want to help you through it. Don't presume that life is worse afterward. I can't begin to list the many ways that my life has improved in the almost 16 years since my treatment, and my long-term side effects are so minor that they're barely worth mentioning. Focus on a day at a time, and if it turns out you need our help, we are here.

Cathy

I fainted in the exam chair when they gave me the diagnosis and I immediatly went on anti anxiety medications for quite a while afterwards. I also suffered from "situational depression" post Tx and was prescribed Proxac and later Paxil. As Glenn said - these are not healthy thoughts, especially at this early unDx'd stage. Normal people would be fearful but not talk of suicide. I'm no doctor but I would say it sounds like you may be suffering from chronic depression. You need to see a psychiatrist and get some meds for it. Pschiatrists are the best choice to manage the kinds of medications required for depression.

Suffering is part of life. It is unavoidable. It doesn't mean that it is the end of life. Some times we have to suffer in certain seasons of our life to recalibrate our values, heal our perceptions and rediscover what is really important.

Even if your Dx comes back positive, it's not a death sentence and some us here like Karen and myself (and many others) had advanced cancers and made a full recovery. For me, life is better today than it ever was. Like others have said here you need to take this one day (sometimes one breath) at a time.

My wifes father committed suicide when she was a young girl and it scarred her for life - Please get some help.

I will fight...However I do have my times because I'm so scared of not being superman anymore. That's all. One thing I have seen alot of people say that I have read about here and elsewhere that they are wrong about though. Some say they didn't have any choice BUT to be brave and to fight, well I think they are wrong they DID have a choice and I do think they are very brave and really ARE hero's.

rdb7777,
you are right, we do have a choice, actually many, many choices - I can fight and pretend I'm happy when I'm not, or I can fight and complain all the way, or I can just sit and be miserable. Or I can end it all. But suicide is something you can always postpone and keep as a last resort.

I am basically a VERY positive person, I believe that life is a good thing although parts of it are quite horrible. If you read my past posts, you can tell that I am good at complaining when needed.

no, you are not a superman, nobody is. But if a weak and helpless person like me can survive this disease, you can too. Maybe everybody is a hero in their way. But when you say we are very brave - no, I did not feel one bit brave when the doctor told me it was cancer, or when I started going back to work wondering whether I could survive seven hours of acting brave and cheerful!
And I never did make a decision to be brave and fight hard - I just decided to do what I could (I did think, do what I had to) at the moment.
All that said, please, talk to a professional about your fear and your thoughts of ending it all. There is no reason to be feeling worse than you have to! I have lost two brothers to suicide and i can tell you, it is a cruel thing to do to your family.
Wishing you all good things,
Leena

I find this entire topic to be out of place. I am going to come off as someone who is insensitive, but clearly when a person who has not even had a positive diagnosis of cancer is talking about suicide, that person needs to be in professional counseling. It's a simple as that. We are not qualified to help this person, as this individual's perspective is beyond that which those of us who have fought through pain and depression to have just another day, and then hopefully another, are of a different mindset. Our caregivers fought along side of us for each precious moment, and even after that painful fight still were left alone. We are not talking about suicide as the release from a terminal disease with no end of pain and suffering. This is a discussion by someone who clearly does not value life enough to fight for it, and thinks of his own suffering instead of that of the individuals who he claims to love that he will leave behind. After all the brothers in arms that I watched die in a far away land fighting for the last minute of life, the comrades in cancer who have struggled to the very end with courage and perseverance, (like the person who this forum is named after), and others taken away from us after difficult and emotional battles, I can't even relate to this poster. Discussion of suicide by rdb777 is an indicator of something else awry that goes beyond a potential cancer diagnosis. I am amazed at the giving nature of the individuals on this board that have continued this thread and the other related to the same issue with this poster for so long. Personally, I don't understand it all. Those of you who have read my posts and those of you who have cried with me when we have lost a friend know that I am not insensitive. But this is all too much for me. Attempted suicide itself in healthy people is a cry for emotional help. This protracted dramatic discussion on these boards can only reflect a similar despair. rdb7777 please see a mental health professional to work through your issues. If you find that you are indeed one of us, and you have drawn a bad hand for what ever reason, this group will clearly be here to help you at that juncture in your life.