Hullo
A friend has squamous anaplastic tonsillar and is now in week 6 of 8 week radiotherapy. He's suffering badly with all the things you all know about..he's fiercely independant, lives alone - and we talk on messenger. We share jokes, jibes and smart-arse dialogue but now he's obviously in a bad way.
I find it hard to 'be there' without either false jollity or platitudes. I care very deeply about him..and would appreciate any advice about how to be the best type of friend.
thank you

Small

I found that someone just being there was great. You will not believe how many people ran away from me, you say cancer and it can clear a room guicker than anything I know of. We don't care what you say or do, just be there.

The fact that you are already there means to me that you already are the best type of friend. I believe you should ask this person what they need and discuss how to fill that need. This time in the treatment is tough physically and mentally. It could be that humor is all that helps. It could be that your friend is struggling with the much deeper meaning of life. Only they can tell you.

One thing for certain (in my mind) is that they appreciate you for being there in any way.

Take care

Hi
Stay with it, I needed my best friend just TO BE THERE.. so do what feels right.
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

You are a great friend to just be there. Don't worry about anything and just be yourself. It was sometimes hard for me when people would visit and not be how they would be if I wasn't looking so puny. I watched a lot of movies with one friend who dropped by regulary. Or, rather, I slept while he watched...

It might not hurt to give him a flower and ask if there is anything else he needs. Just knowing you are there when he needs it will comfort him.

I hope he does better each day.

Ed

small minnow, sounds like you are doing a great job to me. As noted above, just being with your friend is a good thing. An occasional kind touch, a soft voice, a pat, all can mean more than words. Keep it up, I'm sure your friend appreciates it more than you can imagine.

Small Minnow
What a great friend you are, he is in a bad way right now, feeling sick as a dog and scared to boot . If he can eat at all bring him some soup. if not ask him what he needs. Maybe its just to hear a friendly voice or give him a wee hug.
Stay in touch with him however .
Marica

I agree with the others. Your presence is what is required. When I found out I had cancer what really kept my spirits up were the people who did not run from it, who were THERE. I have also been there for a number of dying family members...I am here to tell you every one of them APPRECIATED the jokes, and light hearted comments. If they wanted to talk serious, we did that too...I just mostly let them set the pace...and sometimes it was simply sit in the room for them and BE there.

Small minnow,
I agree with others that just being there is good for your friend. Many friends and relatives made that one call after they heard that I was sick, but did not call back after that. I completely understand. Before I had cancer I had no clue what to say to a person with cancer...all I could think was " dead man walking ". I lived alone during my treatments, although my sister, mom, and girlfriend lived nearby. I liked the privacy, but I did find that, especially in the rough time after treatment ended, that it was good for me if a friend or two came by to visit almost every day. So, stick with it, go see him.

Also, you don't have to walk on eggshells around a cancer patient. We know what we are facing, and hearing all that stuff like " be positive, keep a good attitude " goes in one ear and out the other. Many people with cancer like to talk about it, so ask questions if you are curious, and most importantly, be a good listener.

You are a great friend,
Danny G.

Hi- Well I'm one for the practical. What I really appreciated when I was sick was not the friends that said, "Call me if there is anything I can do" because when I really needed them I could not longer talk! It was the friends that would just stop by, cleaning products in hand that took the time to vacuum and clean my bathroom. And stock my freezer with a few casserols so I could continue to feel like I was mmeting my families needs. No one wants to ask for help, but by the middle of radiation we sure need it! Make it fun and tell them they are King or Queen for the Day. - Kris

Hello small minnow,

You are a true friend indeed. Don't be afraid to talk about cancer to any of us. It's on our minds a good percentage of the time. Especially
if we can't work. We probably share more on this great website than we do our friends. Who better to ask than someone who has walked the path ahead of you. Let your friend dictate what he wants to share. When he feels your support and concern he will share his feeling's with you. It's a real change in our life. Things that would bother you before seem like small potato's now. Some good comes out of all life's experiences.

Best Wishes, Danny Boy

Small minnow,
Your friend might be feeling quite depressed. Being quite used to independence, he must be frustrated at feeling so lousy. I don't even have to undergo any post surgery treatments but I have lost my contractual job as a result of my cancer. I know it's a small thing but financial independence is a big thing here at home and sure doesn't help to have advertisements about the need to prepare for financial independence for old age with rising living costs etc. I feel really lousy and very sensitive and being jobless gives me more time to spiral in negative thoughts. After so many rejections (or rather response-less applications) leaves me dejected and I just feel like sleeping my life away. Concerns from friends are either too much or too little to me. Gradually, I shut them off but deep down, I wish they will stay with me, talk to me yet I always feel that they are bored with me and would be better off with their healthier friends. Continue to be there for your friend and when he's ready, talk about his inner fears and frustrations if you are also ready to hear.

Sm Minnow,
Ask yes-no questions: Can I make you dinner? Can I pick up some groceries? This way you empower him. If you say: What can I do for you? You may be setting him up for rejection, and he doesn't need that.

Books on tape were my favorite gift for those long, lonely, dark nights.

When things get really rough for him, as Mark said earlier, identify what his needs are: driving cooking, cleaning, computer... Xerox the calendar month , rally up friends, neighbors to sign up for doing a job on a specific day that is convenient for them.

At first, i did not want to accept help from anyone for fear i could never repay the favor. When I realized that I was actually returning a favor: Allowing them to rise up on their ladder of righteousness, it was easier to accept.

Don't forget to send a card every once in a while. It's something he can display, reread, and if it is funny, it will bring another laugh on. The more laughing the better!

eva

I agree with the other posts. Being there for him is the most helpful thing you can do. I know when my sister was struggling and fighting this horrible disease, she said that she didn;t want to see anyone. She even made her friends promise not to visit her in the hospital. Instead they sent cards, letters, anything to let her know that they would be there for her whenever she was ready or in need.

Even though there are times when your friend may not want to talk or be around anyone, letting him know that you are there is the best gift. y sister's fight was horrible, but the abandonment that she experienced from some of our family during this time made it worse.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend.

God Bless.