Does anyone know why I would be so depressed and angry as hell at the world? This came on during the last week. I don't have a clue.
On a one to ten I would rate my anger about a nine.

Dan?

Hi Danny,

Goes to show you are as human as we all are. Feeling depressed and angry goes with the territory. I've been online with my sister in Maryland because since I got home yesterday from the service for my husband which was Friday, I've been crying non-stop and very, very angry. Angry that my life with cancer has changed so dramatically and life without my husband has been more than I can bear sometimes. Talking to my sister made me feel a little better (at least for the time being) for she pointed out all I've been through and how far I have come since I had my surgery last July. I'm trying to put my feelings in perspective but sometimes it's difficult. Needless to say you've been through hell and back and I can understand and empathize with those feelings. Venting helps - yelling helps - and for me, crying helps. Sorry if this note doesn't help but I read your note when I've been experiencing the same. Try to keep your chin up.

Nancy

Don't let it eat you up! You have so much & so little time to make the most of it! Find a way to smile! Fake it till you make it through this! My thoughts & hopes are with you! Your friend, Erik

Dan,

And why wouldn't you be mad at the world?? You look at other people and they seem to have everything, health and energy and plans for fun stuff to do, while you are sick and tired and scared.

Maybe you need to do a little of whining and yelling and kicking things and even breaking dishes. i find that breaking something in the kitchen is a sort of release, and then you sort of punish yourself by having to clean it up.

Honestly, Danny, your messages have been so cheerful and sensible, it's a relief to see that you are human too. I am angry at the world because of what happened to you, why wouldn't you be angry?

I am afraid I am not being very helpful.

Leena

Dear Dan

I believe it would be unusual if you didn't feel angry. Let it out - tears, bang your pillow on the bed, retreat. Whatever it takes, and when you are through, the peaceful and loving times with your family will be even sweeter.

Thinking of you, as ever, with love from Helen

You are mad because you have to keep being strong through it all. You are the person people lean on, which is a huge responsibility that I know you've gladly taken on. But you know that in the months ahead, things will change. Of course you are pissed, depressed.

I'm so angry for you, Dan, and for Scott, for Lynn, for all the others. It's hard to always be strong and face all of this. My heart rages against this horrible disease, that it takes so many good people from us.

My heart breaks for you. Please know that in many ways I understand how you feel.

love,
Christine

dan,
my sister is pretty angry too, and when she's not angry, she's depressed. this is taking a lot of her energy and wearing down everybody around her as well. i figure there is nothing to do, really. i think she has every right to be angry and sad at the way her life has spun out of her control, at the multitude of limitations, pains and frustrations she has to deal with every minute, without any substantial relief. i figure anger and sadness are part of the deal and she has to work her way through them. i find it really difficult to negotiate between the right to be angry and the need for peace. i figure this is a rough road and each of us are doing the best we can to cope and to maintain a zest for continuing the walk. i can see how difficult this all should be for you given your role and family responsibilities. perhaps the grounds you recently landscaped could be a source of solace. i find that gardening, having my hands in the soil, grounds me, literally and figuratively.

sending positive thoughts your way.

gita

Danny,
You have helped so many people. You can't possibly be up all the time. This to will pass and you'll be back to your old self. We all go through this. I'll be praying for you.
Mary Lee

Danny,

I too get very angry. Very angry. Why us? Why is there a 75 year old dude sitting up at the corner bar right now having a shot of whiskey and a filterless Camel 9doing the same thing he has been doing for 50 years) and he will live to 100 while we have for some reason been chosen to get this crappy deal?

I talked with my doc, they told me that anti depressants (spelling it too early) help this matter and they were right. They do help quite a bit. I am on a very low dosage of Paxil and it seem to keep my spirits up.

It is a lot to handle my friend. But we will get through it. God has a plan. Thats they way it has to be I guess (clearly the Paxil talking).

Even with the Paxil, all I can think about when I look into my newborns eyes is "I hope I live long enough for him to remember who I was" that, is what keeps me truckin through this.

Take care man. Keep up the physical stuff as you have been. That helps too.

Later. Drop me a line or give me a call if you need to vent some more.

Later,
Robert

God, Danny, if you weren`t angry, we`d worry! I looked at your post yesterday, and it made me angry, it makes me angry to see this happen to friends, and I spent 6 years being angry.But, I really believe that anger can be a good thing, it motivates us to keep fighting and not roll over and give up. You know we`re fighters Dan, and hell, we don`t give up. There`s so much love on this board for you, and your love and support for Packer and me through everything we went through helped us both more than I can say.You`ve given so much of yourself to so many of us, so please believe that we`re all angry and fighting with you.Packer always felt a special bond with you, since you were both Green Bay fans, so I`m sure there`s an angel with a cheesehead fighting for ya too.............Love and Hugs, Dee

Hi Danny, I woke at 6:00 am thinking about cancer. It scares me and depresses me at times but reading encouraging words from people like you helps a lot. I rely most on my faith to get by. You are normal, my friend.....I am thinking of you and praying for you! Love, Carol

Hey wait a min. I didnt know you are a Packer fan!

You have every right to be angry then. You will be even madder when the Bears kick there butt this season:) LOL

Robert

{{{{Danny Boy}}}}

When I get mad, I pull weeds. I have been on a pretty even keel lately, so if you'd like to make a therapeutic visit to Kansas...

Sincerely,
Lisa

Danny,
You have every right to angry. The sudden depression probably is the culmination of all the bad things just piling up. You have been here for everyone else for so long. We are all here for you.

Try to do something you like to take your mind off your problems and spend some quality time with your family. Rant and rave if you want. You are human.

Take care,
Eileen

Danny, You have a right to be angry. We all do. This is a nasty disease. We can only live one day at a time, and one moment at a time. Don't waste a moment on anger or depression. That isn't what got you through the first time, and it won't help you this time, either. When I am down, I pray for the Lord to take my burdens from me and remind me of his unending love for me. He invariably does this, usually through someone close to me, a family member, fellow worker, friend, church member. Once I turn the issue over to Him, I always physically feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders and my outlook improves immeasurably. Praying to the Lord is something I do every night and it makes me feel very much more relaxed and better. You are in my prayers every night. And I know the Lord has a plan for me, and part of it is to pray for you and others on this board. Please, as much as you can, throw away this anger and let others deal with it. Then you can concentrate on what is most important to you.

Well said Kirk!!!!!!!!!!!God Bless You!!!!!!!! Carol

Danny, you always have a good word for those who needed it. Sometimes the reality of this thing gets to you. You will come through it and fight again. We know you are not a quitter. Nothing wrong with anger, its part of the battle. You will rise above it as you do with the beast itself.

Danny-
I've been on vacation camping with my grandkids and young daughter and have just read your post. We all feel as you do at times. Life on earth as we know it doesn't make sense and anger is part of it all. Know that many people you haven't met yet are praying for you and asking God to ease your burdens right now. I truly believe there is a better life out there free of desease and pain and some of us will be enjoying it sooner than later. I pray he will comfort your soul and send you peace and strength. You have been there for so many of us and we are there for you now. Hang in there! Love - Kris

danny
i will be two years out of treatment in dec and depression has got me also i have pushed my wife and family away, i finally saw what i was doing and i have gotten help they put me on prozac for now and i am in cousling so maybe with gods will i havent pushed to far with the wife and for the anger only god knows how angery i can get i had all my teeth pulled before rad and i dont look like me so yes its ok to be angery just please dont push the ones that love you away they are there for you it took me nearly 2 years to see it
mike

Hey Danny,
Just remember you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I think we all feel angry and scared, whether we are the patient or caregiver. I still take Xanax when I feel overwhelming emotion coming on out of the blue...if I don't take meds I could just cry all day. I also get relief from prayers to God...we will never know why God allows this to some, but I can say I feel so much better when I try and give it all to Him.
Take care and know you are loved by so many!
Deb

Danny,
you are going through the classic stages of grief. You are grieving your old life as you knew it.

There are 5 stages in the grieving process and they don't always go in order and sometimes they occur simultaneously. They are: Denial, Bargaining, Rage & Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance.

You're already taking meds so at this point someone to talk to (like a psychologist) may help.

There's a great little book called "Death - The Final Stage of Growth" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, explains it very well on page 10. Don't let the title mislead you - it's really a book about life.

I read it years ago when my father was dying and it really helped my outlook on life.

Dear Danny
There is nothing I can add that has not already been said by your friends here....I cannot imagine the agony and grief this is bringing to you.
Our thoughts are with you.
Marica

Thanks for supporting me and my family. I feel much better already. My old life is gone!!! I thoughtI knew that already. This is a rollercoaster of a ride for me. Up & Down.
With the help of all my friends at the OCF I have made it this far. I wanted to let you all no that I plan on being around misspelling my posts as always. Every time I needed a pick me up I know where to go.

Thanks again,
Your Friend, Danny Boy

There will still be more rollercoaster days - out of the blue, I was shaking my fist at the sky yesterday, tears in my eyes. One day I'm laughing at my body "issues", the next day I'm ticked off b/c I hear another cancer story.

We'll always be here for you - good times or hard times.

Sabrina

Danny, look at what you have been thru and are still going thru. Hey just because a cat scan or whatever the test is, comes back clean or not, we are still living in this prison without walls. Who are we kidding here. We are all just trying our GOD awful best to deal, to cope, to understand all these words and procedures that are thrown at us. Hell until ORAL CANCER hit me, I never knew what a clear margin was. Or what a rad of radiation was. These are things I wish none of us ever had to know. I never knew pain like this. That never stops. Before CANCER, we had a toothache, went to the dentist, the horror of that was the deadening shot. WOW!!!!!!!! Look at what you have been thru. What your body, you mind, your soul and your heart have weathered. This is a lot. A ton. And our doctors spit these words out at us like they are telling us about a new flavor of kool-aid. We leave telling them----THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!. Danny you, the man, the person this is happening to you, then there is your wife, the kids, your entire family that you have to watch hurt, which only adds to the tons of things that you are already dealing with. You ask why???? Well my friend you shouldn't have to ask us why HEll WHY NOT? I am mad!!!! That my life was cut in half. I am only half living. I am here. THis is not living? Not to me it isn't. I am alive, but I am not living. I don't mean to sound ungratful, but damm I want some quaility of life. I want to be able to go and live. Not in this house. And people visiting me. I want to run, to kiss my husband, to play with my grandkids. I am alive and I pray that I will get better than I am, but I am still madder than HELL that anyone should have to go thru this for one day ,much less years and years. We love you Danny for all your words and your kindness, I for one feel like you do, most of the time, I am just a damm good actor, WHERE IS MY EMMY??Always, Miss Vicki

Miss Vicki That was GOOD!

Thank you, Miss Vickie. You said that just right. Even though I am in apparent good health, I felt for Scott exactly what you described, and I'm sure he felt that way, too, but he was working on his own EMMY.

love,
Christine

Christine, I think we should get him one then...I went to a trophy shop today looking for something like one. I did...I am going to get some if i ever find something like it....We all deserve a awatd just living with the pain day to day... Can I get a AMEN??? You bet!! Miss Vicki

Thanks Miss Vickie,
you very eloquently put into words what I struggle to say. As I've heard before, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of being "that courageous cancer survivor". The new normal sucks!! I sometimes just want to out in to the backyard an scream into the dark, but I don't want to wake the neighbors.
There's nothing wrong with being pissed off about what we've been through, and what we've yet to go through

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings.
Danny Boy- have a good yell!!

Chuck

Miss Vickie.....Amen, girl!!!

Amen, Vickie!! Amen! Just wanted to mention a good little book I just read, "There's No Place Like HOPE", it was excellent, written by a cancer survivor named Vickie Girard. Love, Carol

Miss Vickie,

AMEN...and amen!

When I read stories such as yours I feel so unworthy to be in your presence on this site. I have had no surgery, ONLY chemo/radiation. I struggle on some days with things that used to be so menial. I now have developed arthritis in a hip and shoulder and then a couple of weeks ago a herniated disc in my lower back. I know many people go through what I have in life and then much more. I think of you often and wonder why I feel I have any right to complain with my life. The only visible scars I really have is my new permanent "sun tan" across my neck and thenew curls in my hair in the back.

I am so grateful to have met you; I pray for you every day.

Ed