Hi, I have finally after a month of putsing around after surgery gotten a Schedule for my radiation treatments for next week. As many of you know each time they say next Wensday for your next step some one needs to be punched. I haven't even kicked the dog but I want to break something. I have so many ups and downs people and friends are comming out of the woodwork and wishing me good health and a speedy recovery. Now to the point does any one have any ideas of how to deal with the desire to crawl into a corner away from all the family and friends that need to find a way to help. I know they want to do something but instead of counting my blessings for thier concern and caring I find myself wishing they would all go away. I just want to start this fight and pray that I can win. My Mother even made me chicken soup, does any one need a gallon or two? Just kidding I know her heart is aching as mine would if it was one of my children. If any one has some coping ideas I would thank you for you help.

God Bless you in your journey.

Dave

Dave, my advice is...you are the patient , put your needs first. I had the same thing. My mother and sister were all over me..wanted to be around all the time, go to every meeting with doctors, go out to meals, etc. I allowed them to go to important stuff like initial meeting with surgeon and oncologists so that they could ask questions that I may not have been clear enough to think of.
However, I put my foot down when I wanted to be left alone or did not want them around.
My mom is 83 so when I took her to the hospital with me, I often felt that I had to worry about her comfort, hunger, etc...and that was not what I was there for...I was there for MY treatment.
So my advice is be as cordial as you can (Certainly we appreciate their love and help , and close relatives stay steadfast about helping where others , offer, but you may not continue hearing from them) BUT, remember... put yourself, your comfort, your peace of mind and your healing FIRST. When I could, I drove myself to treatments by myself...I just felt better being there alone than having to worry about the comfort of others, and sometimes - I just did not want to be bothered with, or make conversation with anyone.
So be selfish.

Danny G.

Hi Dave:

I think you message raises a key point (that I am learning from experience with my partner Dave) is critical to the process of recovery. I intially thought that Dave would need me 24/7 and would want to talk, talk, talk....Turns out after being pushed away a couple of times by him I needed to think about what his behavior was really telling me.

I have since recognized (and learned to accept) that at times he needs to just be alone with himself and internally mobilize without anyone else being present.We now have a pact where he tells me if this is the case and I back off. I am learning to respect what Dave needs and not be so fearful that he can't be alone with himslef and his feelings. In fact, the fact that he WANTS to be alone with himself and his cancer experience tells me is willing to look it straight in the eye and integrate it into his life separately and ours together.This was not an easy lesson for me to pick up on because my natural instinct is to save him...I now know that instead of trying to do it for him, I need to cheer while he raises the energy to save himself.

I can also sense the powerful anger your message reflects and I have seen this in Dave as well at points. The reality is that having any kind of cancer is a source of gross injustice and worthy of a full force angry response. It's great to say when life deals you lemons...but lemonade doesn't cut when your life feels out of control as does your destiny.Try to reframe the anger as your personal protective response because you love yourself then acknowledge it and turn it into positive energy if you can.

In my view,cancer is also a great equalizer and brings out anxieties and fears in those around you especially if they knew you to be a previously active and healthy person. Their overzealous actions to hep you may be a combination of genuine concern and a way to allay their own fears.

My Dave's mom has been here for the last week from the U.K. to help him recover post-op, It is striking to watch how tenderly she loves "her boy" and how strong she is being for him.She,too is making copius amounts of tea and pampering him. This takes place around Dave but when he is out of earshot I am privy to a mother's worry and the pain of what it is like to watch the child you love more than yourself struggle.

That said, I would try to be honest with the people you care about and simply tell the truth-that you appreciate their wishes and presence but sometimes need to take time out to focus on yourself and the task at hand-to reagin wellness. It may also be helpful to let them know your emotions are on a bit of a roller coaster that is surprising even to you. Dave has shared with me that sometimes my silent presence is enough and fuels his strength even from a distance.

Keep posting your feelings here too-it's a safe haven.

Take care of you,

Kim