I got through my 2 year anniversary and then things happened between me and my family and I got so stressed especially because my mom was the only one who was there for me the entire time has given up on me. I feel like I'm trying to self destruct. I'm drinking almost every day and it's not that I want to kill myself or cause a reoccurrence I just don't get what the point of it all is. If there's no one around to care about me and all I'm doing is going to work to go home to house where no one wants anything to do with me to go to sleep to go to work. It makes me wonder what I survived for.
I'm going to see a doctor because clearly my depression meds aren't working and I think I'm depressed bipolar. I keep having these high happy times then horrible outbursts where I don't even remember what I said or did. I feel so alone.

I'm sorry to hear you are in the dumps but VERY happy to hear you understand depression and are being treated for it. You are 100% on the right track to get back to the doc and get the meds reviewed. It can take a lot of time and experimenting to find just the right thing and over time it is not unusual a change is needed as the effectiveness can drift off.

Hang in there!

Hi there,
I don't post on here often, but I try to read all the posts.
When I saw this heading, I felt like I had to reply.

PLEASE DON'T START SMOKING AGAIN. There are many other meds available if what you are on are not working. Anyone who has gone thru the treatment we have gone thru, surely may have some issues with depression. Don't beat yourself up over it, just see a doctor for some help.
But please don't go back to the cigs....I smoked for 40 years, so I know how hard it is to quit. Good luck to you, you can do it, too.

Sounds like you are already trying to do something to help yourself and that's a good thing. Remember this: The most important person that you need to help you is YOU! You must start to help yourself survive because your health and your survival are very important. Drinking and smoking will not help except temporarily, and when giving those things up leaves a void, they need to be replaced by some other positive things and you can get suggestions from helpful places like stop smoking groups and AA. Just talking to someone else will give you the distinct feeling of having a heavy load lifted off your shoulders. Definitely start with your doctor and tell him/her what's happening. Not everyone reacts the same to the meds and often they need to be changed. You cannot change how others react to you, but you CAN make changes in yourself and in your attitude which you have already started doing by coming here and planning to see a doctor! Very often when others close to you see you taking positive steps to help yourself, it will make a difference in their reactions to you. What you see as your Mom's turning away from you may just be tough love and her way of not being an Enabler in what she sees as your self destruction. You are very young and have so many wonderful experiences ahead of you - and as soon as you can start taking care of YOU, you will be able to enjoy sharing with others all the good things possible. So start with calling the doctor for an appointment. Do it NOW! And let us know what is happening with you.

Thank you guys for your support. I think I need to see someone about addiction. It's just my mother has been my sole support system and now that she's given up on me I just feel like what's the point. I feel like I'm a China doll trying not to crack.

Whenever I get down and think there's no hope - and I suffered from major depression for years, thankfully behind me - I think about the real heroes on this forum: the people who have truly gone through hell and are alive, and well, to share their experiences with us. They are my inspiration and my personal heroes.

So hang in there, buddy. Things will get better.

I hope so. You'd think 2 years out it would be easier to operate normally. But then you find out virtually anything can give you cancer.
For 6 months I wouldn't drink anything out of plastic bottle or bottled water and I'd only drink water put through this zero water filter. It really can drive you nuts

That and the drinking is out of boredom. I get up, go to work, go home to a family that no longer wants me there, crawl into bed, drink and read or watch TV until I go to sleep.
I just keep having these awful outbursts of rage. They're new.

I hear you, and I am very sorry that you are in that space. Many of us have been there, but HAVE lived to see that the sun can shine again.

You need to get to your doctor and explain your feelings. Family - as much as they try - cannot understand what we have been through - they expect that now that the treatment phase is over you are all better. We are not 'all better'. See your doctor for depression treatment - immediately if not sooner.

In my humble opinion, we are never 'cured' of this cancer. It likes to come back, and it is our job to make sure we don't give it a reason to come back. This cancer LOVES smoke, and it LOVES alcohol. Please do not give it a reason to come back. I think your doctor was perhaps poorly educated to use the term "cured". "No Evidence of Disease" is about all we can hope for.

Please ask your doctor for referral to a psychologist / psychiatrist as well as the medication he/she will likely prescribe. Remember that depression meds take a couple of weeks to kick in and you can use that time to eliminate the alcohol and reduce the smoking with a view to quitting VERY soon. Use the patch, use the mist, use whatever the heck you need to - but for YOUR health - you need to quit.

There are online websites to help with quitting smoking and please use every resource available. This is a nasty addiction and even 10.5 years after quitting, it is still something that I occasionally still have to think about.

Try www.quitnet.com - free online quit smoking website where you can commiserate with people who are going through the same things you are going through. Never quit quitting. Do not GIVE the cancer a reason to come back.

Hugs, and please write after you have been to the doctor.

Please go today if possible.

Donna

So if the drinking is out of boredom, then it would seem logical to do something to kill the boredom. You could start with something physical like regular walking or jogging every day, doing something for someone else or volunteering someplace. Just getting outside and the deep breathing and exercise does wonders for getting oxygen to your brain and making you feel better. Your "outbursts of rage" are not healthy for you nor for those close to you. They could be due to any meds you are on or drinking or any number of things. We are not doctors here, so it is really important to start helping yourself by checking with the doctor about your feelings. You CAN make changes but you have to do them for yourself, not because someone else is telling you to, but because you care enough about yourself to be happy and healthy.

Firstly I'm not sure what has gone on between you and your family but you are a valuable human being. Do not allow other people's issues to determine your self worth or impact your self esteem. Love yourself. Period. If the people around you are making things worse take a break from them. Then find something to do. Something you enjoy. I do yoga, I take art courses, I play soft ball (I have to be the WORST player in the league - but it's embarrassingly fun). You make your life what it is. Join the Y? Join a drop in basketball league. Do something - you will meet people and develop other relationships.

Do talk to someone if you are depressed, and PLEASE don't smoke.
hugs

Hi Winter,

Lots of good advice already in this thread already. I'd like to offer some more.

[edit begins here]

But when I hit send, the bulk of my post went "Poof" into the ether and not onto the page. I spent at least 30 min comosing it, so it will take a bit longer to recreate it. Sorry.

Bart