I used to love going out to try new restaurants and bars.
I used to love meeting up with my girlfriends everyweek for catchup and casual chit chat.
I used to get down and play with my two year old - now i just sit and watch her play.
I used to love cooking and trying out new recipes.
I used to love being out and about on beautiful days and enjoy the sun's rays.
Will i ever i ever do these things again and enjoy these little pleasures in life? On a day like today, all those thingsi love doing seems like another lifetime ago. And i know i should be grateful i havent got it as bad as some, but today it so hard to be grateful for anything.
Minh
I hope you can find something that makes you happy. I dont mean to pry but are you taking antidepressants? If not it may be something to look into. We all have those days where we feel down. If you have more down days than good days than it should be discussed with a doctor.
Not one of us oral cancer patients had it easy. Even the ones who seemed to sail right thru treatment struggled in some way. Im one of those people who think that positive thinking helps make things easier to get thru. Even people who have had a really bad time of it are lucky, they made it thru and are still around to talk about it. Its all how you look at things.
Im sorry if I interpreted your post differntly than what you intended. We are here to listen and its ok to vent. We all have to have an outlet to let off steam.
Hope today gets a little better for you.
It took me 18 months before I could eat anywhere near normal. Many were able to eat much sooner than that. Now I'm back to enjoying going out to restraunts again. I'm also back to enjoying hikes up to my favorite swimming hole on the creek, lounging by the pool at my Mom's place, playing with my very active dog and otherwise enjoying life. There are days when I have to force myself to go out and do something and other days when I just say the heck with it, I'm going to sleep all day, but in general I've settled in to the "new normal" pretty well. You are still young and I'm sure you have plenty to look forward to in time.
Minh:
I read your post and thought "I can relate to many things in your post." I agree with Christine whole-heartedly, it's much about perspective. I am constantly telling myself I'm a glass half full kind of guy but there are those days.... If you constantly feel that way seek out additional assistance! The thing about cooking you mention, I used to have a passion for it! I cooked all the meals, cooked for co-workers, smoked meats and gave away at holidays, and now, don"t really enjoy eating so don't do much cooking. Wife has commented on it several times. A few weeks ago I felt just a little inspired and ended up cooking ALL DAY!!! When you have a thought just smile and pursue it, FOR YOU! You may be amazed at how much better you'll feel. The way I feel today I could sit right here on the couch all day but the suns out and I'm headed outside to smile back at it!
One last thing, I'm sure you notice the folks commenting have been recovering for a while, it will take time so be patient.
Best Regards,
Steve
Dear Minh - I can so relate to what you are feeling, and it reminds me of my son's experience in the early days after treatment ended. From your signature info, it seems you are not that far past the end of your treatment so I'm sure you will start to see progress and feel better soon about how things are going. The worst for my son were the or three months right after the end of his Tx. My son's doctor prescribe anti-depressants for him and it seemed to help so, as Christine mentioned, it may help to talk to your doctor about it. Different things work for different people. Being outside in the sunshine helps, deep breathing (10 deep breaths), calling a friend, getting a hug from someone close, seeing a funny movie, reading, exercise helps, even if it's just bending over once or twice to touch your toes. Sometimes when I was feeling down, I would just go into the bathroom, bend way over for several minutes and brush my hair 100 strokes. I thought that maybe it would help oxygen to get to my brain so I could think more clearly. Other times, when the depressing thoughts just seemed to have taken residence up in my brain and would not go away, I would give myself a time limit for entertaining the dark thoughts - say, three minutes. It's ok to feel compassion for yourself during these times. You have good reason with what you've been through. It's not the same as feeling sorry for yourself. At the end of three minutes I would force myself to switch the thoughts to'/ something funny that had happened to me or to someone I knew, concentrate on Sudoku puzzles, scrabble, etc. and then do something physical like vacuming and I hate vacuming but it helped me to start thinking of something else. Do you have someone close by like a friend or family member that can be with you for support or to just help you to get some good thoughts going? I'll be thinking of you and hoping each day gets better, so keep in touch and let us know what happens.
Minh
Oral cancer can take months to recover from the damage it causes, and for many the permanent damage is life changing. It has been for me. I would suggest you speak to your GP for some assistance, which might include a referral to a therapist.
With such lovely weather in WA, taking a walk or sitting outside with a magazine would be a simple way to lift your spirits. It's a good place to start to physically and emotionally build yourself up.
Karen
Thanx everyone for your support. I'm not on antidepressents yet, i think i can make it through but if things get worse i will definitely look into it. I have booked to to see a counsellor for next week so hopefully i can hang in there till then and she may help ( the counsellor had oral cancer herself 5 yrs ago!!)
Guess i was just feeling sorry for myself. I managed to make it throught treatment fine and then all a sudden everything just hit me about two weeks after treatment finished. Sometimes its so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I have never been one to feel down or moped around so feeling like this makes me feel even less myself. I just want to feel the old me again but i guess from everyone's posts that its not going to happen. I have to find this new me and be happy with her. I have always been a happy and smiley person (still am most of the time) so i'm finding all these negative feelings really hard. If people ask how are you? its alwasys "really good" because I am but now i feel like i'm lying even when i reply "im ok".
Minh
Minh - it's good to hear that you are taking steps to being good to yourself. The counselor you have an appointment with sounds like the perfect person to be talking to! When people ask how you are and you reply "Ok" I have to tell you that when my son would tell me he was "ok" I would always say "just ok?" and we would talk about why it was not closer to "terrific" and what to do about that feeling. You cannot go from being really down to something "really good". It takes very small steps to bring yourself up. Being finished with treatment and the normal routine of daily trips to the doctor is quite a change, even for caregivers. You tend to get the feeling of "what now?" and it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Any change in life, whether it's a good change or a not so good change is stressful, but it's temporary and the good feelings do come back again. Soon you will have more energy for your two-year-old. For now, I'm sure she just enjoys having you close by while she plays and knows her Mom is getting better. And now is the time for someone else to cook for you. You might mention that when they say, "how can I help?" They may not be as good as you at cooking but whatever they bring you will give you a warm feeling to know they made the effort.
Thanx Anne Marie. I have decided to take the strategy of one day a time and 1 hour a time. It seems to work for me today. Just one day a tinme and i will worry about tomorrow when it comes. I'm looking forward to seeing the counsellor next week, even though i wasnt so sure i needed her when i made the booking! Funny how your feelings can change in such a short period of time.
I have also found a head and neck support group in Perth which meet up once a month. I'm going to the next meeting and see how i feel.
Minh
Minh
[quote]Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi![/quote]
I thought of you when reading about a raucous crowd of flag & ballon carrying Australians packing St. Peter's Square in Rome and making it echo with the above "traditional sports cheer" to celebrate the canonization of Australia's first Catholic Saint, Mary MacKillop. In Sdyney, images of her, a 19th century nun, were projected onto the sandstone pylons of the Harbor Bridge.
Everyone at OCF is cheering you on also.
Charm
Charm (and Minh)\
Interesting that the two miracles Mary MacKillop is attributed with in order to achieve sainthood were cancer cures.
Karen
Definately minh,
I was in your position mentally for numerous reasons the past few nights and like others have suggested I just find something else to do. I get to go make my halloween mask tomorrow morning!! Last night I was horrified about beginning my radio therapy and chemo very soon and then I just said ( after a long venting here and a few great comments) to hell with it! Lets make my halloween mask, ask a bunch of questions inserted in between my annoying questions and we can make a day of it. I just heard that today too, one day and one hour at a time right? Sometimes I screw with the doctors, my mom hates it and so does the fiancee but I get a kick out of it. Why do they get to ask all the personal questions? I guess my way of doing this when I dont fall into a dark time is the humor, or I watch swamp people!
I need ya minh, and I need all of ya!
Your friend
Nathan
Minh,
I'm one of those people that believe that nothing should be taken off the table when it comes to getting through this. With that said, I don't believe that antidepressants are the answer without a therapist and counselling.
You are "just" out of treatment, give yourself some time to recover. I'm over 2 years out of rads/chemo and my 1st surgery and I still struggle....but it's gotten better, now I think I'm too active. It's OK to realize how much the hand you were dealt sucks, if you didn't I would really worry about your mental health. I've never known dellusional to turn out well. Sometimes we discount what we've been through because others have gone through worse...but it's all relative.
I do look to others on these boards that have gone through more then I and they inspire me and give me hope. They do not take away what I've been through however. Listening to their stories and reading books like "Mans Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankle gives me perspective and examples of how to keep on going when things are tough and I want to feel sorry for myself.
It's OK to feel that loss, just don't stay there. Bask in the moments with your kids...my boys and my wife are the "why" in the quote in my signature.
Keep your chin up
Eric
Nathan - I love the last line of your post! We need you, too. We all need each other and that's why it's so great to be here. Like you, my son used to "screw with the doctors" -and the nurses or anyone around. He would wear T-shirts with funny sayings on them like "I have no idea what's going on" or "I'm not a doctor but I will be glad to examine you." The routine of going to Tx each day brought a certain measure of comfort or control in knowing what was going to happen. Talking to other people in the waiting room helped - one of them told me about OCF! One day a beautiful dog came to visit and was so very calming. And there was the "Cookie" Lady who always asked every one if they wanted a cookie. Of course most of the patients there couldn't dream of being able to swallow or chew on a cookie but the CG's liked them and it's the thought that counts, right?
I really loved the Cancer Center's dogs and admire the volunteer canine corp that share their wonderful pets.
For some reason they never brought them back to the RT vaults waiting room, but on my worst day in the infusion center there was a wonder Labrador that came over and made my day!
Re-hydrated my body and soul
Minh,
I so know how you feel. Sometimes it all seems so difficult. Time will pass, you will slowly begin to feel better. I kept waiting to one day just wake up and be cured. That never happened, it is a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kinda thing. Below is a post that I posted in June, I was right about where your at now. Things are slowly getting better. Take Care and yell if you need to. Lottsa love on this site, we are here for you.
http://oralcancersupport.org/forums...;Main=10474&Number=117749#Post117749Wendy
Anne-Marie,
Ya should have seen them today when I jacked with em, I dont think they like me much sometimes but I was half joking and half being serious. When they pushed my treatment back some more I bluntly said " Well, should I go home and get a head start by shoving my face inside the microwave?!?" then there were crickets and my moms angry stare, and my fiancee's small chuckle : ) . Oh well, more waiting and I hope its for the best...Hope youre doing good Minh, I was thinking about ya today!
Your Friend,
Nathan
LMAO Nate!! That was a good one. Some people just don't understand the dry humor. Me on the other hand is famous for having it. Keeps me sane sometimes.