When is enough, enough? - Oral Cancer Support

My husband has stage 4 oral cancer. The tongue, ear canal, throat, jawbone, and front inside of the lip is involved. That we know of.
Since this is his third bout, The last one was in 1991, and he has had considerable reconstructive surgery before; The surgery proposed is exstensive.
It will leave him without speech, Hearing on the left side, no jaw bone and being feed through a stomach tube. That is if all goes well.
The cancer is moving so rapidly that we don't even know this for certain. They are trying to get him in for a MRI.
His pain is increasing rapidly. They now have him on pretazone.(sp)
When do they say no, this is enough? The cancer has spread too far? When is the quality of life wroth more than the quantity? I don't want to lose him but I don't wnat him to go through all of this and then lose him anyway.
Does anyone have an answer.

I don't think there ARE any definitive answers Mar---and I don't think it's up to the docs alone to say 'enough is enough'! Your husband should be the one to decide, in discussion with you, the rest of the family, and obviously his doctors. Do the benefits of further treatment outweigh the problems? Would he and you be happier having a 'peaceful/controlled' but shorter period together?
Before I even discuss the treatment options, I have told my family what I feel. Everyone is different and there are different ways of 'fighting'.
Statistics are only that--numbers that might apply to some, but not others, but the docs might be able to give you a 'rough idea' on his chances.
Read all you can and talk all you can would be my advice--for what it's worth--and I'm sure everyone eventually comes up--then questions--their OWN answers! There are some good, knowledgeable people on this site and some in your area who will talk to you 'better' than me, but just thought I'd reply NOW so you don't feel alone on this!
Brenda

Dear Mar, It is a given that anyone who answers your question is approaching it from a very personal perspective. I will step up here because I just went through this with my beloved husband. Our journey with this disease is pretty much spelled out in my blog, here, in the Caretakers Journal. Some things that are not in there are the experiences we had to deal with during Johns's final weeks before I brought him home to die [as was his wish]. During his emergency stay in the hospital, the radiation Doc was offering to do more rad. to try to shrink the tumors so that he could "last a few days longer", the chemo Doc was wanting to continue chemo for the same reason. Neither treatment would cure him, both would necessitate him staying in the hospital, which he did not want, both would mean more pain and suffering to him. Bottom line here for us was a very painful, very hard discussion about where he wanted his last days to be spent, and we didn't know if that was weeks or months- we just knew it wasn't going to get any better.Doctors are trained to fight to the bitter end most of the time, regardless of what the patient wants. It sounds like You are in the situation no one wants to be in. My heart goes out to you. Amy in the Ozarks

Dear Mar

I am so sorry for your predicament. There are little or no words to say. I have thought about the possibility that I could get to this point one day.

Everyone must draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. I have been reading about "The Hemlock Society". If and when your situation ever reveals itself to me, I know that I will not go through any undo suffering.

Praying for you. Petey

Home Page http://www.FinalExit.org/dhumphry

Mar, I am sorry to read about your husband, oh my....I like, Petey, have no words, but please know I am thinking of you, Carol

Well an update.
Alan has decided against the operation. We are going into Palliative care. He is going downhill very fast. Thanks for the prayers.
Mar

Hi Mar- You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers today. I have finished my treatment and hope and pray that I will not have a recurrance of this awful disease.
Love Kate B