Hi All,

I'm not looking for this thread to be a debbie downer at all, but I thought it might be nice to create a place for those of us caregivers who have lost a loved one to share stories, cry, vent, and remember...

I think the OCF forums are amazing, including everyone in it. I wish I had discovered it before my mom passed away. But sometimes I am afraid to talk about what happened to my mom because I don't want to scare others who are just learning of a diagnosis, going into surgery, starting treatment, dealing with a recurrence, and/or are still fighting, both patients and caregivers. Every case is different of course so we shouldn't compare, but I think the other threads are a great place to be upbeat, encouraging, and motivating. I do plan to continue contributing to those threads, but I wanted to give those of us who are grieving (new and old) a place to mourn together.

I know I need this, so I figure someone else out there might need it too... <3 <3 <3

Thank you for posting this. I know I am going to need it and it is nice to know it is here. Like you I think OCF forums are great and I have learned a lot. I hope you are doing ok.

Thanks, Amy! I hope you don't need to post here SOON, but it's here when if/you need it Hang in there lady, I hope YOU are doing ok. And even if you think you aren't, you will be...

Hugs!

Thanks for posting this. I am coming up on the one year anniversary and never would have imagined getting through it back then. I am trying to figure out what to do on the actual day...I have taken the day off and want to do something special with Morgan but cannot wrap my head around what that should be. Anyone have any ideas to share?

Agreed, I miss y'all on these boards, but find it hard to share the new struggles ... There is always the friends board I suppose..
Big big hugs to you Jill.

I would be happy to add a left behind forum if people really want it. While I don't share your concerns about what those in treatment might think, I completely understand the position. Truth is that no one gets a cancer diagnosis without considering that this disease is a killer with them in their sights. The reality is that too many people are lost to this disease. I don't think there is anyway to sugar coat or hide that.

But the emotional burden of any loss can be helped significantly by talking with others, and particularly with those that have had a similar experience. If you want this I will have Chester add the forum this weekend.

Thanks, Brian! I support whatever you think is appropriate

This place has been a safe haven for me since my mom passed, not able to really confide in or share my grief with even my family members. Being here has given me that understanding shoulder to cry on and the words of encouragement that only my mom could give me.

Hi Jill,

I am still pretty new at this whole mourning thing, I can't imagine what a year of this is like, just hitting the one month mark a couple weeks ago was a killer for me. I think it's great that you are going to take the day off and do something special. Is there anything in particular that you and Ken enjoyed doing together? A favorite restaurant or park/beach you used to go to? Maybe if the weather is nice you could have a picnic and share a couple of funny or sweet stories? It might also be nice to do something nice for yourselves, like a pamper treatment... maybe a pedicure or massage.

My family and I spent our summers on Cape Cod, in Wellfleet specifically, which is like a second home to me. It was my mom's favorite place on earth and it saddens me that she didn't get a chance to get back there more recently. When I was a kid, she and I were always the first ones up in the morning so on vacation we would pack breakfast and go watch the sunrise at least once a year. We'd sit on top of the dunes with our bowls of cereal and watch the sun come up over the Atlantic... one of my most treasured memories. I think this is what I will do on her first anniversary...

I am in two minds about putting up a "loved and remembered" category.

On one hand I don't want constant reminders of the people who have fought so hard and still not made it and on the other, those people deserve to be recognised and remembered.

I suppose a separate category would allow people the choice to read and post or avoid.

For myself, I am still too fearful to read the "recurrence" category on a regular basis let alone a "loved and remembered" category but think it would be unfair to deny others just because I am personally averse or fearful.

Hi Karen,

I totally understand your position, and that is actually exactly why I suggested a seperate category, so that those of us who have lost have a place to express these feelings without causing fear or anxiety in those who are so bravely fighting. I of course respect whatever everyone thinks is best. I want nothing more than to be encouraging and supportive here and in any other way that I can be, because that is what me and my mom needed during our toughest times, but some days it just feels good to share the grief that only some of us know...

OK, the new forum is up as has been suggested. While I understand everyone's desire for this, I hope that those that post here, while in a different kind of personal battle, will still visit the other forums. All who have been through this battle as caregivers are rich sources of important information that may help a newbie find their way.

Please advise if you would like the name of the forum changed or anything about its description altered. It was a difficult one to write, and I may not have done it well.

I love our Caregiver Warriors, in my opinion you are all angels of mercy. Everyday I'm blown away at the depth of love and compassion even in the face of this horrible disease. I'm stronger having known all of you on these forums and am thankful for each and everyone of you. You truly make a difference in peoples lives...you have mine.

Thank you for this. I always hate being a reminder of the bad so it is nice to keep it in it's own spot.

I am currently dealing with a 16 yr old that for whatever reason has decided to try tabaco products. So I am desperately trying to find any thing that that was will help him see the reality of this. Youm would think that my cancer story which was horrible would have been enough.

I am sorry Wendy. I have a 2 year old abd dread the teenager years! Her father smoked and drank too much for years before we met. I really hope these are not traits she has inherited!

Thank you for the forum.

I lost my Husband to Stage IV Throat Cancer 13 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or talk to him.

At that time we didn't know about Cancer Centers it was 18 months of pure hell. After he passed I thought to myself I never want to go through this again and here I am with tongue cancer. I wish we had known about Cancer Centers if so he might still be with me.

He was my friend, lover and the best husband who thought of his family first. Our grown children and their families followed us.

The sad thing is he retired after 33 years with General Motors, we moved to Florida so he could golf year round, built our retirement home, 3 years later he was gone.

I have beaten my head against the wall many times after finding out about Cancer Centers, we were so close to one and didn't know it.

I know exactly what you all (Caregivers) have gone through and feel. Don't think they didn't know we did all we could for them.

God Bless you all.
Connie

Hi Connie,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband and then had to battle this dreadful disease yourself. You truly must be an amazingly strong person to come through it all.

Being one of my moms caregivers was the single most tragic but rewarding experiences of my life. It was incredibly painful to watch her physical and emotional struggle, and share that with her, but I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again... and as hard as it was, if I had the chance I would spend my life caring for her. She and I were kindred souls, practically twins, no one else on earth was more like me than her and nobody else could make me feel whole and at home like her. I struggle every day trying to figure out how to live my life without her.

I hope you had a caregiver throughout your battle who was as loving and caring as you were with your husband.

I come back to OCF when I'm having a hard time. It's a haven for some reason. It's been 7 months, I miss him so much. Thank you for this forum.

Hi Gerri,

So glad to see you drop by! I'm sorry you lost your husband, especially after fighting like heck to beat it. This disease is totally unforgiving and my heart still aches whenever I think about what my mom and other patients have had to endure. It also aches for the other caregivers that have had to experience what it feels like to watch a loved one suffer and pass without being able to do anything to stop it.

I am still struggling to find a way to live without my mom. I know time will help and life will eventually return to a new normal, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet... I don't want a new normal, I want my old normal, the normal where she still was.

I started seeing a therapist last week, I think it's going to be good. I have also started exercising again and eating better. Any little thing I can do that is good for me rather than self destructive (like overeating and drinking). I also went away with some friends over Memorial Day weekend which was a much needed vacation from life. What are some things you have found helped you through these past 7 months?

Staying busy is my best coping method. I keep adding to my 'to do list' so there's no end of things that need done. I'm always thinking of "my firsts without Jim", seems like they are never ending, but I have learned I can do things I would never have imagined doing. My son graduated from high school last month, I was determined to make that a celebration for him even though Jim wasn't with us and it was. I also recently went on Alaska cruise with my parents and sister. I agree with you - that was a much needed vacation! Trying to move on is the hardest task.

To Gerri and Amy....hugs.

Deb

This is an amazing forum. I think that this forum is very appropriate and while we pray we won't have to be an active participant, we are all realists and know it happens. I love reading your posts and hearing your courage and strength. I pray that you all continue to find some peace in each day and that your memories will stay close to your hearts. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
Love,
Kathy

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread and for all the support. I've only been here such a short time but I don't know where I'd be without you all... <3

It's coming up on three months next week.
There are still places I cannot go... our old neighborhood, the amazing burger joint that we loved, our local Sam's club... We did so many things together. I am so grateful for what we had.
I did take my son to the drive in theater last weekend. The three of us used to go about every other week when Matt was well. It felt good to go.
Still not sleeping worth a darn, even with help, and I'm having a bi*** of a time unpacking and settling into the new place.
Slowly but surely life does go on...

Life does go on, as much as we want the rest of the world to stop when ours does :-/ A friend of mine gave me a sympathy card when my mom passed away that hit every emotion in my body like a lightning bolt. The cover quote is by James Joyce: "They lived and loved, and laughed and left." The inside simply states "and the world will never be the same." Couldn't be more true.

Take as much time as you need to create your new life. Make it yours. There are no deadlines or expectations that you have to meet. Be patient with yourself. I am trying to do the same...

I realized last night that it had been three months since Matt's passing. That's just 12 short weeks. Though I will tell you, each day feels like it takes three to pass by. The time has been creeping along. When I step back and realize how short a time it's been, I do try to take it easy on myself.
You're right Amy, there aren't any deadlines to meet.
Today we celebrate my son's 14th birthday. Matt was always so excited to shop for him, and had the best time watching him open presents.
We started our day with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, spending a few hours at the office, then off early to shop! Determined to have a great day

My mother passed away from oral cancer on January 21, 2011. I was lucky enough to find this website before she passed, but still I was not prepared for how hard and how often the cancer kept coming back. This forum is a fantastic web of heartfelt caring and combined knowledge of so many who have gone through this and it was so very helpful and supportive for me and will be for all who find it. I don't visit here as often as I used to but I still think of the OCF members and still pray for healing, courage and strength for everyone.

I am so glad to see this section for selfish reasons I guess. After Jim died and I went back to work, I realized I didn't have anyone to talk to as this site was for the people with cancer and caregivers and family going through the process. I was at such a loss for "what to do now".

My person was gone, cancer wasn't in my life in a physical form, but it took the love of my life from me. I couldn't figure out who to talk to during my lunch hour - Before he left, I was always reading and perusing on this site during lunch trying to glean information to take home with me and tell or help Jim with what I learned. No more was that necessary - - - I needed someone to understand my grief, my loss, my overwhelming sadness...no one could fill that for me...no one like OCF.

I didn't want to come back here...but once a member of the club, always a member. I worked really hard to put me back together, different, but together. I found a young widows site (if you can call 50 young), but it just didn't seem like anyone really knew me and Jim - not like OCF, so I never posted, but just read.

So today during my lunch, I allawed myself to drift back to "when he was here" and I logged on today. When I saw this section, I was relieved and happy - it's like I've come back to a very familiar, but yet different place. No longer am I posting PET results and asking questions about controlling pain....now I am a part of the "life does go on" club in spite of what has happened. Good things did come out of all of this - most importantly, I was blessed to have taken care of a wonderful man that I loved very much and who loved me. I learned that life can change on a dime and don't take one day for granted.

Thank you Brian for allowing this section - I'll be back more to help and to be helped as life really does go on.

Hugs and Love to all of you,
Paula

Paula-Glad to see you! We all come back here it seems. It's like coming home....

Paula, love that you have come back. I didn't join until after my mom had passed, so I missed out on all the amazing support and information during a time when I really could have used it. But it is so important to be in the company of people that do truly understand what you're feeling... the entire process from learning of the diagnosis, going through the horrible surgeries and treatments, and also in the last days into mourning. Even though I am still new and trying to help where I can, I take great comfort in knowing others have been where I have and am today. Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts. I hope to see you on here again soon!

Paula -OMG I have missed you!! Thank you for coming back on. Remember we are always here for you - that has not changed.

Happy to hear that you have been able to take some steps such as work and this new club. Bloody right 50 is young!! I am told it is the new 35 and 58 to (my age) is the new 39 forever. We'll go with that anyway .

Hugs

Donna

Deb, Sue and Paula....Hello, have missed you all so much, and have so much to catch up on...my biggest news? I will become a grandmother this month!!! New Friends, so nice to meet you

Aimlee,
I think this is the most wonderful idea, so glad that Brian is always on top of things, and so very receptive to others ideas and needs...wonderful leader! I wish I had found a way to come back sooner, truth is, it hurts like crazy. Forgive me, my head is all over the place and my thoughts scramble when I am anxious, when not anxious, I am just distracted. Before I forget, I just wanted to respond to your question early on regarding the anniversary of death....I was very close to my mom, best friends, was CG to her, which was my honor....her death nearly flattened me. I had such an awful time for months on end, and slowly I started to find myself again...life was moving along at a nice pace, was as near as normal as it could be and then her anniversary came....it totally knocked me down! The shock of how hard it hit me was unbelievable and I was a wreck for a few days, almost a week. My best, heartfelt advice to you and anyone else, is to give yourself the day off...meaning, just let your feelings be as they are. My mom and I always spent time at the beach, I went down to be near her and God, as I feel that the ocean is the closet place to heaven for me. It was overwhelming and I tried to run away from my pain, didn't get far. Finally, as I sat there on the beach the next day, it was as if my mom said to me (something she always told us), "Donna, Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just are." I still have bad days, moments when I suddenly feel so overwhelmed by missing her....and now especially as I look forward to becoming a grandmother, we would have had so much fun planning on being great grandmother and grandmother together....and who knows maybe my Nana would still be here(lost her on Aug 18th, still broken-hearted, she and i were very close also)...we could have been three generations of grandmothers together.... Life throws fast, hard, curve balls--I used to try to catch them, now I have learned that for me, it"s best to lean out of the line of fire...
Just want to tell you all, I am so proud of you...I don't know some of you, but then again....maybe I do....your selfless hearts are gifts, they are where they are supposed to be, and react how they are supposed to, because that is how they feel... Life goes on, we just try to hang up our Super CG uniforms, and leave them behind...I kept going back, putting on my uniform and sitting down and reviewing everything we did, and what we didn't do...and maybe what we should have done...I'd like to say don't go there, but "there" was the only way I let myself off the hook. You give it your all and sometimes you feel like it wasn't enough...it is/was... As for me, I'm so hung up on the day that I told my mom, "Mom, if you ever wanted to check out, now would be the time, this is no way of living...I love you so much, and I want to tell you now, as your greatest cheerleader, that I am ok if you want to leave and go on to your next journey..." her eyes widened, and i said I loved her enough to let her go....my mom beat the cancer, was 4+ yrs out, had been cancer free since 9/07....she had a massive stroke and heart attacks, she would be bed ridden, and the part that made me more mad than anything else was the stroke was on the side that took away her voice!! That crushed me. I pray each day that she forgives me for telling her that I was ok with her leaving, what a hurtful thing to say....in truth I said it out of love...but love doesn't make it sound any prettier.

wow!!! apparently i am still a train wreck....sitting here at my desk, tears in my eyes and overwhelmed...my mom died on May 4, 2011....I do so well and BAM!! I'm in tears,,,,ok Donna, take your own advice above.

Love and Peace to you all....

Hey Donna! I jumped as usual...not sure who else I may have missed....still, whenever I see your name I think of the yellow rose, and pandora

50 isn't so bad...yet...

Welcome back and glad to hear you are a Grandmother, as a Grandfather I can tell you it is Great being a garndparent!! Keep in touch and best wishes!! Semper-Fi Bob

Still waiting on the "it gets better" part. Approaching fall/winter.. the holidays... a season full of firsts without my love. I have had periods of happiness, but when the sadness comes back it seems to have such force.
I do glean strength from the journey that we faced together.
I dropped in on the caregivers forum and was completely floored at the nearly 26000 views to the thread covering the last few months of the battle.
Knowing that somehow sharing all of it has helped others feels very good.
All of it wasn't for nothing.
Not sure what to do with that journey.
I do know that this place is one of few where I feel at home, even if I am not as active as I once was.

I can so relate with all of you...it's coming up on 4 months since I lost Ron and this Thursday would have been his birthday. I'm getting together with a small group of close friends and some of his family to celebrate the day of his birth. It's going to be bittersweet. And I don't know about all of you but I'm dreading the holidays...Christmas was Ron's favorite and I don't know how to handle that one. Here's wishing all of us peace and strength to continue on our new journey in life. Everyone keeps telling me it does get easier with time. I pray they are right.

Love,

Shelley

Oh Donna � The beautiful words you spoke to your Mom before she passed on, so moved me, were so filled with love � it breaks my heart to think that you could for even a second feel guilty about saying them. Yes, they were spoken with love but more than that it took tremendous courage and the kind of love it takes to unselfishly let someone go rather than hold on for your own comfort and need to be with her just a little longer. I hope that when my own time comes to move to the next level in my relationship with God, that my children will have the same strength and courage that you have shown. As a Mom I�ve always worried from the earliest of moments when I had to be away from my children, whether they would be ok without me, even when it was for just a very short time. I am so sure your Mom felt that way about you, too � and wondered if you would be ok without her physical presence. I�m sure it comforted her to hear you say that it was ok for her to leave. And now � although she is not physically close to you, she is still with you in spirit and it must hurt to see you in such pain. There will always certain times when the tears will come and that�s ok. Tears can be very cleansing and it does help to have a little compassion for yourself when remembering a loss. But it helps too, to be able to think about all the good things that you shared together. I hope, in time � whenever you are ready � that the sadness you feel will soften a little and that you will know that your Mom is close by and you will feel her love and comforting embrace.

What encouraging words, Donna! The pain that we suffer is incredible and the "first" holidays, birthdays and events are so sad....I don't like the "seconds" either. Thanksgiving, will be 2 years and sometimes it seems like he never existed and then days like today I had to play mind games with myself and convince myself that Jim was just away....that's how I got through my moment today....I'll see him again, so for now, he is away and I'll just keep going! I hope that he won't hold it against me for moving onward and upward....but then again, he is likely in a better place than I am so hopefully he is smiling down on all of us saying "you guys need to get a grip" LOL. Hugs to this entire board!
Paula

great post Donna, Ole sista

Right now I have no beautiful words to express myself...I am just so sad. It was so hard caring for mom and supporting her and each other (my siblings). Nothing we did for her helped, that I could see...but we loved her and tried like crazy. I pray for all of us here that use this website. Jane

Jane, just loving her and caring for her in whatever capacity you had within you was enough. Your mom knew you loved her and I am sure she was proud to have raised such loving children. It's a testament to her character as well... Everyone told me when my mom died how her legacy will live on in me. I didn't want to hear it at the time but it's true, and I'm proud of it. You should be too.

My husband joel died july 17th, 2012, so it has been 6 months. just went through some of the first with our 30 year anniversary in december and all the holidays.i like your comments about life changing on a dime and not taking life for granted. my husband first cancer diagnosis was in 1998, and we made the most of the last 13 years, because i always knew and he did too, that his time might be shorter than we would have liked...he was the love of my life and i miss him everyday, but i am trying to look at the positives and i have been lucky to have great support,i am keeping busy because it is lonely at home with no one to share things with, i too am a young 52 year old widow. i found this website a few months before he died and got some good info.

Hi tdphotoqueen13. I am sorry to hear about your husband. These boards have been a huge help to me through all of it. We are all hear for eachother!