hi everyone,my name is Louise and my ex husband has just been dianosed with 4th stage throat cancer.It started at the base of his tongue ,moved downward to affect everything including 2 lymph nodes. they say its treatable but I do wonder if they are just glossing over how bad it really is. they do intend to start radiation and then chemo. No one is telling anyone if they have given him a certain time to live .he is very stoic and wont discuss if he is scared or what, i do want to be able to give him support and to help him if i can, any suggestions on what I can do as a friend? He is remarried.

Louise,
It is treatable - this site is excellent in what the treatments look like. As far as supporting him, do it as a friend. Tread very lightly on his turf with his wife. I am running into a situation with my husband where his "ex" even though they never married, has tried to infiltrate herself onto caring for my husband and it has caused problems. She has does some very, very mean things to try to sway him to her in which he has acknowledged, but it still has caused him pain and frustration, whereas they are going thru enough - caregiver and patient. Read this site as it has a wealth of knowledge and support.

Good Luck!
Paula

...by the way, when I say he has acknowledged, I mean that he has told her "thanks but no thanks", however it still has caused him some sadness, because he doesn't want to hurt her anymore than what she already is hurting. Also, he didn't marry her because she was a smoker and he couldn't stand that...now sometimes I wonder if the 2nd hand smoke had something to do with his cancer. It doesn't matter the cause now - he has cancer and we are in the fight of our life!

Paula

Robins ex girlfriend(and the mother of his only child)was a nightmare during the last few weeks of his life.She asked if she could come with Katie to see him before he went in to the hospice.I said it was ok if he wanted that,and he really wasn't sure as they hadnt spoken for 15 years,but he agreed for katies sake.When he was in the hospice she became a virtual stalker,and rung the hospital all the time under the pretence of doing it on behalf of his daughter ,which was rubbish as katie was ringing up herself.It became such an issue between us that eventually we informed the hospice autorities that she was not to be given information over the phone,or allowed to visit him.I still resent the trouble she caused between us in the last week of his life,so just a word of caution louise,and that is tread very carefully,and make sure that he and his wife are totally on board with your offer of support.The best of intentions can be misconstrued at such an emotional time.

if you want information about his illness and its consequences and treatment options,then use the forum at the top of the list and you will get all the help you need.

liz

Louise,

Read my signature line. I was a Stage IV base of tongue and 2 positive nodes and I am doing great.

Was he a smoker or a tobacco user?

How old is he?

Where is he being seen?

david as far a i know joe never smoked cigarettes, when we were married he did smoke a pipe now and then . I did see that you were a survivor and that gives me a bit of hope. If only he had seen a doctor when it first started being a problem. thank you so much for answering me.... Louise

thank you so much for answering me, I will do my utmost to not be a bother,especially when i know he has given her more than enough grief when it comes to other women. I'll only go up with my daughter and if i can see it bothers her a bit for me to be there i will stop going. ...Louise

You don't have to be a smoker or tobacco user to get OC. I was told I had a unique cancer even tho I smoked for a lot of years. Needless to say I smoke no more. I am sure your ex will pull thru this like David said. I'm livng and lost large portion of my tongue, and had a lfet neck dissection, lost my teeth and had radiation implants put in my tongue, I lost about 2 weeks of memory from that surgery including the week before surgery, But as you can see I am living . LOL Just finished mowing grass and attending to my flowers. I wish him good luck and don't overdo it with his wife.

Louise:

It would be helpful for you to give your x and his wife this website for a place to go for questions and support.

Tough situation to be in the way you care for him but it would be best for him to post here. Without knowing more I would encourage him to get tested for the HPV virus in his cancer cells. HPV and Tobacco account for the overwhelming majority of all Oral Cancer causes yet they have been proven to be very different animals despite an infant HPV knowledge base which is growing every day thanks to the scientific community.