I know it has been some time since my last post. I hope this finds everyone doing well and staying positive! My husband Dan had a clear PET/CT done in April and all was clear!!!!! He has had an enlarged prostate for years, but although his PSA is still w/in normal bounds, the velocity of it's increase appeared to be a potential problem. So, on July 1st, I accompanied him for a prostate biopsy. The MD allowed me to stay in the room while the procedure was being done. They took 12 tissue samples, and it was NOT pleasant. Dan did well with it and returned to work. After work, he and I drove from NC to NY for his family reunion and to visit his mother who is 93 and in frail health herself. We returned to NC on Monday. On Tuesday, I discovered that Dan is having an affair with one of his subordinates and has left me for her. Cancer has spared Dan's life (so far anyway)but has killed my marriage. I was his sole caregiver during his illness/treatment/and recovery. I thought he was going to die at home on more than one occasion, but he somehow pulled through. But I still feel that cancer has played a huge role in this devastating event. I am crushed, not to mention humiliated and hurt beyond repair. Has anyone ever heard of something like this happening before? If so, is anyone familiar with, or have any knowledge of support groups for this type of cancer related incident?

Again, I hope everyone is doing well......each of you most certainly are, and will continue to be, in my thoughts daily.

Michelle G.

Michelle,
I am so very sorry to hear of your devastating news. I wish I knew the words to comfort you. You & your husband have been thru so much together & I am so sorry your marriage has suffered so greatly. Please lean on your friends & family now & let them be your caregivers. Cancer is so damn difficult in so many ways.

Please take care of yourself as best as you can,
Laurie

Dear Michelle, It is sad to hear such news after all you have been through. I'm sorry you have to manage your marriage breakup also. Sending you love and best wishes for your healing, from Helen

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this. The words ungrateful %$^&*&^ are probably going through your mind. There are probably plenty of 'theories' to explain why he would choose to do this at this time, but at the end of the day I think it hard for any one to really understand why. Even the person who did the leaving. Losing a partner through seperation still involves grieving and that can take some time, quite a long time. My husband of 12 years left my 3 years ago. He explained why, but you know, sometimes I think people make up the story to justify their actions. Oddly enough, he has phoned almost every day to see how I am holding up through the whole having the biopsy, waiting to find out if it was cancer thing. The cynic in me told my Mum that I thought that he was just checking to find out whether he was going to have to take over the rearing of four young children as a sole parent. The kinder, softer part of me said that just because someone doesn't care for someone romantically, they can still care for them as a human being. Take care of yourself. After years of caring for someone else it will be a huge change to have to take care of yourself. counselling may not solve the problem or take away the hurt, but it does provide an opportunity to talk about it as often as you need to with someone who is professionally trained to provide support and guidance and is not emotionally involved like our families and friends are.

Thats messed up...

Here Im worried because if I end up having something I have no significant other to go through it with me, besides my family, AND the girl that I thought would be there... well things didnt turn out...

Alot of people think Im crazy for saying this, and while I am thankful nothing has been found yet in my case, I had it all planned out. I was ready to fight in case something was found, and I was actually quite happy that even if it was my time to go I would have loved someone and had them love me, and otherwise my shot 22 years of life thus far had been productive, enjoyable and very full. Length of life is not so important to me as the quality of it.

And here this man who you have done so much and been there for thanks you like this?? I would agree with oceanangel and suggest counseling, if that doesnt work out, do whats right for yourself and move on, you dont deserve this.

Ian.

Michelle,
I am so sorry to hear of your news. I am also very sorry you are hurting. This is a real suck thing for him to do and ungrateful doesn't even scratch the surface. Something similar happened to my friend Rod. In the worst part of his treatment after his 3rd chemo treatment his girl started her crap. He knew something was wrong when he was in the hospital and she didn't come to visit.Her friends and drinking were more important. Shortly after that she left for another man. He was very, very sick when she left. I think thats why his depression and self esteem were so bad. He didn't have teeth and was very thin, he thinks this is why she left. This doesn't even begin to tell you how horrible she was to him the whole time, when he was the one who took her and her three kids into his home and gave them the world. A week before his treatment started, he was putting a pool in for her kids. It all makes me very livid to think about. But all I can say is...live for you now.I don't know why people do the terrible things they do to each other but they do. Maybe right now he isn't thinking clearly...who knows!Maybe he will come to realize what he's done...maybe it will be too late???? Just take care of you!And I agree with the above, couseling may do a world of good for you! Let us know how your doing! Will be thinking of you & God bless!Maureen

Michelle, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Take comfort in the fact that you were there for him and you did the right thing! You are in my thought and prayers, Take care and God Bless, Carol

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's really disappointing. A range of emotions are experienced during an ordeal with a life threatening illness, but I can't imagine how this could happen. Life is crazy, no doubt about it. I've heard of caregivers leaving, which I can't fathom either, but this is really unfortunate. I'm sorry you've been put through so much.
Dave

Michelle
You can go on with your life with your head held high and a clear concience, more than Dan can ever do !
You will never have to tell yourself, I wish I had or I should have done... you were there for him through every step of his treatment and recovery.
I wish we could put it down to Chemo Brain or some such thing but , unfortunately I do not think that is the case .
He is just one selfish, uncaring, so and so.
I am so sorry you are hurting Michelle. Hang in Girl.

Marica

(This is from Barry Cooper's wife, Gail, using his log-in)

Michelle, what a terrible thing! I had a dear friend many years ago who went through a similar situation, but SHE was the one with the cancer (breast cancer). She went through hell, recall in the 70s radical mastectomies were the norm, but she made it -- surgery, radiation, the whole works. When she was just getting on her feet, her damned husband (who was a big-time correspondent for Time magazine and managed always to be on some overseas assignment when she needed him most, thank God for her sister and Mom) left her for some young chick in his office.

She just considered it "good riddance to bad rubbish" and went on with her life. She had a great time doing it!

Gail Mackiernan

Michelle,

I know this will sound quaint maybe but I want to put this out there.....

Sometimes the things that we think are for one reason really turn out to be for another reason entirely.

It is best to look forward not wondering what went wrong (and I am really not one to talk here since I am most guilty of this) but spend the time thinking about what you want.

As a caregiver, I can honestly say that we give up our whole life to take care of others. We do it gladly and graciously with love and honor. Look at this as an opportunity to be selfish without the guilt of wondering who you might be hurting in the process. We caregivers tend to carry a lot of guilt and now is your opportunity to break free and let go.

I know this all seems easy to say, and you're right. We are all full of advice until we have to look in the mirror and listen to ourselves. Then those easy words become the most difficult to carry out.

It is your time now. You have given only a piece of yourself to him and now you have a chance to take back who you are or want to be.

When the crying is done and you are ready to move forward, open the windows and unlock the doors and step out into the sunshine.

Feel it warm you inside and out, then turn and walk into your new life.

Someday, Dan will discover that he made a terrible mistake. I am married to one who will always be in a position to realize things too late. I don't understand people who can't value the gifts they have now. The ones who never know what they have until it is gone. But it is their loss and I would bet that you will find down the road that this was a turning point that leads you to the happiest places in your life.

Make the most of it and you will never regret a thing!!

I feel your pain because I live in fear of the same outcome sometimes. Just hang onto those things that make you wonderful and you will make it through this.

All my thoughts!
Cindy

Cindy
I am so proud of you!
What a lovely thoughful and kind post.
Made me cry.... if that hubby of yours does not see what a gem you are , shame on him.
Take Care
Marica

Marica: yes, shame on him for sure.

Thanks Cindy and everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I've heard of cases before where the caregiver leaves, but never the reverse. I was wondering if anyone has heard something like this due to the radiation. Dan is not aware of the post- radiation problems he may face.....nerve damage, twitches and such. I could never get him to read anything on it, and it never came up in his visits. I never had the heart to tell him what may lie ahead. Since radiation can cause such damage along with the good, I was wondering if perhaps there may have been some damage in his brain that impacted behavior, etc. During his tx when he was so very sick, he experienced a huge problem with delerium. They thought the cancer had spread to his brain. The MRI showed no cancer, but some changes that are typical with dementia patients. I was so glad there was no cancer, I really never pushed the docs for a more definitive answer.

I'm sorry to hear this but, to be honest, I have issues with the title of the post. Some of us are not going to win this battle and the title, at first look, gives a bit of a chill.

Hello Michelle,

Sorry to hear your bad news. I like Glenn have issues with the title of your post. Cancer hasn't killed anyone in your post. When we lose a member to this diaease it hits us all pretty hard ands it's real.

I totally understand what you are saying. But it has killed my marriage, part of me, and part of Dan as well. Cancer can be a killer in more ways than taking life and breath away.

Cancer changes everything......and whether a person wants to admit it or not, a person's life (although it may be spared to the disease) is never the same. I have suffered a huge loss to cancer and I am grieving bigtime, and trust me dear fellow, this IS VERY REAL.....we are both suffering, and my marriage is dead. Dan's and my life have changed forever....our marriage died.

Should Dan's cancer return, I can not be there, where I should be, to care for him, hold him and allow him to as he so often put it.....to "die in my arms." So have an issue if you like, but YOU may not know my grief as you have not experienced it from my standpoint. So my "member" may not have been lost to the disease, so far, but part of both Dan and I have lost so much due to this horrible illness.

I'm extremely disappointed that some of the people here are too self-absorbed to understand, or try to understand, someone's grief other than their own.

I want to reply to this, but i dont know how. That last comment you made was harsh and i believe not needed. I too had issues with your topic, but I knew you were in pain. I recenntly lost my mom to this and she was my best friend. And i was her caregiver, so i know how hard that can be, but To not be able to have a chance to ever speak to her again, kills me. You and your husband still can have that. He did have a choice in what he did.

Michelle, we are all very sorry for what has happened in your life.

At the same time, please do not stike out at people here. We know a lot more about oral cancer than we do about relationship problems, but that does keep us from feeling bad for you, and no one has suggested that you take your difficulties elsewhere.

Nobody can fault you for what you might think, but please do not insult the people on this forum who have been through some really tough times themselves.

I wish you ease in your heart and that you soon recover your equilibrium.

Michelle, while this is not a cancer related story, I want to share with you the experience I had. I "nursed"-i.e. supported my 1st husband through 4 yrs. of Med school,internship, and residency and fellowship, kept the home fires burning while he was in Viet Nam, stopped teaching when he had finally made it into pratice, and then listened dumbfounded when after 18 yrs of marriage, he announced that he was in love with another[read 10 yrs. younger woman]I then found a new career, pretty much raised our daughter alone and managed to enjoy being single for 11 odd yrs. before remarrying. It will take time for you to absorb whats happening, but You can do anything you set your mind to, including surviving and gaining strenght from this situation. If you were strong enough to care for someone with cancer, you are strong enough to do anything. Remember "I am Woman, hear me roar" Amy