Carol, my best friend and partner of 25+ years, died peacefully at home, March 29, 2011. She was a fighter and fought until her very last shallow breath. A person who was liked by everyone she met, young and old; never complained, never asked for anything; loved animals, rescued a few; loved the outdoors; one hell of a cook; lived life her way. I will miss her deeply. This home (now just a shell of a house) is very, very empty without her. Even though Carol is gone I find myself listening for her voice, any movement she makes, checking the time for the next dose, poking my head into the bedroom and realize she's not there. I fall asleep with the tv on in the bedroom and when I get up after not being able to sleep, I leave the tv on. I've misplaced a few things since her passing and I want to call out to her to help me find them. The inside of the car even feels empty.
The last few days of her life she would abruptly sit up in bed saying she couldn't breathe. The night before she died, she got up, came into the living and watched tv with me and we talked. It was very difficult for me to understand her, but we talked, about nothing in particular, the dumb commercial, if the animals were in the house, things along that nature. The next morning Carol was unresponsive, the hospice nurse came and told me her body was shutting down, but couldn't say when. I called her family with the update and just a few short hours later I had to call her family again telling them she died. I felt guilty because I had to call twice in one day. It seemed as if she was waiting for me to call everyone, knowing for an absolute certainty I would take care of her and her choice of me 25 years ago was right. It was an eerie feeling.
Her spirit is now free. Free of the pain, free of the medications, free of the feeding tube, free of the doctor visits, free of her suffering.
Linda
I'm so sorry! My prayers are with you during this difficult time!
I'm very sorry my thoughts and prayers are with you.
You did everything you could for her.
Connie
I'm sorry for your loss Linda. Please rest assured that Carol is in heaven now. You're right, she is at peace. She is also watching over you and always will be. Maybe she's watching over all of us. I could certainly use an angel in my corner as I am at the begining of my fight. Both of you are in my thoughts and prayres. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you get through this difficult time. Will Zinn
Linda: Very sorry to hear of your loss. You took such good care of her, she will now be your angel looking out for you the rest of your life. May your memories of happier days give you peace at this difficult time.
Ingrid K.
Linda, I am so very sorry that Carol has passed away. She had such a long battle. It seemed every time she got ahead she had another set back. There was so much love between the 2 of you. Most people can live 2 lifetimes and never get to experience anything even close. You did a wonderful job being her caregiver. I hope that in time the happy memories will allow you to feel some comfort. Thank you for letting us know. We were with you in spirit every step of the way.
Linda,
I'm so sorry for your loss.. You will be in my thoughts and prayer's.
Linda,
My heart aches for you and I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Yvonne
Dear Linda,
I am so very sorry to read your sad news. What a kind and loving partner you were to Carol. She sure had a rough time with OC. And as her caregiver, I know it was very difficult for you as well. I hope you can surround yourself with friends and family to help you as you mourn your profound loss. My heart breaks for you--
Anita
Linda,
First I'd like to say "thank you" to you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, your outlook, your love for Carol...and for showing us an example of what it is to be committed to someone. It is easy to see why Carol chose you my friend.
I can't even begin to relate to what you must be feeling right now, I just hope that you can feel your OCF family is with you. We are here both saddened for your loss, but also relieved that Carol is free now and we have her memory to cherish and honor.
I hope that peace finds you. Love, so much respect.
Eric
I'm sorry for your loss, but despite her being gone, know that she is still with you and waching over you.
Much love.
Linda - I am so sorry to hear of Carol's passing and for the sadness that surrounds you now. I'm sure that Carol is very close to you in spirit and being to give you comfort you just as you did for her. In the days ahead, I hope that the happy memories the two of you shared will help to soften the sadness.
Linda,
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
Dear Linda,
I am so sorry to hear this news....you are in my thoughts and prayers. You were a wonderful caregiver to Carol. She will always live in your heart and you two will be reunited one day. Take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Shelley
My condolences to you and to her family. How lucky she was to be so loved and cared for. I hope in time that happy memories of your 25 years together will help to ease the pain. In the meantime - be kind to yourself.
Donna
God bless you, Linda. My prayers go out to you at this sad time.
Linda:
I just got on the Forum and your news was the first thing I read. You have my deepest heartfelt sympathy for your loss - they say "time will heal," but time only passes, and you have to go on because you don't have a choice. I know you will miss Carol now and for the rest of your life. Like you said, she is at peace now and will be your Guardian Angel. You will actually feel her presence at times and that will make you smile. Please stay in touch with us because we are part of your family and want to know how you're doing. May the good Lord be with you during this most horrible time of your life.
julieann
Isn't if funny, how this has happened, I've heard stories of folks on the day before they die, get up out of bed come sit on the couch as if they know...they know this is the last time. Life is a funny thing. I am so sorry for your loss Linda, what a great life you gals had together I am sure. God Bless Carol and God bless and watch over you. Try not to be so sad, live life as she would want you to live and be happy for the times you had together. Oh and go ahead, ask her where those things are you lost, I'm sure she will let you know!
So her long and painful journey is over linda and yours is just beginning.Much love to you and my deepest condolences.
love liz.
Carol,
What a beautiful tribute to your friend and companion. I am so sorry to hear that Carol lost this battle. I do know somewhat know how you feel having recently lost my husband and best friend of 43 years to a sudden heart attack. The emptiness and still expecting them to be there is hard to deal with. Are your pets still have around? I find I can find some comfort in our two cats who also miss him. Try to remember all the wonderful times you had together and maybe it will help you get through this time of grief. I use the memories to put me to sleep at night. My deepest sympathies to you and her family and friends.
Take care,
Eileen
Linda,
I'm so sorry to read about Carol's passing. She was very lucky to have you as her partner and eventual caregiver. It is apparent to all of us that the love you shared was very special.
Linda,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. May you take comfort in knowing an angel is watching over you.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Whenever you hear the words "inoperable" you try to steel yourself and prepare for the day. But no matter how prepared you believe you are, you're not. It still hits you, hits you hard and knocks you on your ass.
Thank you all for your support over the last year. The information you all share from personal experiences is invaluable. I respect each and every survivor and caregiver who fights this horrific disease every hour of every day.
Love and prayers to all.
Linda
Linda
The world shines a little less brightly tonight. My deepest sympathies in your loss
Linda,
I'm so sorry to read about Carol's passing. You had a very special relationship and she was lucky to have you as her partner and caregiver. Words cannot ease the pain you are feeling, but know that I am thinking of you both and share your sorrow.
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you gals had a really good life together. I hope the warm memories will rapidly replace the cold loneliness.
mark
Linda- You were her rock. I agree - no one can ever prepare you for the day they leave this earth. I am sure it was a very very sad day for you.
Your love for each other was so strong. May your beautiful memories together make these days a little less painful.
Thinking of you.
Kate
My thoughts are with you Linda, you and Carol. You are both amazing women and my heart is with you both.
So sorry to hear about your loss. What an amzinf partner and caregiver you were. Praying for you.
Linda, new to this forum but following you from a distance. Such great fighters.
May you offer every day of your new life as a renewed tribute to your Carol: your love will shine again in any extra effort as a reiterated act of courage and respect to her. Give her a smile a day.
You shared moments of empathy until the last night: my deepest respect, sympathy and thoughts to those who have to survive their big love.
Lulu
Linda, I have been away and off of the boards for two weeks and was so, so sad to read about Carol's passing. I have followed your journey and Carol went through so much and fought the good fight. Some people spend there entire life and never find the love you two shared. You were both lucky to have each other and Carol couldn't have had a better or more loving caregiver. I pray for brighter days for you and that the good memories will in time replace the last few awful months. Life is not about how we die but how we live. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Continued prayers for you during this difficult time. Hugs.