If you get the idea from the title that I am not "little miss sunshine" then you are right. My CT results are due on Monday and given all the family "stuff" going on around here, I just wish I was in my usual "pre results panic" mode.

I am having a hard time figuring out why I have fought so hard to date. If you asked me to come up with 5 good reasons, I could not. My family has let me know that I am inappropriate, drive them crazy, too negative, and in general just not someone they really value. I think it would just be so much easier to lay down my armor, stop the fight against this viscious disease.

I talked with Jim awhile ago about what our purpose in life is. I still haven't found mine.

I'm sure there are those of you who will read this post and think to themselves "oh she is just having a pity party and wants people to say that she is valued". I can hardly expect people from an online forum to value me when my own family doesn't!!!!! I don't have that unrealistic expectation.

That truly isn't the case - but I do want to know if others have hit "rock bottom" like this, and if they did, what did they do?

Donna

Donna, don't you dare give up. You are too valuable to the forums . I would hate to come there and bend you over my knee. LOL. Hey , what am I saying, that could be a turn on LOL I just have to remember what a turn on is. You have to ignore your family if they act like that. Why are people so ignorant to their kin and siblings? JUst ignore them and smile Make them
miserable and maybe they will go their own way. Now no more negative talk young lady.

Donna: I definitely don't think you're just having a "pity" party. You feelings are not just cancer related, but are part of a larger population called being human. I can relate as because, just before my cancer diagnosis,I was pretty tired of life. I felt used and abused by everyone. Cancer was my wake up call.

I always use my sister's situation when I talk to my very frustrated and depressed fiends. I really admired how she handled her situation, and try to immulate her in my life.

She and my brother-in-law had to get married way back in 1965. They have two boys. My brother-in-law was an ass, and still is. They are totally different people, and he could be cold and distant. My point is she realized that any person, especially him, could not provide all her emotional needs. So she got busy and built her own emotional fortress. She joined different groups, changed jobs, took up women's golf., etc., etc., etc. She is also very attentive to her friends. It may be just her personally, but I can't believe her support network. She'll have more people at her funeral than any dignitary!!! She's still married to the same man, but when she was 45 she gave him a ultimatum. She won, but he still isn't a warm and loving person in my view.

What I saying is don't depend on one or just your family for all support. You need to build you own network of support. It takes determinaton, guts and work, but it will make you feel better even if you only have one person.

I hope this helps a little. I appreciate that going through the 3 times is extremely frustrating. I totally empathize with you, and wish I could do more.

PS: For me, the cancer was a call for me to get back to being how I was a long time ago. I let people change me, and I lost myself. I was depressed and unhappy so long that I didn't realize it. When I was diagnosed, I decided I WAS IMPORTANT for a change, and really started to work to get my old self back. I won't let anyone intimidate me anymore. I'm honoring myself, and also practicing a few lessons from my sister (who by the way I was estranged from until recently.)

Take care. I'll keep you in my prayers

Sandy S.

Donna, Im so sorry to hear things arent good for you right now. Please do not let others careless comments determine your outlook. We have had this discussion before about family matters. Sometimes, people dont know how much they hurt others.

You are a very valuable member here so please hang in there. I do care and I know many others here do also. This forum is full of caring people who have been there and know how hard it is let alone when you have no support system. Please lean on us if you feel the need, we are here.

Remember, DO NOT EVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT !!!!!!!!

Donna,

Just remember the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives" and I'm sure we all have some relatives we would like to disown. I'm sorry to hear you have more than your fair share. Through my whole ordeal I have gotten more support from my friends and co-workers than a lot of my family members. Hang in there and lean on your OCF friends -- we all care deeply about you.

Donna
you must never forget that for some time you have had two families.One of them totally understands where you are and where you are coming from ,so thats the one to turn too at times like these.Its a waste of energy trying to explain to "outsiders" who never really want to hear anything except that you are ok.This is sometimes because they are too scared by the unknown and also because the word cancer scares the bejesus out of them.
Don't waste your time sweetie,and if you need a buddy to speak to about families,i would have a chat with Patty.

chin up chick and no more of this negative crap.We need you
love liz

Donna, I might seem like superman at times but that is my body. It seems my mind can go into the mood of WHY ME at times. I am like all of us, we get disguted with our siblings often because they ignore us or are too busy to stop by just to see us and how we are. We want them to come see us because they worry and wonder how we are.Just last night I wanted to talk something over with my 3 and called them. Oh yes, I did get one returned call. My oldest son that lives in the Columbus area called me back and was very busy at the time. The other 2, I haven't heard a word from. Now really I can't blame them for ignoring me. They have no idea I wanted to disguss anything with them. We usually talk quit eoften bt it made me a little upset at the time. Things just happen that we must accept the fault for. I should have left in the message I wanted to talk something over. My Fault for that.

Donna

Hit rock bottom? I do it every day. Seriously, I wrestle with the question of "why bother" at least once each and every day. The answers are usually different and sometimes no answer at all.
I'm on my Bob Dylan new album kick and one song sums up our mutual dilemma and search for answers and purpose:
[quote]"There's reasons for that and reasons for this, I can't think of any just now, but I know they exist" [/quote]
Best wishes on the CT results -
Of course life was simpler back in Kindergarten when the good sisters taught that the purpose for all of us was the same:
Q. Why did God make me?
A. God made me to know, love and serve Him in this world and be happy forever with Him in the next.
Peace and Love
Charm

Hey Donna....to answer your question, yep, I think that most go through the "rock bottom" phase...be it patient or caregiver. We are having one of those times now. Hubby isn't returning phone calls or re-setting appointments, and I'm just too tired and strung out right now to be his cheerleader. Family is of no help....kids are either too busy or too scared to come around so they don't. I do agree with Sandy...make your own support network and I agree with Liz...chin up! avoid the negative and come here for support.

For me, the best way out of a total funk is to throw myself into doing something that takes my mind away from the negative. Reading, crocheting, sewing. Something where you can't think about the present moment.

Best wishes with your CT results. BTW "little miss sunshine" is highly overrated.

We may or may not ever find the purpose for our lives. But, saccharine and old fashioned though it may be, the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" makes one think, how have I affected the world around me? We may never know for sure, (we can't all have Clarence the Angel spell it out for us) but hopefully in more possitive than negative ways. Stay in the fight and keep spreading as much positivity as you can (as you do on this forum) and what more can anyone ask of you?

Thanks for the support all. I went to the dr. today and cat scan said something about "no conclusive evidence of disease or metasisis...yada, yada...lots of other 'qualifying' type statements". I am told I should be pleased with this report. The Surgeon will however - in the next couple of weeks - do a biopsy on the lump "just to be sure".

I went to the appointment by myself. I have decided that I need to take full responsibility for and control of my medical issues. If or when there is something that I absolutely must tell those related to me, I will.

Thanks again.

Donna

Sounds "cautiously optimistic" which ain't bad. Sure hope it's good.

Donna,

Sorry that you are having to deal with all this stuff but please don't let it get the best of you.

Now you sound more ;like the Donna I have come to know. Put those gloves on and come out swingin for the KO. Luv Ya gal.

Donna: I'm so happy that you got a good report.

This may not be your situation, but when I had my CAT I was given similar vague info. I spoke directly to the pathology and/or radiation doctor who wrote the report. She stated that the CAT was non-contrasting, and therefore she could only revaluate "macro" scopiclly!. Although she/he may not see any cancer, the qualifying items are what are important. It's an important sign when your doctor is happy. Because when your doctor's not happy, nobody is happy!!

I'm tickled you're doing so well.

Sandy

The CT was contrast, and while I think that most of it is "cover your butt" terminology, some of it did not lend itself to being comforted. The oral cavity was somewhat obscured due to dental ??? (apparently metal fragments from dental work can distort the images - and I had a root canal gone bad that very day - so wasn't surprised at that). My faith in CT's is limited. The only way they have actually diagnosed the cancer was by biopsy.

I don't know whether CT's ever showed it. I'll have to ask sometime.

Donna

Donna:
I'm with you, I'm not a big fan of CT's. I am far, far from being an expert, but from my reading comparing the different technologies in diagnosing cancer, the PET scan is the best.
But I agree with you concerning the biopsy. That's the only true way.

I know that you get more radiation thru a PET, but I'm going to request it in the future.

Take are!
Sandy

Donna -

Keep in mind that these reports are written in a way so that they can be viewed as having mentioned even the remotest possible issue, due to liability concerns. I got a copy of my first post-treatment PET report before I went to the doctor to review the results, and I damn near had a heart attack. Two nodes "concerning for metastatic disease". Now when I went to the doctors, they practically laughed it off.

Now, some 18 months and 2 PET scans later, I have learned to leave the interpretation to the professionals. If my doctors are happy, I am happy. Period. Hope all continues to go well.

Hang in there, Donna. You are a valuable person, a special person and one of a kind. There is no one like you anywhere, now or ever. As far as your family goes, I think some of that attitude could be caused from fear. It's easier for them to ignore you and your problems because for them it's over, because as far as they are concerned you are healed. What I'm saying is, they can't think about losing you to this cancer. My own husband doesn't discuss it with me anymore, even when I'm getting stressed about an upcoming followup apt and you know how THAT is. He says that door is closed and the cancer is gone, I'm cured. He refuses to think about the fact that it could reoccur and will not talk about it. I believe this is because he, for his own state of mind, can't think about it. He went thru hell when I went through the processes, dx, tx, etc... He really was my hero and honestly, I was glad to be in my shoes versus his. I still feel the cancer patient has it easier than the loved ones. I believe with every fiber in my being, that when I leave this world, I'm going to a much better place. It's the ones left behind that go through the real pain. As far as being accused of being negative, screw that. I call that being realistic, not negative. It comes from the research and communication we've had regarding this cancer. We probably know way more about it than we should. I know I do. I found out after I survived the treatment, that alot of people had thought I was a goner. They didn't know me that well, I guess but one woman told me she thought I'd die because I was negative. I couldn't believe that. I asked her why would she think that, hell I was fighting for my life. She said it was the way I spoke to her before the TX. She asked about my prognosis and I just told her like it was, it could go either way, no one was real sure. No big deal to me at the time, I wasn't scared but I wasn't sure which way it would go and I was being realistic with her. I guess I should be scared about the fact that I've never been scared of this. That could take a shrink or two and alot of time, tho and I'm living my life now and don't want to use my time that way. Another thing, what you said about going to your appts by yourself. I go to all of mine alone. I'm more comfortable for some reason. I feel I can ask more if no one is around and if I do get bad news, I'd like to digest it awhile before I informed anyone. When I got the first Dx my husband was with me and I spent more time reassuring him than asking the questions I should have been. I know alot of people that go with family and friends along for support to their followup appts and then they go celebrate afterwards when it all ok. That's great for them but for me, it's less stress for me to do it alone. Donna, I don't know if this helps you, I really hope so because I care about you and want to see you happy. We have enough BS in our lives to put up with other people's attitudes. You need to do what's right for you and not worry about how they feel and don't let them control how you feel. I've read many, many of your posts and know you are a wonderful, caring person. We all have our down days and a little pity party or a good pout is good for us once in awhile. It just makes us more aware of the good things in our lives. From what I'm seeing here, you have many good things in your life right here. Sending you a hug, Carol