It's really tough to talk to anyone about the things that I'm afraid of. I get really awkward and hear a voice in the back of my mind saying "quit your whining" so I just keep quiet about it. But life is a scary place after cancer, knowing that it CAN happen to me. I'm afraid that I may never be able to enjoy food again and can't imagine life like that. I'm afraid that I may have to have massive dental work done and I can't afford it. I'm afraid of so many things but most of all a recurrence and I can not even imagine going through radiation again. I sometimes think that I just won't do it. I've never been a quitter but that might change if I have to face that again. At least I know I can come here and whine if I want to.

David:

Your fears and unspoken words are something I think most of us have. Just try taking it day by day. Maybe go back and read some of your old posts so you can see how far you have come. We are all terrified of a recurrance. Ive had one and am living proof that it can be overcome. Ive also just had all my teeth removed yesterday due to the after effects of radiation. I sometimes feel badly like what you explained. Its a horrible feeling to feel alone and scared of this new life and all the changes that come with it. One thing to remember is that you are seeing doctors who are looking for cancer, if it would come back it would be found very quickly.

Celebrate your milestones. Your 1 year post tx is coming up very soon. Even if you can eat something new, take it as an improvement. Eating will take a long time to return, but it will get better. The support from OCF is what helps us all pull together and move on. Please check in from time to time. It will help you to feel better.

It's good to have a place to whine, kick, cry and just generally bitch about all of this. My husband and I have also had the same fears....not enough money to get through this, having his taste return, possibly having to face it again. Believe me, I'm not expecting those fears to go away when treatment ends. Sometimes just putting it out there in writing and acknowledging it helps. I seriously don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this forum. Some days it's all that keeps me sane to read the posts and know we aren't alone in what we're going thru.

Thanks Christine and Cheryl. I was thinking about it after I wrote that post and thought that was kind of a stupid thing to say. Yes there have been times when I thought I just won't do that again but I know that if I have to I will. And everybody here knows how scary that prospect is. But I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to give up. I won't.

David

It is a scary world. I try to think of the good things as much as possible and try very hard not to think of recurrence or the other scary things. Do you have family or friends to support you?

I do not know what I would do without this forum and a couple of very good friends that take the time to give me a pat on the back every now and then. My family is not very supportive. They don't know how to be.

You will learn to eat food again in your own time. I was coughing and sputtering water not too long ago and today had the first bites of anything that resembles solid food - a pancake. I'm thrilled and I still have a long way to go. It will get better.

Please post the things that you feel here anytime you need to. That's what this is for. Support, encouragment, to have somewhere to fall apart if you need to. We are all here to hold your hand.

Patty

David

Dont worry about posting your feelings here. We have all thoguht those things too. I had always been so afraid of a recurrance that I would not ever dare read anythign about it. It didnt stop me from having one. We are all in this together and understand better than anyone how you feel. Dispair can get to you sometimes when you think too much. Keep your chin up, you have come a long long way and have lots to be proud of. Vent all you want, we are here to listen and support each other.

You are a real man if you can admit to fears and not a phony. WE all have a certain amount of fears. My biggest was being alone when I couldn't even walk or stand. I fell on the floor one day and had to call someone to come and help me back up. I am still self sufficient and trying my beat. Some people just walk away and tell themselves they are right and the world is wrong. See, I am whing right now but it makes me feel better. Go for it all you want and we'll listen to each and every word.

Not only do we listen, we know where you are coming from, in a way that those have have not been touched by this cancer do not. Feel free to post your feelings, and remember that your feelings are entirely natural and normal.

Donna

Yep, all of those fears are valid. But eventually you find that it is just too much work to walk around scared. I could get killed by anything at any time -- worrying about it is pointless

Sitting here at work, we just watched President Obama's motorcade drive by (he is speaking at Police Academy graduation about 6 blocks away), and as often as I have seen it, I am always impressed by the magnitude of the security. Then I thought, "What must it be like to have to live every moment with massive security?" In many ways, our fear of recurrence, side effects, etc. has the same "imprisoning effect".

No "wrong" feeling or fears. We all have them and deal with them as our own circumstances and personalities dictate. That's what makes this group of people really special.

Hang in there!!

As for the President, He will have security like that the rest of his life. Not my type of job. I like the freedom too much.