Oh, i am so glad i found other partners like me. My boyfriend is depressed as well, he slept throught the holidays, has no will to do anything and everything seems to be my fault. The thing is we have just moved house as well and it is like a building site. He is a builder by trade so redecorating would not normally be a problem, but he has no interest at all. I try and do what I can for all decoration works like filling holes, painting, sanding stripping wall paper, but to him I have done them wrong (I am not a builder, i am an accountant, how am I supposed to know!). I try cooking something nice but the food has too much salt... I try cuddles, cajoling, gentle persuation to go outside for some air... Nothing works. I spent the 10 days Xmas break trying to help (leavving enugh time to sleep, nap and rest), to no avail. He was just more and more grumpy and ignored me. I am now back at work, and I have never been so happy to be back at work after a holiday. I feel really guilty for feeling that way, but I sometimes feel like I need some meds, or a shrink. It's good to off load though.
I don't really know how to help either. Strangely enough he seems to have perked up since i returned to work. Maybe I was nagging, maybe he misses me during the day and is happy to see me again? I don't know. But i do hope he gets better soon.

hi,

Sorry about my rant above.
Martin is now very depressed. he seems to be sleeping constantly and has no will to get up. I try and try, but nothing seems to motivate him. i took last week off thinking he could supervise my decorating attempts and mostly spend some time together. But in 9 days he was up only 2 days. Then when he realises the day is finished he gets annoyed and says he wasted a day. The dental hygienist suggested that he should talk to someone, but he refuses and says he doesn'y believe in that mamby pamby stuff. I wake him up and he says go away I am getting up in a minute and gets grumpy. So I leave alone then try again an hour later and same again...
On saturday it was bright outside, so I tried to make him come out to sit in the garden as we have our first crocuses out, so the garden is starting to look pretty, and I thought planting new bulbs and get some air might sound attractive, but he didn't get up.
I have absolutely no idea what to do. I want to help, but I don't know how and he won't let anyone in.
C

Well short of slipping some happy pills into his drinks then he needs to talk to someone who is professionally trained to deal with his depression. Many of us on this site dealt with depression after our Tx ended and some were able to do it alone and some benefited from some feel good pills to improve their mood and get them over the "hump" so to speak. You may try to leave him a strongly but nicely worded note expressing your frustration and concern. I wish you luck.

Hi Cecilia,

I had a lot anxiety issues and a bit of depression. I do see a therapist and she has been SO helpful. I cannot express how much better I feel now. My first appointment I cried almost the entire time!! I never felt so good.

I wish you much luck
Suzanne

Hi, Like the others, I went thru a depression after the treatment was over. It's was strange because when I was in tx, I had ALL of these wonderfully nice folks taking care of me, being all my new friends then the tx ended and I was alone. Sad.... where did everyone go? For months, we are pampered and cared for and then we are dumped. It wasn't easy for me and I wasn't alone because I spoke to others that went thru cancer tx and most of them experienced the same thing. One thing that helped me get over some of it was watching every funny movie or tv show I could handle. The more I laughed, the better I felt every day. I'm 3 1/2 yrs out of tx and I still have some depression and some anxiety. For that I have a handy little remedy called Xanex. I've been pretty stressed this past week as I'm facing a follow-up appointment tomorrow and of course, I'm sure the cancer is back. Not really but I always feel that way until the Drs tell I'm still cancer free. It's been a sort of Xanex day today.:) Good luck with your BF, go rent him Animal House, that movie still cracks me up! Oh... and Rat Race! Carol

Hi Cecilia,

I remember the days you are going through like they were yesterday. I couldn't get Dan to even walk around the block because he was afraid of seeing someone he knew and he had lost his voice and so much weight that he just was self-conscious. On the days when he did have energy to get out of bed, he would just pace the bedroom hallway.

Eventually, (maybe 4+ weeks post treatment) I got him to get into the car and I would drive to a park where we were sure not to run into anyone we knew and he started to slowly walk (just a tiny bit at first and then a little bit farther every day).

However, what helped the most was when I took him in to see his family physician for a follow up after a night in the ER for a staph infection.

The doc (who has known him for years) asked him how he was and of course my husband said he was fine. I went on a rant about how he was anything BUT fine. And, I described all the goings on that you mentioned in your posts above and then some.

The doc had a heart to heart with Dan and told him he was in a crappy situation...recovering from treatment, not being able to eat, not being able to work, not having any energy...and then he explained that he (like most people who have had the crap kicked out of them from treatments) was dealing with situational depression. And, after much cajoling and a little stern talking, he finally convinced my husband to go on anti-depressants for a couple of months until the situation got better.

Once my husband could eat regular foods again, his mood and outlook improved and he went off the antidepressants about 3-4 months after he started. He doesn't think they made a huge difference. But, as the caregiver, I want you to know they made a GIGANTIC difference. I was to the point that I wanted the doc to prescribe him something to deal with his depression or prescribe me something so I could deal with him.

The nice folks at our CCC tried to get Dan to go on anti depressants, but they were not successful. I think it was the long-standing relationship with our family doctor and the opportunity to talk to him outside of the cancer center that really made a difference.

I wish you luck! This part is hard on patient and caregiver alike.

[quote]"I was to the point that I wanted the doc to prescribe him something to deal with his depression or prescribe me something so I could deal with him."[/quote]

Had to chuckle at this - so true!.....I have been a caregiver before - to my mother recovering from three surgeries over a couple years for intestinal blockages, and for a SO with heart disease. As soon as my husband got the diagnosis I went straight to my doctor and asked him to prescribe something for me. I tend to carry my stress in my shoulders and hunch them up thus causing a great deal of pain in my neck (literally) from a bulging disk. I think my exact words were "give me something to get my shoulders out of my ears!" I knew I was not going to have the time or inclination to deal with my own aches and pains through Mike's treatment. I've been basically pain free and much less stressed - not a bad thing. Mike is on Ativan to deal with the mask right now and as of today is also on an antidepressant. Whatever it takes to get through this. Cecilia, I hope you or someone else close to him is successful in getting Martin to try an antidepressant but don't forget about taking care of yourself. I wish I had been smart enough to get some help for myself with my earlier CG experiences.

Hi,
Thanks for the advice. Our old doctor is a bit distant, but there is a new younger one who listens and cares. He is very much in demand but if I can get Martin to see him he might be able to help. The thing is Martin says our kitchen is like a pharmacy and his belly rattles with pills. I am not sure how he would respond to more pills. I will try though. Funny enough today was good day for Martin. Well until he got grumpy on the phone. I finally made to my much needed lunchtime Pilates class, I was tense and crooked and had lower back pain so it helped. Mid class my cell phone rang and I ignored it, I was lying flat on my back with my legs in the air and a weighted ball between my knees. After the third consecutive ring, I got worried and thought he had injured himself, so I answered to "Ah finally, you decided to answer your phone, you never answer your ** phone". When I asked if he was ok he said yes he was bored, so I told him I was in the middle of Pilates, and I called after the class.
I helped him drill some holes in the ceiling and hold some boards up.
He seems better but not talkative. I will see how he is tomorrow, and suggest seeing the GP.
Thanks

I really understand how he feels about the pills....our house looks like a pharmacy, my purse rattles with pills. We have 2 grandchildren living with us who are on medication for ADHD and features of bipolar, I'm on 4 meds and then there are the piles and piles of Mike's drugs. I keep telling myself and Mike that this is only temporary....some of these pills will gradually go away....probably to be replaced by others but hopefully some will just go. I've also told H that just because he's sick doesn't give him the right to be an a$$. Sometimes a little tough love helps....I don't think he even understood that he was being a jerk. Good luck

Did I miss it? Has someone posted a standard for how many pills are quite enough? What has the raw number of meds being taken at any time have to do with their effectiveness?

Sounds, once again, like misplaced efforts to control the uncontrollable (the cancer) by controlling something else, like the number of pills or the number of chairs in the room -- Reminds me very much of the joke about the drunk searching for his car keys a block away from where he lost them because "the light's better here"