Judith,

It really troubles me to hear that his cancer doctors haven't told him sternly about continued tobacco use. I have seen a few on this site that have continued to smoke during and post Tx despite our pleadings and not one of them is alive today. This cancer is very aggressive and especially so if there's a tobacco connection so in my opinion I would tell him not to bother with the surgery and concurrent radiation/chemo if he is going to continue to smoke. I mean why put himself through all of that if he's not totally committed to saving his own life. Why waste everyone's time and energy.

Judith, his hospital stay is likely to be a 'cold turkey' withdrawal from smoking. You might want to speak to his Docs about nicotine patches or something like that to ease him into it.

Actually, he should be able to talk with his trach in; all he has to do is put a finger over the hole when he tries to talk. Of course, the quality of his speech will be another story <grinz>.

Meanwhile, get him a clipboard with a pen on a string and loose sheets of paper so he can communicate.

Hello Sue, Jeff and Cray, many many many thanks once more for your posts. We returned to the hospital today for a further appointment and final consultation and Harald will be admitted on Tuesday for operation all day on next Weds (Sept 10th). He has managed to go the last 2 days and nights without smoking and I think its finally hitting home to him what this is all about. I see it as the biggest rock (not pebble) that anyone has ever thrown in a pond and the ripples are far fetching.... so many consequences of years of smoking and booze too.... Im feeling all kinds of things - anger sometimes that he has been so self destructive in life - we havent even been married 5 years.... I want a life with him. I will do all I can to be positive and look after him the best I can. Work will pay both him and me whilst we are off, but my job was under review anyway (as those of all the secretaries of the organisation where I work), so there is added stress there. Ive never been through such an awful time in my life and then the guilt comes in because Im not even the patient! Thank you, Sue, Jeff and Cray and also David. I will savour the little victories and each small step - that is good advice. I will be back and in touch again. MANY THANKS FOR BEING THERE: I NEED YOU SO MUCH:

Best Wishes, Judith (England)

After my surgery and neck dissection, I couldn't have inhaled enough to light one up. I couldn't even inhale a milkshake thru a straw. Haven't had a cigarette in a long time now. What a way to quit tho. LOL

Hang in there, Judith. This is a roller coaster from hell! Jim and I have only been married (2) years and we "upped" our marriage due to the cancer and the fact that he needed a care giver....it will be a roller coaster for you. Smoking is a personal choice and while Jim and I have never smoked, I always looked at the addiction like weight...you know you need to do something about it, but it is a personal choice that only the person himself can make. Hang in there...you have found the best place to land...we are all here to help, in good times and in bad! It will be tough, but I tend to agree that if he doesn't stop smoking NOW, then why bother with going thru the pain.

We're all here for you!

Paula

Judith,

I find it to be amazing that your husband's doctors have NOT told him that he MUST stop smoking. Saying it would be "ideal" and not pushing him to stop, really shows a lack of professionalism. I would try to get them to change their approach and help you out here. It's a known fact that smoking will slow down any healing process.

I can't imagine that they will let him smoke in the hospital. If he will be in for 2 - 4 weeks as you mentioned, I think he will have to stop smoking. You better keep his door locked when he starts getting around, so he can't go outside. Believe it or not, there are people that smoke through their trachs.

Good luck with his surgery and the smoking cessation.

Jerry

Hello Jim, Paula and Jerry, thanks so much for your most helpful advice and support. Paula: may I ask you - as caregiver to your husband - I hope you dont mind me asking, but I have been told by the hospital I will need to take about a month off work post-op with Harald, but as a caregiver I guess its forever, caring for a loved one, but Im wondering how long I will need to be off work to care for him? Will I have to give up work, Im wondering? I dont mean that to sound selfish in anyway, but with Harald being 60 if he does go back to work it will only be for 5 years before he retires and we need the income that my job would bring. May I ask if you work or are you a caregive to your husband at home? sorry, Ive not worded this very well but I hope you know what I mean. On a brighter note, Harald has not had a cigarette for 3 days now and has said he will give up. Im hoping and praying, after all, we are in this journey together and apart from himself, I have asked him to do that for me. Only 5 days now until the operation. My biggest problem is looking too far ahead as they wont know the complete diagnosis (or prognosis) until they get the pathology from the big op. All we know so far is T4 from an incisional biopsy, so we dont know the whole picture yet, except they have said they believe one, maybe two nodes are involved in the neck so they are taking as many neck nodes as they can. Gosh. Its all so scary.... but Im so pleased that you are all out there as my new friends/contacts because it really will help to keep me (and Harald= going. Thanks so much.

Judith xxx

Judith-Hang in there. The smoking issue is a really tough one. My husband quit about 8 years ago but I guess it still took its toll. It really bothers me when people used to tell me that I had to make him quit. It's his decision. And for those who say why bother with the pain of treatment if you're not going to quit, they are very insensitive to the situation. Although I'm sure smoking and/or drinking caused many of the oral cancer cases-you can't be sure that's why. There are several other factors involved. I hope your husband sticks to his guns and really gives it up.
Did the doctors say he would need full time care for a month AFTER he gets out of the hospital? Is there anyway you could get some help so you can keep your job? Everyone is so different in regards to recovery time. My husband was in the hospital for 2 weeks and needed me full time for several weeks afterwards. Then he had to go for chemo and radiation everyday for 7 weeks. Needless to say, I had to quit my part time job. I'm just really lucky that we didn't count on that income.
Sue

Clearly there are several other factors involved, but just because that is true that does not mean that they are equally likely. This is wishful thinking and can obviously be used to justify anything.

Smoking IS a major cause for oral cancer, there is no if, and, or but about it. It is also something you can control yourself. You cannot do much about your genetic predisposition. The fact that he smokes and has cancer now means that it it highly likely that this was the cause. In the unlikely event that it was not.... continued smoking will retard the healing process and can also cause brand new cancers and other health issues. And since he, like many of has already gotten it, it is also clear that the immune system already screwed up once! There are already enough people who are doing the right things and who unfortunately still do not make it. Smoking makes the long term prognosis poor statistically.

The message is very clear.

M

Judith,

I was lucky enough to work for a company who donated vacation days to me for days I needed to be with my husband. During treatment I worked from home a lot. I also relied on my husbands family and my adult children to take him to treatment some days so that I could go into work.

I have a real control problem when it comes to his care so I was able to be with him most of the time.

There is really no set answer because everyday will change. Just buckle in and make sure you research the cancer and the drugs you husband is taking. cray