Having read many of the posts here, I'm fortunate to have a good prognosis... however, I still can't get over having the Big "C", and occassionally find my mind wandering into dark places like my surgical resection may not go so well.

I can reason that I'm not a fotune teller and that this is just typical of the mind sometimes being its own worst enemy, but why does it do this and are thre any tricks any of you have used to stop it?

Hi stephen
this is the worst time for those sort of problems.
Once you have started treatment you will find yourself involved in such a heavy schedule,and you will be so tired,that you probably won't have time to think too much.
Rob and i both found that keeping busy was the best cure for wandering mind syndrome,although i know some people have been so badly effected that they have needed anti anxiety meds.

liz

Stephen,

I call that the "what if game" and know I indulge in it sometimes.

"What if the treatment doesn't work?"
"What if I can't tolerate it and have to quit?"
"What if the cancer comes back?"
"What if I can never taste food again??"

For me, its fear, plain and simple and the only way to stop it is to think logically. I have a great medical team who are busting their butts to get me well. I am doing as best as I can do to follow their instructions for my own care and, when I need to, I talk to someone about my fears. For me, that's the best trick - being honest with myself, admitting my fears and then moving on.

This cancer is not my first cancer, so I've had to process this fear before, but I can assure you, it hasn't gotten that much easier.

- Margaret

Tune these thought out as best you can and try your darndest to live a happy normal life for now..Think positive.

I agree that the what-ifs are the worst when you haven't started treatment yet. once the treatment starts you have enough to do to stay on top of your day to day self-care that it's much easier to stay in the moment.

Before I started treatment, when I got the "what-fs" I tried to focus on things I cold do to help with my care later. I asked friends nearby what sort of support they could give as I was going through treatment (often they volunteered things like willing to get groceries or come over and sit with me for a while so my husband could get a break, but if not I gave them a list of help I might need at some point). Then I made a call list for my husband of the 14 or so helping friends/families that had volunteered something such as taking me to treatments, groceries, giving advice if he wasn't sure about whether to call the doc about something, etc., and listed specifically what they had said they could help with next to their names and their phone numbers.

I made a notebook with a place for all the care instructions about post-surgery, chemo, etc. and a log for medications that I could print out (I think we have an example of somehting like this on this site). I tried to get ahead of things I usually took care of like getting the car tuned up and taking the dog for her shots, etc. so they wouldn't come up in the middle of treatment. Not to mention tried to get the house as clean as possible because I knew my husband wasn't very good at keeping up with that in normal circumstances let alone when he would be taking me to treatments every day.

I started a "Caring Bridges" webpage to keep people updated and an email list. In short, I kept myself busy with being proactive about things that would help me get through treatment and that kept some of the bigger fear away. I also kept a jounral and wrote about what scared me, and talked to supportive people about my fears.

I'm a bit hesitant to share this last one because it sounds like it's about religion but in some ways it is just about the psychology of mindfulness. I also have and had a meditation practice where I just sat with my fear if it came and let it be. That last sounds impossible perhaps and it sometimes felt impossible right after the cancer diagnosis (in my case diagnoses), if I hadn't had the practice for several years before then, I don't think I would have been able to do it at all but it did help me. In my case, I do combine that meditation with prayer, but (research actually shows) it works just as well without the religious side.

Nelie

Stephen,
I remember a lecturer from several years ago who said that when worry comes "push it away with both hands" as he put his hands up as though he were pushing an annoying person out of the way. He meant that you should not let problems take over your mind. I have found several ways to overcome the "what ifs." Joy is the best remedy. Rejoice in what is posative in your life. Make a celebration, even if it is only sharing a good joke or a special treat with someone else. Find something utterly beautiful or silly to concentrate on. Make faces in the mirror. Do busy work like making a list of books to read or a task you have been avoiding and probably always will. In other words,treat the "what ifs" like a jack in the box, just keep pushing them away any way you can. Or do a "Scarlet O'Hara" and just tell your self you'll worry about it "tomorrow."

Thanks for the posts and advice, you guys and gals are awesome.

I have decided I'll wear a Hawaiian shirt to the surgery.

Stephen,

Love the hawaiian shirt. Hang in there...you can beat this. I had my picture taken with my pre surgical nurse cause I told him I planned on never seeing him again. Malka speaks the truth...the thoughts start infiltrating and I push back as hard as I can...good things are even more likely.

I love the Hawaiian shirt idea -- maybe you can expand on that theme and buy yourself a new Hawaiian shirt at various treatment milestones.

What you have been told here is true -- you can't live in the world of the "possible", as that world is almost always dominated by negative thoughts. Why do we not think that we might win the lottery? ;-)

I had to realize that I could only take care of the things I could control -- i.e. go to the best doctors I could find, ask the right questions, get a treatment plan that we agree on, and do exactly what the doctors tell me to do. I did all of that, and continue to do it. We only have the power 1) to do the best we can with what is in front of us at this moment and 2) control how we react to what happens around us. I could step outside my office and get hit by a bus today, so getting consumed by what "might" happen tomorrow is fruitless.

Don't get me wrong -- I still plan things and pretty much carry on the way I did before. The major difference is that I am more acutely aware of the need to enjoy today for the unique opportunities and challenges it provides. I still get anxious every time I have a follow-up visit, but overall the anxiety level goes down over time. I think it is the worst just before treatment starts, and just after you recover from the treatment.

We can drive ourselves crazy with statistics and possibilities. No question that getting this disease is a life altering event. The trick is to make it a positive change in terms of attitude and approach. I analogize it to being on the golf course -- if I focus on the score I want to get on the hole, chances are I am going to screw things up somewhere along the line. If I focus instead on making a good swing with each shot, the results tend to be better. No guarantees -- I can still make a good swing and have the ball hit a sprinklerhead and go out of bounds -- but that is just a reminder that I only control the process, not the results. In our case, the process is living.

What you are going through is entirely normal. Allow yourself to fret and grieve and be angry, but do not let those feeling dominate you. We eventually need to find a compartment to put this in, but that only happens with time.

Keep posting!!

Jeff, my son wants me to golf with him Wed evening. It's been 3 years since these clubs and that TI Bubble 2 have hit a ball. If it isn't too hot, I will go but have a cooler full of ice water to keep my mouth moist. You just gave some good advice to Stephan. Go for the Hawaiian shirt .