Spent Friday night tossing and turning just waiting for the time to get up and set off on my journey back to Robin.It was a wierd feeling knowing there was not going to be a smiling face and loving arms waiting for me and i was wound up like a spring when i set off.
Luckily the traffic was minimal and i settled comfortably into the long drive ahead,until i was suddenly overcome by the strangest sensation of disorientation.I slowed down and tried to take stock of the passing landmarks but i just didnt seem to be where i expected to be.
After a few minutes i saw a signpost that told me i had travelled nearly 35 miles along the motorway and i realised i had no recollection of one single mile of it.
I wasnt aware of being distracted,but as the journey passed, my head just filled with pictures that i didnt want to be there.Horrible visions and memories that meant me driving a good part of my journey with my vision blurred by tears i just couldnt hold back.

I drove through the village and past our flat feeling calmer ,and when i walked into the pub where i had arranged to meet cousin Daved ,i was engulfed in a wonderful warm welcome from all the people in there,who seemed genuinely pleased to see me.

My next stop was to see Robin and plant the two two minature Photinia (Little Red Robins)i had taken with me .It felt surreal and totally ridiculous that i was standing in the middle of a cemetry VISITING my husband.Surely we should have been cosied up in our flat exchanging hugs!!!

I drove to Paul and Carolines and as Paul opened the door and pulled me into his arms i almost felt relieved.Paul is a mirror image of Robin,and for one brief moment i felt as if i had him back,but the still raw grief on Pauls face remimded me that he was just his brother and grieving just like me.

Pauls wife went out that evening and left us alone,and we talked for hours,and it was good.
Paul has been in a very dark place and felt no one understood how he feels,but a few hours with me and i think he realised that he is not alone with his feelings,and it did us both good.

Sunday dawned dark,windy and raining and that was the weather for the whole of Robins birthday .
Sunday lunchtime saw a great gathering at the pub for the dedication of his memorial bench complete with beautiful bronze plaque and a helium birthday balloon tied to it.And the afternoon saw the memorial service in the village church.

This is a special annual service held for the families of all the people who have passed in the last twelve months and was preceded by afternoon tea in the church hall.
From the moment i set foot in the church i felt every bit of self control i have exersised over the last twelve weeks evaporate.Every hymn,prayer and reading was aimed at the grieving and those suffering loss,and all the tears i never shed at his funeral fell in buckets and buckets,and when it came time to step forward and light Robins candle i was a total mess.
As soon as it was over i fled to the pub garden and sat on his bench for an hour in the torrential rain till i was soaked to the skin and frozen to the marrow.

Robs friends were all waiting for me and i was welcomed with warm towels and a double brandy, and then i just let them work their magic of story telling,laughter,reminiscing and love,and i felt calm and at peace.

Monday i drove over to the hospice and as the door shut behind me i felt as if i had come home the warmth and peace just overwhelmed me and i felt truly close to him for the first time in weeks.I sat in the garden with his tree for a while,and as i was leaving one of his nurses spotted me and came over.She was so pleased to see me and insisted that she went and got Jane ,Robs special nurse who she said would want to see me.
Jane had to go on holiday the day before Rob died and he was devastated,and she tearfully told me she thought about him all the time for the first day she was in Spain,and woke early on the Sunday morning and walked down to the beach to sit.
At 5 am she saw the most beautiful sun rise and photographed it because it was so spectacular.
When she returned to work she read the report on Robins last hours only to realise that he died at 5am on the first Sunday of her holiday.She truly believes it was a spiritual message,and i thought it was magical.

Monday night i went to dinner with all our friends who had shared the journey with us,and today i drove to the village and went into the pub garden.I picked up the lead weight on his birthday ballon,cut it off and watched it float away in to the sky.Then drove home.
No tears,but a lost feeling that i dont know where home is any more,but a definate reaffirmation of the love and laughter my wild boy still creates even in death.

I was a caregiver,now i have to be a survivor out of love and respect for the man he was to so many.

Oh Liz---fabulous!
So glad for the people there, for your ability to cry, for the caring you found, and afraid you wouldn't, from those 'closest'.
You ARE a 'survivor' and from now on babe, you're just going to be 'YOU'!! Rob would be proud of you! He knew how strong a person you were from your solitary years before you lost your heart---then in later years, a part of your whole life-to him.
Woman--I'm so pleased for you, which sounds wierd when it was so obviously sad! (can anyone tell me how to spell wierd correctly??)
Stop making me cry woman---next year, we go back and let off some more balloons--yup--both of us!!
Love Bren x

P.S. Bring on the man-size Kleenex Ultra-Balm tissues and double brandies!!!!
x

I am very proud of you Liz. You were strong when he was here and you are still that strong lady you were then. Keep your chin up sweetheart and know that we are all here for you.

Billy

Bren thats a date!!!

Billy bless you hun xx

Liz...your posts always make me cry, and my heart hurts for you with every line read. I pray that if I ever lose my Buzz that I will somehow to strong enough to exhibit the same grace and poise that you surely have displayed during your long trial...I can say nothing more than you have been the greatest inspiration to me. I sincerely hope that you will find the peace you deserve.

Lois

Dont cry Lois you have so much to celebrate so lets have smiles all the way

much love liz

Liz, thank you for sharing that beautiful post with us, God Bless, Carol

Liz,
You never cease to amaze me. You will forever be my hero.
Love,
Donna