Tomorrow my husband and I will be flying to Maui to tell his parents about his cancer.
He had a positive lymph node biopsy in Nov 2006.
Neck disection / tongue biospy Jan 9, 2007.
At first I urged him to tell his parents, but he insisted not to. In fact he didn't want anyone to know. I think that was one of the first things he said after receiving the phone call with the biopsy results. So I went along with it until the holiday approached and ended up telling my family who live on the mainland...no threat for people close to us here to find out and I just needed someone to talk to about it.
He started radiation therapy on 2/20/07 and his first weekly chemo on 2/22/07. A few days ago he came home and just told me that it has been eating him up inside and he is ready to tell his parents. I was relieved. We speak with them every Sunday and it's hard to tell them that everything is fine.
We are going over Saturday morning and returning Sunday afternoon. I think it will be easier on my husband that way, but not so easy on his parents. They are both in their late 80's, but pretty healthy. But he does need to get back for his treatments.
I am really dreading having to do this even though I have been waiting since Nov for him to tell them.
We are handling things pretty well and are over that "hump" of first learning that he has cancer. I am breathing without having to think about it and I can actually sleep through the night.
To go through this with them is going to bring this all back again. I hope I can be strong enough to comfort them and somehow give them some piece of mind that we are managing well despite all this. I just hope they can understand why my husband chose not to tell them and forgive us. What's worse is that they knew he went for a lymph node biopsy and he told them that the results were negative.
The good thing is that he is doing well so far 2 wks in to treatment. Still eating whatever he wants..his weight is holding, although he has lost about 15 pounds since they last saw him. But he looks good...158. I think he just wanted to go see them before he starts to get too far in to therapy.
Thanks for hearing me out
Vicki

Robin found out he had cancer three weeks before christmas.It was a little difficult for him to keep his problem a secret because of the size of the swelling on his jaw and neck,but we made a bilateral decision not to tell immediate family on his side that it was cancer until after Christmas.There just didnt seem any point in everyone having a miserable time lol.Rumours were flying round the village but we managed to keep it from his brother and sister and daughter until after the holidays,and i think we did the right thing.the support we are getting is brilliant and although Robins brother was absolutely distraught and went into a massive spiral of stress and depression,seeing Robs attitude and talking about it has been great and every one is on board now.I hope things go well and tell him his parents will find the strenght from somewhere parents always do.

much love

Vicki,

It's perfectly normal IMO not to want to tell anyone that you have cancer. It's almost as if we are made to feel like it's our fault and we therefore feel ashamed. I was discussing HPV with a client the other day as the cause for cervical and oral cancers and he comically (I hope) said "well those sex perverts deserve it."

Unfortunately not telling people you are close to is not good for the patient nor the spouse. I know I did not relish the thought of telling my family, friends, employees and clients but my wife "made me". I really felt better once everyone knew. Still it's not easy to experience. I think you will both feel relieved to get this out in the open. Believe me this will be one less thing you have to worry about as his Tx progresses.

Vicki,

It can be hard to try to find the right time to tell family members. My father passed away just a few hours before I received my biopsy results, and I knew I couldn't drop that bomb on my mother right away. However, I also knew it would be hard to keep the news from her for very long. I think close family members tend to have instincts about these kinds of things, so it's pointless to try to sugar-coat the news for an extended period of time. It just makes it more difficult to explain the delay when you end up telling them.

Cathy

One of the most serious dangers of not informing other family members or close friends, it seems to me, is that of isolation. And isolation can cause emotional "burn-out" very quickly. Amy in the Ozarks

I think Amy hit it on the head, the danger is the isolation and the sense that you're keeping a nasty secret. I hope the visit to his parents went well. At least he got to do that himself and it didn't fall to you.

He's getting to the point where he will be starting to get some side effects from the chemoradiation so the timing is good to let them know. In the end none of us want to deal with it, but burdens that we share seem lighter.

Jack and I just got back from the big island - beautiful place you live in. We've been to Maui as well. I really liked the whales.

Regards JoAnne

Hi Everyone,

Back from Maui.
It went about as well as expected. His mom took it pretty hard, but his dad was strong. Of course there were no hard feelings about the delay in telling them about the cancer. Because of their ages (both near 90) I didn't give them all the details about what he will go through in the next couple of months completing his therapy. We did show them and explain about the PEG and the reason for it. But it seemed uneccessary to tell them he will be in a lot of pain and may not be able to eat normally for a while. Who knows...maybe he will be able to get through all this without using the PEG. I know there are some of you who have and that is encouraging.
The hard part about the weekend was going to church with them. I had to get up and leave twice because I started to cry. I had a hard time pulling it back together, so after the second trip outside, I decided to just stay outside. It's been a while since I've cried at all and I guess the pressure from telling his parents and seeing his mom so upset just brought it all back. I feel better now that we are home.
Thanks for all your replies.
Vicki

Vicki, I am so glad that you all shared the info with his parents. It really was the right thing to do. As far as your tears-- they are a healthy and necessary emotional release for you. Please do not underestimate the strain that the role of caregiver will place upon you. You will need to recognize and deal with your own issues in this journey to be able to deal with his. The best therapies I discovered were #1. to start a blog here [I didn't know what a blog was 2 yrs ago, but I learned that it is just like an old fashioned diary of my teenage yrs- just not so private] and I could cry, curse, whine, ask for help, whatever I needed to do to get through what was going on. #2. There are some incredible people on OCF that "took me into their arms" and propped me up along the way. Please take advantage of all the good informations and support that is offered here. It will help you both get through athis. Amy in the Ozarks