My family could not have made it through my treatment without help. My friends set it up so that they all took turns bringing my family dinner. One girlfriend hung a calender in the gym lobby and everyone signed up for a day. My family had dinner delivered to our door for a few months.
Asking for help right now is best for your entire family. Maybe if you look at it that way you will be able to open up to others.
Minnie

I wish that I could explain to you this person that I love. I am not sure that it would make sense if I tried and it woud take volumes.

As for the dogs, my husband is well aware that they are old and being neglected. We have run out of money since neither of us is working so I can no longer afford to take care of them. They are in constant pain and I have begged him for months to let them go. He is just one of these people who can't or won't and while he knows it has to be done, he will never consent.

They live in the back yard because they are not allowed around my kids and the only time they see people is when they are fed once a day. While Harry is in the hospital, my step-daughter comes over and feeds them for me. The rest of the month they get fed when I can but sometimes I miss a day here and there because the kids and Harry must come first.

Our friends, the vet (also a good friend) and his daughters all agree it is time. He just won't even talk about the subject. I have tried and tried to get him to talk about it, make a decision and all he says is that he is not ready and in the meantime, they suffer greatly everyday. Thus I am forced to make the decision. It is a tough thing and like everything else I have to handle around here it is just another thing that must be done.

To him it will be another part of his life that cancer is taking from him. To me it is what is best for the dogs, my family, and him. It is more a timing thing. Because he has put off making the call, I have to. All of his avoidance does not erase the fact.

As for myself and the family.....

He has 3 daughters all grown. The oldest lives in corpus christi and she is on welfare and has finally gone back to school over the last couple of years. She has 2 sons 16 & 18. It is difficult for her to come here to Houston. The other 2 daughters live here. Often they are difficult to find. I ask them sometimes to come and help and when they can they do. The middle daughter has 2 children- one will be 4 in May and the other was just born at the end of October. The youngest daughter just got married and she helps me with some things and other times I call and leave messages and I just don't hear from her. These two are school teachers and 2 weeks ago they had spring break. Neither of them came over to see him, only one of them called a couple of times while we were at radiation. Neither of them volunteered to take him to radiation ever.

His mother lives in Alabama with one sister. His other sister lives in Indiana. His mother is 90 and while she is a very tough lady there is really not much she can do. She did come to visit right after the first chemo tx and that was good.

My mother lives in Florida and has been stuck fighting insurance companies and roofers trying to get her house repaired after being slammed by 2 hurricanes last September. My sister lives here but she is an hour away on the other side of town. She works two jobs but she does come and help me on the weekends sometimes. She is an alcoholic so it is difficult sometimes as well.

We have many friends who help me when they can and I am glad they are there.

The bottome line though is that Harry doesn't want anyone else but me there. He oesn't want anyone to see him like this. Not his kids, not anyone else. Only me.

Maybe now the complexity of this all makes more sense, I don't know.

Therapy? I go every week and I even talk to her by email numerous times a week. She is a friend and she helps. She is a licensed therapist as well as having had her mother and younger sister die of cancer. She is all too familiar with this road. She is really one of the only reasons that I have managed to find a way to cope with any of this.

Antidepressants? I am having enough trouble trying to make sure that Harry gets all of his medications as well as reminding my son to take his ADHD meds every night. I suspect that a pill will not really help me to deal with those moments that are going to be difficult regardless.

All of your advice is right on point. I suspect that many of those things you all have said I would have offered as advice myself.

What helps me most here is that I am constantly reminded by those of you who have already walked this path, that this is temporary and we will move on. Having that is more valuable to us than anything else.

I tell him about you all everyday and I use your words and experiences to help push him through this. For that I am exceptionally grateful.

I can tell these things to my family but he will be embarassed and he would not want them to know. I also know that none of them would really understand. But you do and that is why I know I can come here and talk about these things and it is ok.

That is the best gift I have right now and I am so thankful you all are here.

Thanks!
Cindy

Cindy,
Don't you have some friends that can help take care of and feed the dogs. Could the vet give you some medicine to ease the dog's pain? I am afraid if you go ahead with this decision while Harry is in the hospital, he will never forgive you and worst yet go into an even deeper depression and totally lose his will to live. Why are your children not allowed near the dogs? I think you may need to rethink this decision for Harry's sake.

Eileen

Cindy: My brother is a lot like Harry - he didn't want people to see him while he was undergoing treatment. My sister-in-law had to schedule people, it certainly didn't occur to him to ask for help. These were people who would see him throw up, etc. He was amazed at her audacity and organizational skills. I am sure he would have said "No way!" but he didn't get that option and he expressed pleasure, later, at getting to spend time with old friends. Maybe for Tom it was easier because these were mostly male friends, but I don't know. It is hard. He wouldn't let me help or visit (we emailed a lot), so I do understand, and he would minimze everything ("Chemo is no big deal") but his wife told me she would answer any questions I had and tell me (and the rest of the family) the truth. H So, I do understand (kinda) what Harry is going thru emotionally. It is difficult to deal with that, especially when the burden falls on you. However, once again I will suggest that you need to tell people/ask people for help. The two daughter who are teachers for example. I am sure they have their own busy lives and like many teachers, look forward to the week off. Tough!! They should be involved and You should give them a chance by asking for help. Don't wait for people to ask if they can help, ASK for help. Even if they dislike you, they might say yes for other reasons. All they can say is "No." Please note I am not good at asking for help so I am speaking from experience!!

I am glad you have someone to talk to, a therapist plus this board. This is a very difficult time and you need all the support you can get. My heart goes out to you. - Candace

Dear Cindy

I'm sorry that you and Harry are having such a tough time with life at present. You are right, though, things will improve. Talk all you want here, I am thinking of you and send you love and light.

Helen

Eileen,

I have done everything I can to get someone to take the dogs. They cannot stay here any longer because he will place himself in unnecessary danger to do things for them. I am not sure that I can explain it in a way that makes sense to anyone. It is really one of those things you would have to see for yourself.

The reason that they are not allowed around my children is because one of them almost mamed my oldest for life. When he was in kindergarten, the dog bit him just below his eye. He still has a scar there and I swore that the only way to make sure that nothing ever happened again was to keep them completely separate.

As for the affect it will have on Harry..... they are dogs.. not people. It is not the dogs who answer the phone or come to the hospital to care for him.... They have lived very long and happy lives and it is time. Unfortunate that it has to happen now but it does and I will just have to deal with whatever consequences there are. I know in my heart it is right and if I am lucky, Harry will forgive me in time. If not then I will learn to live with it.

Candace.... I do quite often force him to do things he would rather not. We have had many fights about it. He does give in eventually and I suspect that one day he will recognize the importance of the decisions I have had to make.

As for his daughters.... I was very angry and it was my intention to tell them so but Harry begged me to let it go and I did for him.

There are times when forcing someone to act as they should naturally is necessary and other times when you just let it go.

What I do know is that those who allow their lives to keep them from doing the things most important will have enormous regret when there is no time left. And they will have to carry that burden on their own.

For now I am ok. Venting the other night was good for me. I have never experienced such emotions ever in my life. But I do bounce back and I never stop forging the forward path. What you read here Harry never sees and doesn't know. It is better that way for now. One day we will take the time to talk about all of this.... now is just not the time.

I appreciate your comments and I certainly understand all that you are feeling from reading these things. We are moving forward a day at a time and although I do not always deal with everything the way I ought to I am doing better than I ever thought that I would.

Thanks,
Cindy

On more thing I almost forgot to say....

We have 5 dogs, 3 cats, 2 kids and a partridge in a pear tree.

It is just more than I can do.

Cindy

Cindy, I cried when I read your posts and all I can think to tell you is... "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
You are doing all that you can and more that is humanly possible for Harry..now that you have earned superhuman powers, now what? Time to take care of yourself, and we know that you are most capable of that, being the caregiver that you are.
Best wishes for BOTH of you fully recovering soon.
Take good care, Maria

Hi Cindy,
I have two step children, Jason who is 20 and LeighAnn who is 21. They were 4 and 5 when I married their father and invaded their lives. To this day I have to take the initiative to push them to include themselves and to FEEL like a part of the family. They lived with us every other year (their mom lives minutes away from us and she and I became very good friends) and I did everything in my power to make sure they didn't feel like step children but I think they did. I also think they might have resented their father for remarrying even though it was obvious that they thought alot of me. Jason was a fixture in my hospital room and LeighAnn has me listed as her "hero" on her website. My long winded point being this....you may have to reach out to his children right now. They may not know how to offer their help. If I were there I would help you!
Minnie

Being a dog owner (I have 4 dogs) I am a little shocked over the tone of your posts. You're telling me that you can't find five minutes to throw a can of dog food into a bowl. And your attitude that "they are just dogs not people" -my dogs are like my kids! They were with me every minute when I was recovering and a great source of comfort to me. Yes people are important, and I have MANY in my support network, but the dogs love me unconditionally and I don't think I would have got through this without them. My vet and many others helped and gave me a break when I told them I had finanical problems - you have to lower your pride and ask. You can always get a muzzle for the dog that bites so at least they can spend some time with Harry (and how long ago was that anyway -kids that age are notoriously merciless about teasing and tormenting animals). I have to agree with the other posts that Harry will never forgive you. I'm surprised he lets you keep the dogs isolated in the yard.

It took the same amount time to write this post as it takes to feed my dogs. This sounds more like a time management issue.

The problem with venting so much detail on a public forum is that you expose yourself to criticism. Sorry if this sounds a little harsh. I am sure that I am not going to earn any points with the more compassionate posters here.