I have been absent for a few days and it is because things are the worst they have been yet.

I need to say this and it really requires no reply. I just need to let it out.

Harry is doing very badly. I have cried more tears today than any time before. It breaks my heart to see him this way.

He has become very anxious and the doc has added xanax to his drug regimen. He cannot be still. He is worrying about everything else like the trash needs to go out, the kids need socks and he thinks he needs to wash them, his mother sent us the most beautiful roses I have ever seen and he threw them away because they were making a mess on the table.

He is in the hospital this week to do his chemo #3. They haven't started the meds yet because he is in such a state and the docs wanted to make sure that he is ok first. He is on fall protection and he cannot be left alone for too long.

And then I got the call this morning from the nurse to tell me that he wet his bed last night. I can only imagine how badly his pride is working on this. He refuses to see anyone but me. I had to clean him up 4 times today and what hurt the most was when I had to make him let the nurses put a diaper on him.

He just laid there in the bed and I saw these faint tears fall from his eyes. I tried so damn hard not to cry and I told him to hold on that this part would be over soon.

It is the image that is stuck in my head now. I have to lift him and give him my arm to help him sit up and lie down. He has just simply quit trying.

I cannot tell people, particularly his mother, sisters, daughters,our sons, my mother any of these things because it will only hurt them and make their feelings of helplessness worse.

So I carry this alone and I am so sad and I cannot stop crying. I know that this is not forever but damn it sure feels like it is never going to end.

To make things worse, I have to have his 2 favorite dogs put to sleep on Friday and I can't tell him. I feel like I am making his life a living hell and all I do is hurt him. He didn't want the diaper... I made him do it and his dogs that he has had for 16 years....

The bittersweet part is that I brought home the infamous mask today and I signed the discharge papers... I hugged and thanked the world's greatest techs and nurses today and for a very small moment we celebrated.

I still cried the hour drive home and he has not called me at all tonight. I think that he is mad at me. I called the nurse earlier and she said he is up and down but they are doing everything they can to make him comfortable. I was so upset this afternoon that I took it out on the doc and the nurses and then I just fell apart in the hall and cried some more.

Tonight I am alone in our bed and I cannot stop the tears.

Oh how I wish that my best friend, my heart and soul were here to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok...........

Cindy

Cindy-
My heart goes out to you. You have a heavy burden on your shoulders right now. You need to open up and share some of it with your family and not try to carry it all yourself. This is the darkest time of treatment. It will and does get better. Just hang in there!! Beat a few pillows, yell and scream and just get it out. And know that we are all hanging in there with you. - Love, Kris

Cindy,

I have been wondering how you and Harry were doing...please be encouraged that this difficult time will pass and things will get better. You are bearing such a huge burden on your shoulders. I agree with Kris, try to open up to your family and/or friends to let them help you right now. You might be surprised, they would probably be happy to help. I know with my husband Ron's family, they would jump at the chance to help us. It made them feel better to know they were helping. Hang in there Cindy! You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

Shelley

Cindy,
It makes no sense for you to keep his condition from his family, they could be extra people that could stay with him at the hospital when you need to come home, etc. I didn't spend even one minute alone at the hospital as my whole family was involved in my care. If his family is to far away to be there in person they could at least offer him some emotional support. It sounds like he may need some emotional support as you are struggling to deal with your own feelings, how much can you have left to deal with how he is feeling.
I don't understand the diaper? He can't use a bedpan? Is he disoriented by meds? I had a reaction to the anti-nausea drug I was on and then stopped taking. It caused some withdrawal symptoms and I was very agitated and couldn't sit still for over a day. Has anyone looked into why he is behaving this way?
I hope it gets better for all of you soon.
Minnie

Cindy
I understand where you are , the worst thing in the world is to see a strong man cry because they are so weak. I also understand your not wanting anyone else to see him this way but , I think you have come to a point where you do not have an option. You need help.
We also had to resort to the diaper type thingy because of intractable nausea.. it was coming out both ends at once , absolutely soul destroying for him. We also had a pad to put in the bed in case of accidents, easliy whipped away, sometimes even before he was aware of what was happening.
Harry has obviously got some other problems also, medication reactions or something.
Cindy please reach out ...you need some help.
Marica

Cindy
Right if you were answering this for someone else what would you advise? Take that on board for you own answers, you know deep down what to do... I know it's hard but you are only one person, you cannot take on the world.. You have to let go a little, anyone who cannot deal with this you dont want with you, but most family are stronger than you think, let them in..
Tomorrow I go to my Dad's funeral, the whole family is pulling together. Let your family support you both, you can get through this, BUT IT WILL BE HARD.. I'm a full time care giver for my husband who is blind, has cardiac probems and is in remission from prostate cancer and then somewhere in this mess I get oral cancer. my next op is the 21st of April and like you I try to hold it altogether... WE CAN DO IT LADY..
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

Dear Cindy

You can vent all you want here because we understand and feel for you and Harry. Harry is being cared for in hospital but what about you? I suggest speaking with your doctor or close friend because you matter also. Tears are good so let them come.

As far as the dogs are concerned, I would want to know, sick or not. I would want some input into the decision after 16 yrs.

Love and best wishes to you both from Helen

Dear Cindy,

Sorry, but I just had to post again after reading what Helen wrote with respects to your 2 dogs. If they have been Harry's dogs for the past 16 year's, I agree with Helen, Harry should be part of the decision making if you have to put them both down. It seems strange that both of them would have to be put down at the same time, are they both that sick? I am a HUGE animal lover too, and if my husband put down one of my animals without telling me or letting me know what was going on, I would be REALLY UPSET. Does your Vet know what's going on in your lives right now? It seems like putting down 2 of Harry's favorite dogs at this point in time, would just be adding "salt to Harry's wounds", the timing is awful. Any chance it can wait??

Lots of hugs your way,

Shelley

Dear Cindy,
Oh, my goodness, I feel for you! Thank goodness it seems a lifetime ago that we were going through the horrors of the chemo/radiation fallout! The diaper thing was a necessary evil, and I think my husband has forgotten all about it; I actually had until your post. Harry must be having severe reactions to all the meds, and it is pretty obvious that the Xanax is a good addition to them. I never could get Tom to get on track with an anti-depressant, and truth be known, he really should be on one now. He currently has a nasty cold, and that has caused him to revert to the 'child' he was 3 months ago.
Cindy,
Cry all you need, but please listen to what others have said, too. You MUST let your family know that you need them - and so does Harry! His family also NEEDS to be there for him and for you. Think how you'd feel if no one clued you in to the needs a loved one had. And I agree, too, that you should not take on putting those beloved pets down without Harry's blessing. That will only weigh your heart down more than it is.
We love you, kiddo. It IS the hardest thing you'll do for a long, long time - and we all wish we could be at your side to help out. Give yourself a break; we'll support you all we can from here.
Prayers are being offered!
Nicki

Oh, Cindy, what a tough time! I am echoing the posts above:
1)You need to get family & friends to help. You cannot bear the burden of his care by yourself. Ask for help - your in-laws need to know what is going on and so does your family. People cannot help you if they don't know you need their help. My wonderful sister-in-law called my brother's friends, her friends & their neighbors and asked them to help take him to his chemo & radiation appts. These were men with their own businesses to run, lawyers, etc. They were VERY willing to take time out of their day to take him to the hospital. She named them "Team Tom" and it was wonderful for him to have other people helping out, spending time with him; especially old friends that he didn't see as much of as in previous years. It took a big burden off of her. You cannot help your husband when you are totally stressed out. Asking others for help will help you AND Harry and your boys.

2)Get some anti-depressants. You are obviously overwhelmed with grief & probably anger & many other emotions. Stress can lead to depression, which can lead to sleeplessness, anxiety, etc. There are new anti-depressants on the market that are so much better than a few years ago. Ask your primary doctor for help and see if he thinks anti-depressants can help. Anti-depressants will help with the emotional roller coaster.
3)If you can, see a therapist for counseling.
4)Talk to your children's school and let them know what is going on. They can help support your children emotionally.
I wish you Luck! Candace