Last Tuesday my father got the news that the chemo/radiation got the cancer. Yes, very good news.
Did my father act happy? No.
My father needs to get off of morphine. He is having muscle spasms when he lays in bed at night, to the point where he hauls off and hits himself, or my mother.
He is also suffering from severe hallucinations. He'll appear to be wide awake, but sitting there talking to his brother, or my boyfriend about things that have never even happened.
It scares my mother. She took care of her mother while she was losing her battle with Alzheimers..and watched her have hallucinations. And I think my mother is linking the two together.

My father has also taken up smoking again. I can't begin to explain to anyone how much this hurts me. And for so many different reasons. It scares me, because that increases his reoccurance rate. It angers me, because after all the help and support myself and the rest of our family has given him, by him smoking again that is a big slap to the face.
I smoke. I do. But I'm 19. I haven't been smoking for 20 years like he had.

Well, today I caught him sneaking a cig in on the back porch, and I lost it. I really did. I don't know how to emotionally handle him smoking.
He has this mindset, "If her and her mother still smoke, why can't I? "
He told me that he'd quit when I quit. And how do I know I don't have cancer already? Or my mother..

He's become belligerent.
He's pissed off at the world. He feels like he should be better by now, 100%, and it makes him so angry that he's not. Like the doctors are just lying to him..leading him on about getting better.

I don't know what to do. Sure, if I quit smoking it will benefit me. But not him, it will just make it harder for him to sneak around and smoke and not get caught.

I need my dad to get his health back. I need him to be the parent, instead of the other way around.

Amy, that is good news you got about your dad, that chemo/rad killed the cancer. I remember how good I felt when the news came back after my neck dissection that the biopsy on all of the nodes and tissue was negative, that all of the cancer cells had been killed by the chemo/rad.

If your dad is having problems with the morphine, perhaps another painkiller could be employed, such as oxycontin or some other med. One of the doctors can help if they know he is having problems.

As to your dad starting smoking again, that is just not a good thing. That will increase his chances of a recurrance by a huge degree. You can't make him stop, but pointing out the folly of smoking because your mom and you do may help. My wife and son still smoke and I haven't started again after 39 years of smoking. If I can do it, so can he.

Instead of angry, your dad should look on the bright side. He can get up each day and feel a desire for a cigarette. That's better than the alternative. There are many benefits to his being around for you and mom, if reminding him isn't the answer, perhaps some professional help for depression is in order. This disease can upset the future for the patient, so sometimes a little medical help is needed. Hope all goes well with you and family. Please keep us posted.

Yes you will have to be the parent. That is inevitable. And yes it would be a lot easier for him to quit smoking with NO other smokers in the house - it would benefit both of you (and your mother). You don't think that this can happen to you? Check out this site:

http://www.sptimes.com/News/61599/Floridian/He_wanted_you_to_know.shtml


He should be prescribed a muscle relaxer as spasms are well known with morphine treatment.

He may wish to try something else for long term pain management such as Duragesic or oxycontin. Some people act very strangely with morphine and some do not.

Ok, I didn't want to respond to this until some other people had. For starters, why is Dad still on pain killers? What pain is it killing where? My mouth was so sore after radiation it was 4 months before I could touch 1 cigarette a week, much less really smoke.

Now returning to smoking is a really dumb idea as I found out. After 6 months of being smoke free, I started with a cig a day and kept it to that pace. 4 years later, I had a new cancer, now of the voice box which caused me to become a total laryngectomee.

Your father may be viewing this smoking issue as he already has cancer so why not smoke. It is going to kill him anyway. Well, he got clean reports so he has a shot of making it, if he wants to. But I can tell you, that quitting smoking is 'pure hell', but quitting smoking when you have other smokers in the house is 'ABSOLUTE PURE HELL'. The smell will drive you nuts. I suggest all three of you pick a goal of someplace you would like to go, a cruise, a trip to Europe, or something you would like to buy, and quit together. Put the amount of money each of your would spend on the butts in a jar daily and go do something special. Those who cheat by 1 cig, have to pay a penalty fine of the price of two packs. It won't be fun having an entire household quit all at once, but walks around the block do help. Trust me, if I can quit it CAN be done.

You're only 19, but think of all the bucks you can save over the next 50 years by quitting NOW. And it may just get your Dad and Mom to quit also. It just might also save you going though this hell somtime down the road. The propensity to get this disease is hereditary.

Good Luck and take care,
Eileen

Hello Amy,

All of you should quiit smoking!!! It is one of the highest risk factors in getting this diease in the first place. His chances of a recurrance
is much higher to continue to smoke. Having other members of the household smoke will make it harder on him. Heed Gary's posting, It's not a pretty picture is it?

You are only 19 yars old, Smoking in a way is a kind of disrespect to your Father. Knowing what caused his cancer would wake up most people to it's dangers.
I'm sorry if I offended you but I needed to say what I said. I wish you and your family good health.

Danny Boy

Hi Amy,
several thoughts...
its not easy to go through this, as you know, and everyone - patient and caregivers have ups and downs in how they deal with this.

I'll echo the thought that YOU should quit smoking! Smoking IS addictive and a tough habit to break. Imagine if YOU have a tough time with quitting at age 19, how difficult it must be for your father who has smoked for so much longer. Also statistics do show that it makes a difference on long and how much people smoke.

It is hard to make others change their behavior, but you can work on your OWN habits. You take the lead and your dad or mom may be inspired and follow your lead.

They are the parents and you are a young adult. Families are about taking care when needed. It is a tough time for you, but your dad needs your support now. He has been through a lot - phsyically and mentally. Give him time to heal and try to be supportive, without being argumentive.

Support outside the house may also be a good idea. Do the doctors/hospital have a cancer support group? I found it helpful to see & hear others dealing with cancers. The one I went to was not just for head & neck cancers, but all sorts of cancers, but many of the things people were going through were similar. Also is there a stop smoking program he/you could do.

Many people here have found that antidepressants help with depression or anxiety related to the disease. Mention to the doctors the stress that your father, and the family are going through. Reconsideration of pain management does sound appropriate. Morphine does make many people have the negative side effects - I had strange dreams and never could sleep soundly.

good luck to you and your dad, its good news that the treatment seems to work! Hope the responses to you don't sound too severe - we want to try to help and we do know that this is a good place to vent!
Obviously you are doing this because you love him - let him know that.
Take care,
michelle

-sigh-
I know I have to quit smoking. I'm down to 1-2 cigarettes a day. It seems that just knowing I have one to smoke keeps me from actually smoking. I'll just keep putting it off, " I'll smoke it in a little bit, after this show, before I go to bed, when I get up in the morning "

I left little notes all over every makeshift ashtray I've seen my father use. He would fill up coffee cups with about an inch of water, and use those as ashtrays. On the notes I put "Smoking cigarettes after having cancer increases your reoccurance rate 50%"

Also, to answer the question about why he's still on pain medication..
His mouth is still horribly burned, and they say there isn't really anything the doctors can do but manage the pain.
The 17th my father is being admitted into the hospital to have his esophagaus stretched. He's hoping that this will allow him to get off of the feeding tube and eat normally again.

Thank you all for your support.

-Amy

Spoken like a true addict! "One is too many and 100 aren't enough."

You should all be holding hands in the local hospital smoking cessation clinic.

I'm not surprised he's still on pain meds. My throat was totally fried and my tongue severely blistered. I was on pain meds a couple of months post Tx. I hacked up blood and dead tissue for a long time.

In all fairness to him - this is a very tough time right now. This is the time that severe depression sets in. Belligerence and anger are manifestations of that. The family needs to speak with his doctor about that. "Distress management" is part of the cancer experience.

http://www.nccn.org/professionals/physician_gls/PDF/distress.pdf

I probably shouldn't even post this, but this thread won't let go of me. Nicotine addiction is incredibly strong. But I am not sure what to say to a family that continues to engage in the behavior that almost (and may still) kill one of its members. Both the caregivers in this situation, not only for their own health, but to show support for the patient need to quit. I see it in my presentations at schools... there is denial in young people that this will happen to them. Oral cancer is an abstract idea to them, and at their age they believe they are immortal. But when someone has direct contact with this disease and its deadly nature and still continues...this has to go beyond denial. There are Rx strength solutions to getting off of tobacco. I want to say something supporting and understanding here, but I am not feeling it. All I can think of is that everyone one of you needs to see someone professionally to get what you need to quit, a combination of Rx strength meds to deal with the addiction combined with counseling to develop the mindset necessary to do so. You need to get past rationalizations and take a serious look at the reality that has entered your life.

I wish I had a good answer to the morphine side effects. My brother went through the jerking too. He, too, would hit his head during violent jerks that increasingly occured during his sleep. We asked for different medication, but at the time the doctors didn't seem to be able to offer anything else. Thankfully, after his surgery he no longer needed the morphine and the jerking and hallucinations has stopped. (One quick funny...When he and his wife arrived in Houston the day prior to her surgery, he kept telling his wife to be careful because you didn't want to get arrested in Mexico. Fortunetly she was able to laugh at this.) I know it is stressful to watch him jerk and tremble and I feel for your mother and her concerns. I can't really offer any help, but just let her know they are not alone in this experience. Sometimes just that knowledge has helped me through the day.
My brother dipped snuff. My father still does. He continually tries to quit, but my mom and sister keep "catching him" taking a dip. He has seen what it has done to my brother and sometimes I actually think my dad is hoping he will get it too, a sort of punishment for introducing my brother to tobacco at a young age. I know he feels a lot of guilt for that. My sister is very angry and, rightly, feels my father is showing disrespect to my brother everytime he takes a dip. But bottom line, my father is 60 years old and it is time he take care of himself, just as your father should. We can only do so much. As for me, I am tired and my efforts are going to save my brother. If my father chooses to disrespect my brother and to the rest of the family as well that's his decision. We have our hands full and it is a selfish thing to give us (and you) more to worry about. I know my situation is not exactly like yours, because, in your case the cancer victim has resumed the habit, and I am the last person to tell someone what to do, but here I go anyway...Maybe if you showed your father you could quit he would be encouraged as well. I think if I were in his shoes and those around me continued to do the very thing that was killing me, I would be hurt and perhaps lash out as well. Also, second hand smoke cannot be that great for him either. I now addiction is a hard thing to face, but there are tougher things - just ask some of the people on this panel.
Best of luck and know we wish you strength and courage.
Tonya