Cindy
My hushand is blind, so when I became ill the whole perspective changed, I was the care giver and the receiver of care, crazy place to be.. still not resolved that one...
Sunshine...love and hugs
Helen

Hi Helen, That must have been hard for both of you. Does he have a dog? How are you feeling now?
Cathy

Cindy-
I'm so sorry you feel alone during the times you really need that hug or assurance that you ARE important and have a "purpose" in facilitating his treatment and recovery. It's a lonely place to be and please accept my heartfelt love and reassurance.

I used to look at Ed all withered and burned. I hated that I was so scared (absolutely terrified he'd see it) and hated it even more that I was so angry; looking back it was anger at the cancer for taking my husband (as I knew him) away. I felt if I didn't have a purpose or job I was worthless. I told Ed that if nothing else, please let me drive him to therapy. I HAD to do something. I don't know if he really wanted it because then HE wasn't fighting the cancer or it might get the best of him - but he let me anyway. Never missed but one radiation treatment and that was because he was having a temper tantrum and had a gentleman friend from church drive him. I was very blessed.

This sounds so sick, but I would have gone totally bug poop if we weren't constantly in crisis. It made me take my mind of the emotion and helped me focus on the mechanics of medicine designed to make him well in the long run. (I learned to access his mediport, dispense IV's, watch for signs, place Domeboro soak compresses on his radiation burns...) My once strapping energegic hubby was turning into a malnourished wisp of a man.

God forgive me and more importantly, I hope my kids will forgive me one day when I have the courage to ask. I couldn't take it out on Ed but my kids sure got the raw end of the deal for not reacting the way I thought they should.

Looking back, we do what we all need to do to survive the devistating effects of cancer. Physical and mental. Ed's sense of worth was down to nothing. He risked everything to do what he felt he needed to do. You know what it feels like when you think you're creating some magic environment to ensure your loved one's recovery (kept them away from germs, plenty of bed rest, cram those liquids down their throat/peg tube it they can use it) only to have them drive 50 miles each way to treatment (or like mine, mow the grass in 100 plus degrees with an IV strapped to his back in a backpack) because that's what they would have been doing if they were well.

It all messes with your head and your heart and when you just get used to realizing it isn't personal, something new happens at a different stage of treatment/wellness and it's all thrown off again and you spend more time trying to remember it's not personal all over again.

You're not selfish. You're a loving person. Don't let the feelings of guilt that you might have fun or relax while he's weathering the effects of chemo and radiation make you serve penance by thinking its selfish. You love your husband, he loves you (and I'm sure appreciates/knows how difficult it is for you to watch him drive off to treatment but lets him do it without too much fuss). It's okay. I tattled on my husband every chance I got. One day his doctor said, "Susan? So what if he gets an infection or dehydrates? You watch out for him after HE watches out for himself. If the cancer's going to kill him at least he knows he lived fighting it. Trust that he'll sense when enough is enough."

Hang in there. I will keep you uplifted in my prayers.

Oh my Susan, You said it all. Exactly what is happening. Harry got Neutropenic fever last week and his immune system took a vacation and he was in the hospital all last week. He was angry and all that jazz and it seemed that everytime I tried to say something to try to make him feel better I just got on his nerves.

He came home friday and has not been able to keep any fluids down. I took him to the hospital this afternoon and they gave him IV fluids and nausea meds. Then they let us come home and he is still vommiting.

Like you said, as soon as we got home friday he was doing the laundry, the dishes, up and down the stairs a hundred times, feeding the dogs, taking out the trash, etc, etc. It was maddening to me. I understand why he wants to do all of these things but I can also recognize that he is over doing it and it just makes me worry that much more.

Thankfully, the doc has put him on the pain patches so now I have a really good excuse to deny him driving privilages. He seems to have settled a little better on the idea of letting me take him and I think he recognizes that I can ask the right questions etc. I am also expecting to get an honorary pharmacists degree out of this.

I almost fell on the floor when, after I finished telling the doctor about all of the medications that Harry was taking, he turned to me and asked if I was a pharmacist. LOL

I said no I am actually a law student and he just looked at me and smiled. I think I scared him. :-)

I am trying to cope with everything and yes the mechanical day to day routine does wonders for helping to relieve the emotional burden on me. I just hope that this thing will end soon and we can get on with our lives.

We have so much more to do together.

Thanks for your words, they are very helpful and encouraging.

Cindy

Dear Cindy and other caregivers, this forum is so important!! My John came home from sugery determined to do what he wanted to do[with no understanding of his cancer- his attitude , since diagnosis, has been "do what you have to do and get it over with, I don't want to know about it" I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything I could find about it. And Hooray, I found this website. However, since I understood and took to heart the post surgery instructions, John and I have collided more times than I would like on how he is taking care of himself.I feel like a bouncing ball between witch of the west and loving wife. I guess we caregivers really need a place to vent. Amy

Cindy
It maybe the way your husband has decided to fight. I know I want to be strong and do everything I had done before. Also I wanted control, cancer takes so much, I wanted the control of my life.