I haven't been able to post, but I did get a chance to read all of yours. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much to have other family members, caregivers, and especially people with cancer give their support. I don't want to post some of the things that I post, but I have to. I can't imagine how hard it is for others to read some of this. I need for people to know. I need to share all of this because maybe there is information someone can take away with them that can help them or someone they know.
I just got home from Santa Barbara. I spent the night with my dad every night. I sat with him everyday. He smiled and winked when he could. I talked to him and he nodded. I had to stop his tube feedings because it was causing way too many problems. He was swelling. They couldn't lay him down because he might choke on something coming up. He got diabetes. His residule was always high. He wasn't using the food. The doctor explained that he actually didn't need as much food because he is not as active. The food was making him uncomfortable and sick. I still felt like I was starving him, eventhough I saw the swelling go down, saw his stomach go back to normal, saw the numbers go down. It was still very hard. He is still hanging on. He has his oxygen on his trach, he has his patches on, he is on decadron, ativan, some fluids fo hydration(not much), and dilaudid pump. They told me he would probably go on Saturday. It is Wednesday. I couldn't stop kissing him and telling him that I loved him. It is funny when you tell everyone that you are "ready". It is a lie. I am not ready. I wasn't ready when he first told me he had cancer. I AM READY for him to stop being in pain. I tell myself where he is going there is no cancer, no tumors or pain or confusion. It is a better place.
I have become so attached to his doctors and nurses and palitive care team. The hospital was going to move him the other day (I don't know why you would move someone in that condition with hours to live to have them be uncomfotable all over again in a new place????) to a hospice. I understand hospice. I like it a lot. But I couldn't do it. The hospital didn't need a bed or anything. AND he is getting hospice in the hospital. We couldn't be away from our "team". I love them for what they have done for my dad. How they have treated him will stay with me forever. He came out to California for a reason. I think they were waiting for him.
Well, I had to say goodbye. My dads sister and brother are with him, and will stay until he goes. He is in a coma like state. No pain. I am doing the rest of the stuff from home. Funeral agangements, etc.. I'd rather chew on glass.

Oh yeah, some interesting info-
I did find out that my dad has some viruses just from "living his life". You can have a virus panel done. They did one at Issel's Clinic. He tested positive for two different herpes viruses(there are 16! I didn't know that) and Epstein Bar Virus-from mono. Most people get exposed to this by the time they are 18 months of age. No big whoop. Right? Well this virus has been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Viruses can cause your cells to mutate. Dr. Kim from Issel's Clinic is writing a paper on viruses and cancer. I'll try to get more info. I don't know if there is great significance here with my dad, but I know that it doesn't help your immune system having these. You can restore your immune system. This is key in the fight against cancer. Creating an environment that cancer is not welcome in and/or doesn't thrive in.
When I'm back to my Google-happy self I have a mission. I hope everyone is well. Love always Karen and (Mr. David Allen Bullard) Dad

Dear Karen,
I admire your strength and pray that you are able to keep it up. My brother was in a coma for three days before he passed, no matter what you expect, how prepared you think you are -you are never quite really ready to say goodbye. I'm so happy that you were able to spend that special time with your dad while he was still awake and aware. I'm certain that it meant a lot to have you with him. My offer still holds, please feel free to call me, anytime. God Bless you all. Donna

Just love and hugs Karen--you so love your dad--I did mine too and as you say the 'expectation' doesn't help the reality--but 2 years on, can tell you that I treasure the 3 years I looked after him and the times I spent at his bedside and I'm certain he's in a place now where he's no longer suffering.
And well done for your attempts to help others--to take my mind off things, may look up my own 'herpes simplex' which has never gone away, as well as a bad bout of hep A in 1981. Gives me something else to focus on!
Stay strong and be proud of yourself for what you've done and the relationship you had--it will have meant a lot to him
Brenda

Karen,

It's hard for me to know what to say to you, other than keep posting here when you need to, as I think it's a way to say things that aren't always easy to talk about... I feel your pain, but you know that you did everything possible to help your Dad through this difficult and sad process. My father also died after a long illness, and I will never forget the times I spent with him, holding his hand, talking to him about wonderful things, and feeling so sad inside... No matter how much you try to prepare for it, you are never ready for that final departure...I pray that your father has a painfree and comfortable last few days.

Ginny

Hi Karen,

I have been struggling to find words to respond to your posting, and I am falling short.

I admire your spirit, your strength and your love for your dad.

I will include you, your dad and your family in our prayers.

Karen,

No words can express my sorrow for you and what you have been through but I'm sure your dad is is resting at peace now and I hope you will emerge through your pain unharmed. Continue to be strong.

Karen...I hope you are finding strength in the love and concern showered on you and your dad through this site. Please know that our hearts go out to you both, and we hope that you will continue to come here for the strength you'll need in the coming days and weeks.

Karen,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Dad. My father was diabetic and passed away 2 years ago from problems from it. It is hard to watch the one Strong man in your life become so weak.

Take care of yourself and know there is help here if needed.

Take care,
Diane

Karen, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. There is never a time to be ready... You have shown strenght and courage through out this ordeal. I noticed you said your dad had the Epstine barr virus. they found that in my husbands tumor on his neck and aked if he had ever been to South east Asia., He was in Vietnam for 14 months during the war. althought they say there is no connection to the cancer. I asked ,then why did you ask!>>> Interesting.... Prayers to you all. LJ>

Dear Karen, please know that many, many caregivers here are sending you the message "A Very Hard Job Well Done"! Going through this with someone you love is a true test of your spirit and strenght. The next months will be difficult for you, so please take care of yourself. Amy in the Ozarks

Dear Karen

I have been thinking about you . PLease know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your Dad. You are an amazing woman and your dad must be proud to have raised such a wonderful daughter, I am sending you (((HUGS))) from across the country !

Shar

Karen you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying for your father to have a peaceful journey as well. Lee

Karen,

I have been following your family's journey. It was with tears in my eyes that I read this post. Your Dad knows how much you care for him, and that you both put up a fierce battle. You did all that you could. We all share in your pain.

All the best,
Rob

I lost my Dad when he was 51 and i was 25.Not one day goes by when i dont think of him and miss him,but i promise the raw edges do soften with time

God Bless

Liz

Dear Karen
The good Lord gave me 10 years with my Mom from the time of diagnosis until she took her last breath with me holding her hand. Please take comfort that your Dad will definately be in a better place. Two days afer Mom passed, a white butterfly came from out of no where and landed gently on my arm. This continued yearly for quite some time. I smelled her "presence" for many years. You need to grieve. Please be consoled that although our earthly bodies get sick and die, the spirit lives on. You'll get to be with your Dad again someday..........
Am feeling your pain,
Sue

Karen: I wish there were words that I could say to help ease your pain. Realizing that there none, I will just say that you will be in my prayers. God bless you and keep you in his perfect care! Lois (North Carolina)

Karen,
I just read the post from Susan about the butterfly...gave me chills. After my brother Paul died, 1/99, that summer a beautiful yellow and ornage butterfly was always present. It used to fly around Jessie and always tickled her belly-Paul was always tickling Jessie's belly! It stayed around for a few years. I had forgotten that till I read Susan's post. I still feel Paul and my Aunt Lauren's presence all the time. It's comforting.
Hope you're doing well.