A few days ago a friend of my dads passed away from cancer, the funeral is tommorow. I keep thinking that could have been my mom. I keep thinking what would have happened if it had not been caught? If she hadn't had a good doctor that knew what he was doing? All the what ifs crowd into your mind and they begin to become scary, you know? What do you do with a pain that is so complete, but at the same time so abstaract that to confront it would be torture and to run would be the same. I do what I do best I hide the pain from others, while I fight my own battles alone. Isn't it funny how we all look out for others and forget about ourselves. We aren't supposed to let it get us down, right? Pain,anger,fear, I wonder who invented those words? Maybe they didn't know how to feel. I think that thing's can almost be more complicated when a word is put to explain a person's heart. I guess I just needed to say that, maybe we all need to say something sometimes even if it doesnt always make sense.

My life seems to consist only of pain and anger,my fear is for my future,without the giving and receiving of a love that only one person can provide.It sucks Dragon,but i am told it gets better.All i can say is Bring It On!!!
Soon would be good.

The what ifs are just the same if you are not so lucky as your Mum was,and yes they need confronting.Discovering how you do that is the hard part.Hopefully being part of this group eventually helps you to find the answers.

love liz

AAAHHHH, the "WHAT IF'S?"

Funny that I should read this post today. My friend looked at me the other day-not one of her better days-and said, "What if I do all of this and it doesn't work?".

I had no answer, because WHAT can you say. Sometimes when I look at her I have the same conversation in my head. What if it comes back, what if she can never do the things she loves to do again- she's a very active person-what if all of this doesn't work?? Will she accept the "new normal" whatever that may be? What choice is there? So if this goes on in my head imagine what goes on in hers.

The doctors have described a pretty rough road ahead for the next several months. And it is "painful" to hear, never mind live it. Sometimes I only share the positive things I read here, knowing she's not ready to hear the bad. Sometimes that makes me want to scream-I feel like I'm not being honest- but then, if she's really luck-she could have only few side effects. If I could only get myself to believe that.
And anger- there is always a little if that, isn't there? But I try to only give that a few minutes a day, otherwise I'm afraid I'll get stuck there!
To watch someone battle this disease is the hardest thing I've ever done. So hang in there Dragon, everyone here understands.
Liz

Dragon,
Pain, anger and fear...I lived in those emotions when I was going through my treatment. Not for me, but for my wife and 7 month old son. Then I decided that those emotions were normal and I would do my best to talk about them with the people around me and focus on the good things. Yeah...sounds great didn't work...so started talking to the hospital psychologist and psychiatrist. That helped me. I still visit them regularly.
We are all normal people and we are here because of a disease that we wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm glad I can post here. It helps me with my focus and occasionally I can help someone else or at least let them know someone is listening.
We all tend to try and help others and neglect ourselves and I believe we do this because it is easier when the problem is not ours.
As for recurrence, we all face that every day, not one day goes by where I don't think about it, but I could get hit by a bus too...I wouldn't have time to think about that.
Rambling here...I'm good at that.
Focus on the now, help those you can and take care of you.

Cheers,

Mike

Liz - I did not travel the same path you did - I still have my son, but watching him battle this disease is for me too, the very hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I cannot imagine the supreme strength and courage there is in you to have come thru and to still be going thru what you have had to do. The "what-ifs" are still with me and it's a struggle every day to keep them at bay. For every "what if the cancer comes back" I suppose one could substitute "what if it does NOT come back" but I don't llike that one either. It still has uncertainty connected to it. I try to force myself to stay in the present, the "now" and find whatever bright spot I can and I'm determined to really enjoy all the bright spots I can find. Maybe one day they will push the negative "what-ifs" out of the way and make room for the sunshine and lead to happier memories. Maybe I am still in "fight mode" but whenever those what-ifs try to attack, I fight back any way I can - deep breathing, exercise, hot bath, music, meditation - replacing the sad picture with a happy one or if the happy one won't come, then a blank slate will do . . . whatever works. I have to do this for my son - he tends to get down and is still fighting depression. I cannot bring him up all at once but one or two notches on the depression scale is progress. Sometimes I have to say, "Look, you are a survivor and don't you forget it!" I believe we will all get thru this with the help of everyone that understands and cares.

It's more scary to be afraid of the future because it's just that it's in front of you. You see it coming and sometimes that's all you can do is watch it in front of you. You know that it's going to rain and your bound to get wet but your still going to try to use the umbrella, Right? No matter how much we try to buffer are bodys from the rain we will still get wet, and it is just the same for our minds, we cant stop the mental downpour sometimes, no matter what we do. I guess I feel like I'm walking a rotting bridge in the rain. Thanks for letting me babble.
As always thank you for listing and posting your thoughts they always help. Best of wishes to all of you.

Dragon,
I've always found that the views from the rotting bridge are much more astonishing and spectacular than the views from the car window. Turn the wipers off get out of the car and grab your umbrella it's raining, we're gonna get wet but the view is worth every effort. We may slip, break a board or two, but I assure you when we get there it'll be worth it!! You just have to make sure every step counts. Knowing the future would be counterproductive and in my opinion much worse because then you would not enjoy the now nearly as much.
Hang in there my friend...keep to the edge where the boards are supported they usually break in the middle.

We'll be here to help you cross the bridges as they come.

Cheers,
Mike

all i can say its all very painful .. yesterday, today .. and for sure tomorrow

First of all Mike thank you so much for those words they mean so much. I know that the thing's in the future are harder to conquer but that right now in this moment we will only see the present. I guess everyone just has to look into the here and now no matter how much we want to rush forward and confront everything at once. Thank you so much for showing the here and now to me again. I hope that if you ever lose sight of the present you will remember those word's. for the last sentence of my blabbering I just want to say thank's again.
Dragon

Herson
Yes it is hard every minute of the day can be torture somtimes. But you need to remember that you have people that will always be there to take some of the pain for you. They love you and they want to help you. Ok I cant seem to write what I want to so I am going to end this message with a samll note. You are the pillar of stenrth to some and there are some that are there for you, remember to utlize these pillars so that you will remain one for those who need you. OK I am done blabbering
Dragon

Dragon,
No thanks required. You obviously understood my intent. I know it is not always as easy as a walk on a bridge, but the simple things that I could do no matter how much pain I felt or how tired I was always seemed to lighten my load as long as I was careful.
If you need a pillar to lean on you should know that I'm her for you.
Take care of you.

Mike

Mike
Thank you so much and I might just take you up on that pillar thing. A few day's after my dad's friend's funeral I found out that another friend of the famialy's daughter died. We have to go to the funeral tommorow. They don't know what she died of she just died in her sleep. which really scares me because it seem's so real and after my mom's surgery I remember thinking that could happen to her and now with this thing it bring's all the old fear back. I know I must sound like a complete baby but, I can't help it. I know that I should remember that this is not about me and I feel really bad everytime I think of me instead of someone else but we all do it dont we. I alway's go on and on sorry I guess I don't know when to stop thinking. :)Thank you so much for you'r caring responses and I am sure that your famialy appreicate your love even when you do the simple thing's i know I am really happy with the amount of love my mom puts in to everything espeically simple things.
Dragon

PS: I know I know I am running on

Dragon,
Feel free to run on and on. Sometimes putting your thoughts down in front of you so that you can see them will help you understand your emotions, pain, anger and fear. No matter how disjointed they seem keep doing it. It's a puzzle and the pieces will start to fit together. I a little farther ahead of you in my puzzle and don't mind helping you where some of the pieces fit in. I also learn from you.
Keep running on it is helpful and much better than letting all the thoughts spin around until your head is so full that you can't think.
Kepp it coming.
Take care my friend.
Mike

Mike
Thank you I guess I have been holding this kind of thing in for so long that now I find out that there was 900 peices missing out of a 1000piece puzzle (chuckle I like the metaphor). It is really hard to see the right place for a feeling/piece when all you see is the same color on every peice. But thank's to this site and the people on it I am starting to figure my black,white, and grey areas out. I am really happy to here that you can take something out of my experince as well. It make's me feel less like I am drolling on and more like I am sharing something with friend's, so Thank You very much. In a way there are too many peices that we don't understand alone so we all need somebody to show us the corner's every now and again. I will try to keep talking about things and not let them get so muddeled anymore.
as always thank's for the awesome reply.
sincerly,
A Very Gratful Dragon