Dear Marlene,

What a difficult situation you are in! My mother-in-law lost oxygen during hip replacement surgery and this greatly affected her memory (among other more serious things) and she could not hold it in her mind that she was not going to recover. When this was conveyed to her in various ways she was devastated and shocked and this happened nearly every day in some way or another. I sometimes felt as I was turning a knife in a wound as she could not hold onto this information and it was like seeing her distressed nearly every day. It reminded me of the Drew Barrymore movie called "50 first dates" but of course it was extremely painful for my husband and I and for the nursing staff. My mother-in-law eventually went under hospice care just over a year ago. We found them to be very helpful in consulting about when the time was right for her to enter hospice (in her case, she did not have cancer but lots of other problems due to complications for loss of oxygen during surgery so it was actually difficult to get her into hospice as it was difficult to ascertain that she was likely to have 6 months or less to live). Nevertheless, the work we did with the hospice staff was very helpful in both leading up to her actual care under them and in her care in her last months. It felt as if we were able to shift some of the burden of trying to make extremely difficult decisions to experts who cared about my mother-in-law but who also cared that my husband and I did not deplete ourselves in caring for her. Plus, her pain and discomfort was finally addressed in a compassinate manner. Please take care of yourself as you can't help your husband if you are feeling as if you are barely holding on. I sometimes find it difficult to take care of myself and feel pleasure or comfort when someone I love is so distressed.

Sophie

Dear Marlene, all the steps you've taken above are very good ones. And I know many caregivers here are thinking "Thank Heavens Marlene is getting some help!" Keep getting as much help as you can and include the kids as much as possible. The more personal contact they have with Alan's battle, the more it will strengthen them as adults. If you need a "kick in the pants" or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here as are many other caregivers who learned that we indeed could cope when we had to. Amy in the Ozarks

Hi peoples.
I phoned the Pallitive Care and asked for referal to a councilor today.
My daughter-in-law watched Alan so I got to go and deal with a client's payroll issues. She is going to watch Alan tomorrow AM as well.
Alan is angry tonight as he feels that Taylore threw aout his carefully prepared supper and cooked a totoally different mealwhile we were napping. He hadn't, she didn'tthrow anything out. She asked if she could cook and I gratefully accepted. I told him I said she could cook so he is angry with me.
Alan was a wonderful cook. I miss his meals. I hadn't cooked in almost 20 yrs when this started again. He took care of the household, I worked 60 hrs a week and rested otherwise. Relearning all the household stuff and takeing care of him has been an adventure. I knew I was spoiled rotten and I miss it. I guess the worst thing is I miss his personality that this Cancer is robbing from us.
He is still at 175 mmg fentanol patches and the hydromorphine breakthroughs are only three times a day. We are blessed.
Hugs to everyone. Marlene

Morning to all:
I just realized that I should move this over to a blog. I am naming it Alan's Journey. I figure that is where this belongs.
Hugs Marlene

Marlene: I have no words that will comfort you during this most difficult time. Just know that you, Alan and your family are in our daily prayers. I envy your strength! You are certainly an encouragement to all of us...

Lois & Buzz in NC

Marlene,

I wish I could be there to help you. You, Alan and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please know that I luv you all and admire your strength in dealing with this.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, please call me

Wendy