Michelle,
all you can do at this point is to make God the most important person in your life and let Him empower you and Marcy to get through this.

I had the exact same problem with my fiance when my Dad was dying. Needless to say we are not together anymore (we broke up because of it). Maybe it's a sign. How would he react if it was you in that situation? Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to live life on lifes terms.
Doctors can't write hospice orders unless a person has less than 6 months to live. It's a small chunk out of his life but a big part of yours.

It sounds like Marcy is being very graceful through all of this. She is also showing great courage to stay in the fight.

You and Marcy remain in my prayers...

Michelle,

From your description of Marcy's swelling and lymphatic system not working properly, you should be prepared for fistulas to develop, if they haven't already. Being eaten alive by the cancer sounds terrible, but it is an apt description.

You asked how you move on after losing someone so dear to you. Well, it isn't easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but the pain will ease eventually. I don't think you ever completely "move on", because Marcy will always be a part of you. Everyone reacts differently, but I can tell you that I do have some days now where I can actually get through an entire day without crying. On the other hand, I have days, usually several in a row, where it still hits me hard and I cry off and on all day. There are many days where I feel almost normal, though. I find I can laugh again and find joy in things. For awhile, I thought I would never laugh or smile again.

The unfairness of it still weighs on me. It is especially hard because Heather had a child, as Marcy does. People say that is good, because I still have a part of Heather in Cati and that is true to a certain extent. But it also makes it harder in some ways. Knowing that Cati needs me, though, has kept me from withdrawing from life. Without her, I don't think I would be as far along in the healing process. Not that I'm that far along yet, but I think it would be worse if I didn't have Cati to care for. One thing that is a blessing is that Cati has a great relationship with her father. She still stays with me sometimes, but I can see that she needs me less and less because their love for each other is very strong. He is a wonderful dad and I think he is handling his role as a single parent very well. That is truly a blessing.

There are many more things I would like to say, but I think I've said enough for now. I might post more later. As always, feel free to e-mail me if you'd like.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie

Dear Michelle,

Bless your heart....I know exactly what you are feeling. My husband is in remission from throat cancer, but I lost my Mom in a span of 12 days to liver/pancreatic cancer.

Cancer is, unfortunately, exactly what you are experiencing. It's a HORRIBLE disease that literally eats the life out of it's victims. For the most part, they are vibrant, loving, beautiful people who suddenly discover they are losing to an enemy that they never saw coming.

Yes...........none of us are perfect. Maybe we smoked...maybe we drank wine with dinner....but none of us thought an out of control bastard mutation was going to dictate our destiny.

And, most importantly, nobody ever taught us how to say good-bye to the people we love most when the monster wins.

It's hard baby. I won't pretend that it's easier than it is. But, you have to be strong. Your sister needs to feel your strength now, so she can let go. In saying good-bye to Mama, just recalling the fun times seemed to make her the happiest.

Jobs come and go..........shit! We need to realize that nothing matters but love!

When did somebody declare that a piece of green paper was more important? And if your employer can't see the importance of you being by her bedside, than I'm sure all of us can send a letter of protest.

Be there honey.........she needs you.

Love,
Mandi

Michelle..........Your employer is requried by law to give you time off when a family member is ill or terminal. Not sure if they are requrired to keep the exact position for which you were hired but they have to keep a position open for you. I think its call The Family Act law...or something like that.

My thoughts are with you during this most difficult time. You are doing the right thing by being there with your sister. Let the hospice team help you, help your sister....and let them help you in the process. They are a godsend!

Hang tight!

Mandi and Donna,

Thanks! I wanted to tell Michelle to not go back to work, but wasn't sure how to suggest it tactfully. After all, even though being there for Marcy is important, one still has to eat and pay the bills. You both gave her great advice.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie

Well I am at work and on my lunch hour..
I think I needed to come back just for awhile. I feel like I am really dying. I had to try and come back for awhile or I was afraid I would never beable too. I will still see my dear, beautiful sister everyday. When the time comes that I do lose her I am afraid for my life as I do not see getting through this. The pain will be too damn great........Thank you all for writing back to me.
Believe it or not we cannot use family leave here for a sister. I was on medical leave, depression..
Michelle

Hi Michelle,
I've thought of you and Mandi for several months (I am also named Michelle, so it easy to remember you!). Like others on this board, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

It is not fair that your sister has this cancer. As a mom and sister myself I feel your pain, although I cannot begin to understand the full extent that you are enduring.

When my grandfather died 2 years ago, I was there. It felt hard to know what to do to help. I would ask if he wanted a sip of water or some other physical comfort, but I felt like I couldn't help. I felt I didn't know what to say. His death was awful for the family. But I afterwards found peace in the fact that I was there, and was amazed at the emotional healing that came just from holding his hand and being by his bedside.

When you know someone so well they stay with you even though their phsyical body is gone. You have conversations with them, remember them when you see certain spots and locations. The pain is great at the time of death, but the grief seems to lessen and is replaced with fond memories. Their love continues on.

I also feel bad comparing the death of my grandfather, who lived a long noble life, with your pain of seeing your sister taken away so young. I don't want to diminish your pain but to offer some encouragement, that even though now it may not feeling as though you are doing much, that you are indeed doing a wonderful job as a sister. Later, there will be comfort and healing.

God bless,
michelle s

Dear Michelle,

From one sister in need to the other, thank you for your thoughts. Those are what get us through.

Love,
Mandi
(aka Michelle)