Hi all,

It is very nearly three years now since my cancer "thing" started. I consider myself blessed by the people here. The extremes of emotion, the love of fellow humans, and most of all the sharing of life. It has contributed to my understanding of why we are here. I am most intrigued by the recent posts about anger. I find anger is perhaps the most usless emotion besides worry. Not that I don't understand being angry, but that we still hold on to it? we can go about life with a "why me" chip on our sholder but we miss the value in what is going on.

Several years ago there was a story in our newspaper about a local woman in the last stages of breast cancer. Her picture was that of a thin, weary patient, Her head wrapped in a scarf. She was sitting in her back yard for the interview and only had a month or two left. When the reporter asked her how she felt about what life dealt her at her 50 or so years, Se said "life would be incredibly boring if we all KNEW we would live to 90 and then just drop". We would miss out on the color and texture of life. We would miss out on the chance to say the things we say to loved ones. She didn't have any anger about what was happening to her.

I wish I had saved that story. I didn't know about my cancer at the time I read it, but I thought about her wisdom and her sense of what life is. What she said was brilliant and it has helped me many a time during the last 36 months. The tragic things that happen to us are the glue that keeps us humans together. Sad sometimes? Yes. I happen to think that crying is incredibly healthy. Much much better than anger.

When we angry we give the other person, institution or circumstance total control over ourselves. Anger is usually a sign that something is broken and needs fixing. This not to be confused with "righteous" anger like anger over social injustice, the holocaust, etc.

Anger and it's close cousin, resentment, are the basis of all forms of spiritual disease.

I could have been angry with the doctors who missed the Dx but after all it wasn't them that gave me cancer. I also could have not put off the referal with the ENT as long as I did.

(Doctor) Paul O. once said that " Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens by mistake in God's world."

Many of you have noticed that I have been off the boards for a while. Events in my olife continue to shape me, and have taken me away from my daily discourse here to something more introspective. I see that the boards have been in good hands, as the regulars who return to answer and inspire have stayed the course of trying to help others. I find this posting thread curious at this juncture of things, and I know not what started this dialog, but it is certainly a worthwhile one. As many of you know my religious beliefs are something that I share little with others, though I often comment that I am a spiritual person. I once heard a person say that, as the imperfect beings we all are, "God" uses pain, suffering and the like to enlighten us and finally shape us into what we surely must become to be whole and complete. I think the phrase was something like.. His painful blows like a sculptor shaping a form from raw stone, temper us, test us, and force us to evolve emotionally and spiritually. If you are not religious take the word God out of the analogy

Quite the Philosophers Corner we have going.

These paragraphs are outstanding!

"Could it be that our purpose cannot be realized until we are that shaped by blows, tempered by pain, individuals who finally in the end * understand our interconnectedness to all that is around us? That those sufferings we rail at with anger, are a universal human experience, a commonality that binds us all. Several years now I have listened to the voices on this board, visited friends in the last months of their lives, been uplifted by successes against the disease, and I am never less than amazed at the difference that is exhibited by those who have put their necessary initial anger in its place, and have replaced it with something more enlightened than those that continue to rage against the wind".

The only thing I would add (if I may be so bold) to the above are the words "and new beginning," where I put the asterisk.

I really like this part also:

"To then put it in perspective, and while trying to free myself from rationalizations, and blame, see anger as both a tool and a lesson. And then the most difficult part, to not let it be pointed at others, or things that I cannot change".


Anger is good for starting wars and arguements but when has it ever ended either? I find I am able to agree that anger is a part of our lives but when you look at this last couple of sentences, it's there, right there! "a tool and a lesson", and "not pointed at others". Once you realize those points, it ceases to be anger! you have mastered it.

I am going to do what I have so far not done here at OCF, quote from the Bible: Jesus, in Mark 12:31 and whether you believe in Jesus as God or not, this quote should still have much value: First Corinthians 13: 4-13, describing Love. Most of us have heard these words at weddings, but they are important in the broader meaning of life. They certainly apply here as we all come together to help strangers and friends alike. (I respectfully submit that my intent here is not to preach or convert anyone, I understand there are people here of many faiths)

To me, anger evolves from negative. It has cousins, Hate which is more easily recognized, Envy, Greed and Blame. Unless we master these, they will block Peace, Love, Joy, Hope and Charity

Someone told me something, as I began my cancer journey, that was surprising. He said "there will be people, and things will be there for you whenever you need them". This proved to be true beyond belief! I could write chapters about the things that happened and the people, complete strangers, that would pop into my life! each with just the right answer or the missing piece of a puzzle. It continues today.

Thank you

Mark, I think the type of anger Brian and others are talking about is different from what you are.I have lost many loved ones over the years and after grief comes anger, it is part of the healing process. After my first cancer operation when I got angry my husband smiled, he said he knew I would be ok then.I will have my 11 operation on 2/23, I do not want to get on the table again, but I get angry at myself and say" You wimp, your cancer free now and want to look normal and this is how you do it!" Getting angry and being bullheaded has gotten me thru 3 years and 4 months of medical hell. It is a personal anger that I put to good use.I think this is more what everyone is talking about.

Hello All,

I had some anger when I was DX in July. After my primary care missed it the first two times I went to see her for a sore throat. I was angry I might not ever live to see my grandchildren or retire with my wife of 32 years. I think it was normal to have this.

After joining this forum and ecucating mysefy with the help of so many members it's hard to think of all of them right now.

This experience has changed me a great deal for the better. I look at my fellow man (woman) in a different light. I know I am a much more compassionit man. I really value my relatives and friends including all my new friends on the OCF board. I also tell my wife and kids "I love you" every time we part. I joined the Church my wife was a member of for several years but I never had the time. I now make the time. I can tell you that channeling the anger and negative feelings into positive things is a lot easier than carrying the baggage of anger. Well this is all for now. Best wishes to all my friends.
Thanks for an insightful post.

Your Friend, Daniel

Funny, I have been easy to anger my whole life. I can get angry in traffic, or impatient with a waiter, etc. or someone who treats me disrespectfully. However since my diagnosis I rarely get angry anymore. I never once asked
" why me?" or got angry that I had been stricken with this cursed disease. If anything, getting sick, and now getting well, has made me more mellow and accepting of people in general.
Has it changed me into a Pollyanna who appreciates every person and every flower and every moment? No, I am still me, but with a different perspective and a lot better understanding of and compassion for human suffering and sickness than I had before.

Someone asked me how I was doing. I replied that I know that I am a lot better because I am back to insulting/teasing people in the elevator at the courthouse again.

I still have my edge, but it is definitely not as jagged as it once was. There are not a lot of good things about getting oral cancer, but the dissipation of anger is one of them.

Danny G.

Clearly Mark, Danny, and Daniel have experienced what I was referring to which I found in my own experiences. I think that it is part of a growth process, and their comments and new, enlightened perspectives reinforce the point. Unfortunately not everyone finds this path. I weekly get email from frustrated, angry people that want specific answers to unanswerable questions. Some of these people are years out from their brush with infinity. I think that you have to find and choose this new perspective, it doesn't choose you.

Hey this is interesting to me. These are subjects I would not dared to discuss before cancer.

gnelson, I appreciate your comment because we all interpret these feelings differently. I agree with your suggestion that you see "anger" in a different context. (perfectly OK) there are many emotions and the borders between are not always sharply defined. On top of that, the definition of one feeling has perspective only because of a relationship to it's opposite. In other words, if you never knew love how would you define hate?

What prompted my first post in this thread, was Rosie's comment in a different post about feeling anger even towards other survivors because they survive! THINKING that is fairly understandable given what happened to Heather. SAYING that in the midst of us in my opinion took a lot of courage and struck me. It caused me to think out loud: I don't have anger about this disease or what has happened to me. Why do others have much anger and should we talk about it so to help them heal?

Rosie, I have to pause here and tell you that Heather's last days caused me a great deal of pain, profound feelings that I am probably not over yet. If you look back at that time here at OCF, you will see I didn't hardly write a thing. I couldn't find a voice or words. So when I use your name in my example above, please believe it is not a judgement at all.

My interest here is in exploring feelings and to perhaps demonstrate to others that their own range of feelings are "normal". (Believe me no one would have heard me say "explore feelings" before 3 years ago!) My comments about anger, are so that folks might see a diferent path to more positive thinking. Anger seems to be a common emotion in serious disease, I wonder why everyone doesn't have it? I am happy and really intrigued by the other posts in this thread too. It shows deep thinking. I happen to believe that deep thinking is a very good thing.

Mark, Gary & all,

I have started to post a reply several times now and keep aborting. I just can't seem to find the right words to say all that I'm feeling about this issue of anger. I do feel that anger is a natural part of the grieving process, but I'm not planning on being angry forever. I'm just not quite ready to give it up yet. I do owe everyone an apology, though. In re-reading my original post, you know............the one with the thoughtless comment that started this whole topic!...........I realized my wording was poor. I am not angry at the people that have survived. I am angry at the circumstances that have allowed them to survive while not allowing Heather that same opportunity. Some of you may think there is a fine distinction there, but I think it is healthier to be angry at a thing rather than a person.

These are just a couple of the things that I am angry about. I am angry with the doctors who didn't have the sense to order a complete battery of tests. Heather's tumor didn't show up on a CT scan just weeks before she had the biopsy. Is it so unreasonable to think the doctors should have known to do an MRI? They started treatment without knowing the full extent of the cancer. That was stupid and it makes me angry.

Gary, maybe you and many others can take some of the blame for your late diagnoses because of delaying your referrals, etc., but Heather didn't delay anything. Well, actually, she did delay going to the doctor for a few weeks when she first had the ear pain and sore throat, but she didn't have the traditional warning signs and she only delayed for weeks, not months. She had no lumps, bumps, red/white patches, sore spots in her mouth.......just pain. How often have you told someone that if it's painful, it probably isn't cancer? Well, guess what? Of course, the doctors assumed the same as you. A young, non-smoking woman with pain her only symptom.........cancer never entered their minds. It was carotid artery syndrome or TMJ or stress or all in her mind!!! Angry? You bet I'm angry! She had no chance of surviving this. The cards were stacked against her right from the start.

I could go on and on, but there's really no point. I will let go of my anger in due time. Hopefully, I can do as Brian did and turn my anger into something positive. Truth be told, I would love to write a book about Heather's ordeal, not only as a memorial to her, but also with the hope that it might help save lives. Unfortunately, even though I am fairly proficient in grammar and did well enough in English class to garner the senior class English award, I have never written anything for publication and am not sure I would even know where to start. And high school English class was eons ago!

I'm glad some of you harbor no anger. Mystified, but glad for you, because I know anger can be very destructive. I don't plan on harboring mine long enough for it to do so, but I do feel my anger is justified. And it was a little bit offensive to read the first comments here. It sounded like you thought I shouldn't be angry. Actually, the first few replies that I started but didn't finish were pretty scathing. I really felt you were making a judgement call that I didn't feel you had the right to make. After all, you are still here and Heather is not. Who are you to tell me I don't have the right to be angry? Of course, that isn't quite what you were saying, but that was my first impression. I'm glad I didn't post what I first wrote, but I did feel the need to defend my anger. Pretty silly maybe, but nonetheless, that's how I feel. But let me reiterate. I am not angry with you survivors. I truly am not. It was just a very poor choice of words. And I wish you all the best. I hope your remissions are permanent. And I hope this "orphan" cancer soon gets the recognition it needs in order to get better treatment. No person should have to suffer the agonies Heather did.

Rosie