I thank all of you for your help. Danny Boy, you know I love you too! And Dee, you are my sis! Love runs deeper here than in my "real" world. I don't know what I would do without you two, especially....and really don't want to even think about it.

You've all inspired me so much. I know this is going to be hard. I have to walk out on the only man I've ever loved.........but, if I can't get anything positive for the boys in return, than I've lost it all. It's way beyond me, and my feelings. Now he's messing with the children.

We will be going to North Carolina the week following Christmas to visit his sister, oldest son, Mother etc. I've already given them the low-down on his condition and they have agreed to confront him while I take the kids to a friend's house a couple of hours away for a night or two. I have to say that this is his final chance at entering rehab on his own. From the preliminary information that I have, this is the only choice that I have in Maryland. Yes, I can call the cops, and they will take him away for a "cooling-off" period, but unless he physically hurts me or the boys, there is nothing I can do, but leave, and tell the judge that I didn't desert him, but rather left because I was in "fear" of being hurt. If I don't follow the protocal to the letter, he can fight me for my boys. And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING will take my babies from me.

God bless you all, and if I can't post between now and then, please know that your positive feedback has given me the strength to do what has to be done.

We won't go hungry.....we will work through this one way or another.

Mandi

Mandi,

Many have offered you sound advice here. I can't add anything to that. The reality is that right now there isn't much you can do for your husband. You can, however, do alot for your sons. I would encourage you to consider what would be best for them and what can you do for them. Alanon may or may not be the right answer but those involved may have a better sense of where you can go to look for it.

I have always been amazed at the strength a mom has when it comes to her children. The road ahead is a difficult one. I know that, because you walk it with and for your children, you will be able to. I have no answers for you. I can offer you my prayers; for your husband to find the healing he needs, for you to have the strength you need and to find the direction that would be best for you, for your boys that they will know the love you have for them and with that be able to grow into good men, and for all of you as a family to once again have the joy found in a healthy family.

Peace,

Fr. Mike

Hi Mandi
Well this might not be what you want to hear, but been there, done it, read the book, GOT THE TEE-SHIRT, forget for the moment all your feelings for your husband, and all the good things that have been, and ASK YOURSELF what do you want now at this moment in time? Don't say that is selfish, it's not, as my friend says, "This is not a rehearsal, GET REAL, this is your life." Don't blow it girl! Put some space in your life, get back in the driving seat, if I sound hard believe me I'm not, I haven't found the courage to walk yet but I haven't got kids...
My prayers, my love and all my hugs across the water to you and your family.
Helen

HI Mandi, Newer member here but wanted to add my 2 cents. You've gotten excellent advise. You can't make him stop drinking/smoking. He is the only one that can do that. I'm married to a former alcoholic/drinker who DID quit after 40+ years. Yes we had discussed it but nothing ever happened. It had to be his decision and when it the time was right for him, he did it.

Think Ann Landers or Dear Abby (one of them said it), are you happier with him in or out of your life? Yes it may be hard for you and the kids but it sounds like the kids are already paying for it...living with an alcoholic who "blows up" is no picnic. You all deserve better....

Mandi,
I have waited to reply on this one as it brought back some pretty intense memories of childhood. My father was and still is an alcoholic. He loved his kids and family but loved the alcohol and himself much more. He could never give it up for more then a few months. When my brother and I were 15 and 17 we told our mother that if she didn't leave him then we were going to live with our granparents in Conn., that we just couldn't take it any longer. We used to hide in closets, go to motels, etc., we did it all. Mom finally choose us over our father and she never looked back. It made life better for my younger brother and sister and my last two years of high school much more enjoyable. One thing I have never been able to get past is the question of why my mother didn't take us out of such an unhealthy environment earlier. I respect and love my mother to much to ever ask her this question, she suffered enough, but listening to the advice you're being given on this board may help you avoid some of this "baggage" for your sons. I am 42 and the pain of living with my alcoholic father is as strong today as it was when I was young.
Hope this helps some.
Minnie

Thank you Minnie for telling your experience. I can imagine how hard it was to recall.

Being on this end, and seeing how your mother didn't act sooner, I can only tell you my side of reasoning for that.

I have kicked Dennis out, and I've moved out. Each time he sobered up and I glimpsed the man that I fell in love with. Don't get me wrong.....I know how "Jerry Springer" that sounds, but he is a wonderful man, with an awful ailment. He has a heart of gold, that is eaten up with the alcohol. This man literally sent my girlfriend $500 for her children's Christmas, because he thought they would do without, because she is in the midst of a horrible divorce.

As your Mother probably felt, there are the oaths of marriage that you hold sacred, and the hope of a normal life that you get to see every now and then, when the spouse responds in a normal way.

Please, PLEASE, don't think I'm preaching. I'm still trying to figure where we went wrong, and WHY?

I'm coming to the conclusion that alcoholism is as bad a disease as cancer. Only alcoholism makes you feel better in the process of dying.

Love,
Mandi

Hi Mandi,
Please believe that I wasn't trying to judge you on this, sorry if I came across that way. Put in the same position, with how much I love my husband, I don't know that I could leave him either.
I'm very sure that my mom stayed with my dad out of love, she always said he was the only man she ever loved and I believe she still is in love with him and they are both in their 60's now. Although she and I have not discussed it, I know she feels guilty for keeping us there so long so I never ask her about it. She was a fantastic mother and I believe she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I have a feeling that is your case also, that you are doing your best. And your boys know that. Take care Mandi.
Minnie

No, Minnie, I didn't think you were judging at all. Before this happened to my husband, I used to look at women (and men) and wonder what in the world was the matter with them for being so weak? Maybe, that's the lesson I was supposed to learn from all this. Spouses of alcoholics are not weak.........most often they are the stronger of the two, but feeling responsible for everything, can sometimes leave you so confused and tired, that you idle, instead of run.

Love,
Mandi

Love,
Mandi

I bet it is overwhelming trying to deal with his behavior and alcoholism on top of cancer and all that can take out of the patient AND the caregiver. Maybe a shock is what he needs, sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until we don't have it any longer. Maybe some time without you and the boys would make him come around. It also might make him think more about his health and stop the smoking and drinking. I wish I had some brilliant advice for you, I can't imagine dealing with all this on top of cancer. Take care,
Minnie

Mandi,
All of us who have quit drinking have hit a bottom (or at least what we perceived as a bottom) and that was the first step towards recovery. We had to come to a point where we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol.

What you have done is very courageous and difficult. Rescuing and enabling are far easier paths to take but rarely produce positive results. The path you have taken is his best chance at survival. Do not accept any hollow promises for change. Let him demonstrate his committment to recovery on his own before reconciling. We alcoholics are charming and very adept at talking our way in and out of situations. For AA to work there are a few principles that we have to follow. The first are that we have to be honest, open minded and willing (HOW). We have to go to meetings, work the (12) steps, read the Big Book and be accountable to a sponsor (another alcoholic of the same sex with 12 step experience). Professional counseling wouldn't hurt either as alcoholism is merely a symptom of the real disease which is buried deep in the core of the person. It is a LIFE LONG PROCESS.


Your remark about being the (over) responsible one is a common "long suffering spouse" comment. Being over responsible can lead to a lot of resentment as I am sure you are feeling. Add this to the grief you must be feeling about the loss of your previous life, in spite of how imperfect it was, and that is too big of a burden for one person to bear. That is why I beg you to find a support group that you are comfortable with. Many others have been on the same path as you, just as we cancer patients and caregivers find strength just knowing we are not alone through OCF, so you will find comfort in knowing the you are not alone in dealing with a sick spouse. Community is a tremendous asset. Have you been to an Alanon meeting yet?

Your comparison of alcoholism and cancer are right on. They are both diseases that can lead to death (or at very least to make life unmanageable). I have had much time to reflect on my cancer and it is a lot like alcoholism in that I will always be a cancer survivor (or whatever you want to call it) as much as I will always be a (recovering) alcoholic. I am so grateful that AA gave me the tools to get through this cancer business without having to drink, abuse prescription pain meds or have a major pity or fear party.

I don't think that alcohol will make you feel better though, it only serves to mask the pain or stop the voices inside our heads. People who "feel good" through the use of alcohol are the "normal" ones -we don't have that luxury.