Diane, I understand completely. I think from the moment we first hear the word "cancer" - our instincts direct us to the negative, and the thought of it being a "losing battle" always rears it's ugly head. But since your husband is determined to forge ahead in this battle - that should give you the strength and motivation you need to continue on with hope in your heart. In spite of all the terrible aspects of cancer - I still believe there is always hope. And as hard as it is sometimes to go through this as a caregiver - I know I would never give up - as long as my husband is willing to fight this battle - I am too. It's ironic as my husband has mentioned - that he survived Viet Nam as a young soldier back in the late '60's - been shot and wounded, had tropical sprue, malaria and to this date other health issues including PTSD...only to have to wage a battle that is going on in his own body. But anyway, I just wanted to say...be strong, and hang in there...you're not alone and neither is your husband. Take care.

Thank you all! You have no idea how hearing from you has made a difference in my outlook. I was starting to think I was a monster.

My husband has stage III left tonsillar and base of tongue cancer. Only 8 weeks out of RAD and chemo (no dissection) we found a spot on his right lung that was suspicious. There was no easy way to biopsy, so a lobectomy was performed.

It has totally taken the fight out of him. After braving the prior treatments without using his PEG once, the second occurance was too much.
I've seen him endure the lung surgery (with a benign result) only to develope a resigned attitude. When we should be celebrating the good news, he is depressed beyond words and refuses to eat. I know it is part depression, part anger.....part pity. I just want to shake him and love him to death at the same time.

That, coupled with the care of two boys (9 and 12) were about to get the best of me. Thank God that I found all of you. You give me hope for a better day.

I will definitely look into a support group. I guess I always knew they were there, but "I could handle it".

Love to all,
Mandi

Hi Mandi,
There were some really bad days that I thought about giving up and then the next day I somehow pulled through it. I found myself on my knees a lot and without God's help, I didn't have the strength - but his strength is perfect. My faith got me through some very hard times.
Just because you lose an occasional battle doesn't mean you have to lose the war. I just finished reading Lance Armstrong's book and he had cancer in three places at the same time, not only lived to tell, but won the Tour de France 4 times afterward! I too have bounced back and forth between depression and self pity. I would talk to the oncologist (or whoever coordinated his meds)and see if there is something that will help - even counseling. This is a very humbling disease. Since our spouses are "mirrors" of us in many ways, this may help to explain your confusion and depression also. I will probably start cognitive therapy pretty soon myself (at my wife's urging).

Mandi, you are NOT the monster! This disease is the monster. You are a devoted, loving, caring wife and mother. Your strength, support and courage will help your husband in ways you may not even realize. I have heard it's true that many cancer patients experience depression - and this is something to definitely discuss with the doctors. There is treatment and help for that. A family's world is turned upside down with this diagnosis - and there is so much to absorb with all the questions and answers, treatments, side-effects, follow-up tests, emotional aspect....and the never-ending sense of uncertainity about the future. It haunts us all to some degree or another. But you are showing great strength in handling this - although you may feel like a complete wreck - just keep being the great wife to your husband as you are. In time you'll see - things will get better.

I agree with all the posts right above mine here with this addition. Post treatment depression is a reality, especially for a second time event. I know in my own case if I had not been put on anti depressants, (Paxil) I would have put my head in the oven. He may need counseling with a doctor trained in survivors, and capable of writing the Rx for a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. After about 3 weeks on it, my mood and attitude did a 180 turn.......

I have Dennis on an anti-depressant. Zoloft-50mgs once a day. This was prescribed before the cancer was diagnosed, but he continues to take it.

I'm at a stalemate with wondering where this disease ends. I know it is a survivor's platform....but what about those who are wondering about whether they are seeing their loved ones die? This is what I'm dealing with.

I see him sleep 18 hours a day. (a man who never slept over 6 a night) One who worked at least 12 hours a day and pulled most weekends. Now he can't fill the bird feeder in the back yard.

Has anyone been told what the signs are that your loved one is not getting better? Has any doctor come up to you and told you what is really going on?

Mandi

Without seeming to dismiss your concerns, perhaps more than one person in your household is clinically depressed and in need of some assistance. It is something that you might consider for yourself, and it is not uncommon for the caregiver to be under as much stress as the patient, enough to sometimes require medication to get things back in balance. I don't remember how long your husband has been out of treatment, but using myself as a scale, I was 8 months out before I really wanted to spend anytime out of the house, most of that time I was laying around, napping, sleeping an interrupted sleep all night and into the late morning, (up with meds, bathroom, etc. on and off all night long) and watching TV, feeling weak, depressed and basically like a slug with no energy. The treatments took the wind right out of my sails. When I did start to come back it was a short walk down the driveway, then a week later down the street, then a week later around the block. It just doesn

Hi Mandi, How long has your husband been out of treatment, or is he still currently going through it? I can tell you honestly that my husband also sleeps "all day" literally, except occasionally getting up for the bathroom and to have a small meal, etc. I think like Brian said, your husband...my husband...and anyone else going through this, are most defintely changed people. And we, the caregivers are changed too. Let's face it - this is a life-altering experience, not just for the one battling the disease - but for everyone else in the family as well. Like you, when things seem especially bad for my husband - I can't help but think the "worst case scenario" - and Lord knows, everyime I turn around - I don't know how my husband is going to be feeling or what mood he is in. For the past 2 days now - along with the other problems - he has had bouts with nausea and vomiting and a "pins and needles" feeling in his stomach. When I hear things like this - it's so easy to lose your head without getting a professional's opinion as to what's going on. I guess what I'm trying to say is - I realy do understand how you feel Mandi. But I am learning not to stress myself out so much without getting the facts. It's oftentimes, easier said than done...but I'm doing my best to handle things, as I know you are as well. We just have to be strong and keep forging ahead and look at life from a new perspective. I'm not saying I'm some kind of "ms. sunshine" always upbeat and whatnot - I get in the same depressing rut about this a lot too. But for the most part, I'm trying to keep my wits about me - as I'm sure you are trying to do too. I hope this helps you to some degreee. Take care.

Wow! It is really extraordinary when you just "happen" upon a thread that hits home and you think you are reading about your own feelings and emotions, but theyr'e someone elses

Brian,
I appreciate your concerns, and yes, I'm also being treated for depression. It is something that I've dealt with for years, and many things have happened lately to test my stability with the condition. But, I really feel as if I'm going through all the emotions that my husband has but won't question. You are right.....(as always! I will take a list of questions with me on Tuesday when we see the oncologist. Hopefully that will clear many of my concerns.
Thank you,
Mandi