Hi all, I am a oc survior, almost 2 years. My husband revieled to me this weekend, that he is really struggling with fear of my cancer coming back. I think it is causing him to put up walls and he is just really having a hard time with this. I don't know how to help him as I have my own fears. I am sure he is terrified of losing me and having to go through this with me again. I know its not easy and as a man cause their just not built in to be a care givers. Will it get easier for him? I occasionally have mini panick attacks about my cancer, I think it is similar to Post tramatic stress disorder, and I now realize he does to. If you have any words of wisdom as care givers, I would appreciate it.

Thanke you

Wendy,

Try and tell him that after 2 years without a recurrence your survival percentage is way up there and besides he can't prevent it if it were to occur. Heck you also still have the main weapon at your disposal even if it did come back so that's a good thing. I'm sure there are professionals that can assist him and you to deal with these fears so you might consider that if all else fails.

I'm sorry hes struggling with it I've been in both positions and it's hard! Just try to reassure him - my RO said - after two years recurrence highly unlikely... Have him talk to you dr. Maybe without you present - that way he can maybe ask brutally honest questions he thinks you might not want to hear the answers to... One he heats it from a professional things may brighten for him. Hugs!,,

Thanks, It so hard to remember the more positive stuff sometimes. When were always waiting for the world to drop out from underneath us.

One of the many revelations I've had through this cancer ordeal is that fear and worry are useless emotions as it pertains to the "what ifs". We cannot control a recurrence, it will happen if it happens. We cannot control future events...all we can do is hope for the best of the future and live in the current moment to the fullest.

That is what makes life so sweet and special and exciting really. It is the reason to love deeply, tell those you care about how much they mean to you and appreciate every moment as it may be your last. If we learn anything from having cancer it should be that.

Fear, worry, I have no time for them as I'm to busy living and loving to waste the moments I've been blessed with on anything else.

Keep your chin up

Eric

Hi Wendy,

Congratulations on being a survivor! You are a survivor and your husband is a co-survivor! Enjoy every minute of this huge gift you two have been given. Enjoy the result of all the effort you and your husband have put into you becoming a survivor.

I think that building walls is pretty common in trying to avoid pain. But, I think some people realize that it never works, it only takes away precious time that could be spent living fully and loving completely. Fear takes things away--it never gives.

If someone loves, and it causes them to worry, he or she needs to back up to the part where it is love. And then, express the worry framed with love instead of love walled out by fear. I would rather say too much, be too vulnerable than have people not know how much I loved them. I'd rather take a chance at being hurt because I loved than being safe and never knowing a heart and soul-deep connection. Your husband loves you so much he is afraid to lose you--there is that connection. He just needs to surrender to it and not fight it. Fear is causing him to fight it. So many things that come to us in life are difficult. But, I'd rather feed my heart and soul, even if it is difficult at times, than be comfortable but starving. Then again, I rarely take the easy route.

There is a poem, "The Invitation" that I recommend reading. It can be found on the internet. The author is known as "Oriah" or "Oriah Mountain Dreamer". Sorry for getting a little new-age-y here. But, I think it cuts to the heart of what we need from people in our life. It is an invitation to share a life together as well as an invitation to be present in living life. It really is a beautiful poem that distills the heart/soul connection on many levels.

You and your husband got through treatment and recovery as a team...you are still a team now that you two are survivors. There will be times when the stress is high--I think everyone here (survivors, patients, and caregivers) understands the pain of follow-up appointments and scans. Don't jump ahead too fast...take things as they come and don't worry unless a doctor tells you there's something to worry about. Hold each other up and keep each other occupied. That way, you'll be investing in each other rather than throwing your energy away on fear.

PTSD can afflict both survivors and co-survivors (caregivers). It is a real issue. You and your husband may want to talk to your doctor about managing it. A good step is making sure you have a fully stocked survivor's mental tool box: a strong positive attitude, accentuating what is good and what works, boundaries for worrying--only allow a few minutes a day and then redirect your thoughts, distractions and hobbies, spending time with people you love, and anything else that brings you joy.

Best wishes to you and your husband!