he is so far away, yet right beside me.
I cannot fully put myself into his shoes and understand facing mortality head on, nor I suppose can he place himself fully into mine facing being the one left behind.
The great counselor that he'd found to talk to left the cancer resource center, so he's not talked to anyone in a while. He's feeling jaded. Angry. Miserable. He voices complaints out loud as if I weren't right there... It makes me sad. I offer comfort and it's rejected. Trying HARD to not take it personally. Wishing I could curl up in a blanket and sleep this day away, but instead am at the office, trudging on...

Sorry you are going thru such hard times. I feel so bad for both of you! Some caregivers use anxiety meds. Dont be afraid to take care f yourself and go that route if you need to. Same goes for Matt, maybe he needs some meds to help ease his mental anguish. Please Christine take 10 minutes per day just for you. Turn off the tv, phones and computer. Go out and take a quick walk. Anything to make sure you are in a good place to help Matt. Being a caregiver is an often thankless job. Wish I had you in my corner when I went thru it!

Oh I am so not looking forward to when I will become hard to live with, because I am sure I will. I already don't like my new chemo and I've only had one treatment. Reading things like this I hope will help me know how hard caregivers have it. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but I sure am not wanting to make anyone else's life miserable and I'm sure Matt isn't doing it on purpose either. Praise to all caregivers!!

I did go this morning to get more anxiety meds for myself. Matt has been on some and antidepressants for a while now, but he's really disengaged lately. I've heard reference to 'chemo brain' before but haven't really understood it, so I will ask his MO when we see him on Thursday.

Christine, Thank you for the awesome compliment. I do the best I can given the situation I am in. I am praying that I am strong enough to go the distance. Those 10 minutes each day really can help me center myself and I will put post it notes everywhere if I have to so I don't forget to take them.

Bloop19, I am saddened to read your sig line. Sorry that you got the news you did in Jan. We(Matt)are much in the same boat. I pray that you enjoy each day as it comes. We(caregivers) know deep down that its not personal.

Love & prayers
Christine

He's been in bed for another couple of days now. He's not coherent, doesn't know what day or time it is when he wakes. He was up searching the bedroom with a flashlight at 3am trying to find his 'watch' aka cell phone. It was on the bed. I showed it to him and tossed it his way. He just looked at it, shook his head like 'huh' and kept on rifling through things. Then he fell down, was a little embarrassed and angry it seemed when I asked if he was okay, so I let him get up on his own, he crawled back into bed barely, and had a fever of 101.7 this morning.
I've got him an appt for blood work with a nurse practitioner this afternoon. I've also asked that they check his brain tomorrow during his doc visit.
Will be happy when he's back.

At the appointment today he's alert, ornery, and driving me absolutely MAD!!! I understand he wants to feel independent, but DAMN! He was about to pour some coffee in the waiting room. I said, "sweetheart, I'll get that for you" Of course that wasn't to happen, and I ended up helping him mop up a cup because he felt the need to try and pour from a foot high into a little bitty styro cup half full of sugar and cream already. What the(#&$)@#*%^ was he thinking? Next, he's getting on the table, seems as if he's about the take a nose dive, so the nurse reaches out. He says he's ok, she said, I just don't want you to fall. So in a moment he fakes us out and has a good laugh at our expense. I AM TRULY glad that he is able to have a sense of humor. My stress/ulcers from worrying about this clown however are not so glad. After they didn't find cause for infection/fever they took blood cultures gave a script for antibiotics and we were on our way.
On the way home he asks if we can stop by Sam's and Best Buy so he can browse around (he's already mentioned that bills can fk off this month, he wants a new laptop... I'm on my own to figure out how to pay rent/util this time around.... So, I say, NO I HAVE to get back to WORK!
He says, fine, I'll drive myself. Some of you may recall a time when my darling husband was medicated and demanded to drive himself around... cost us a set of rims and tires.
What do I care he asks??? I PAY THE INSURANCE DMMIT!
UGH!

Once home, I just break into a good cry, tell him I'm exhausted and there will be NO foolishness tonight interrupting my sleep and left to return to the office.
(Where I'd rather update y'all than do any actual work)
Besides, my mind has no idea where to start anyway.

Praying for a good nights sleep and his car to be in the driveway when I get home.

Christine

PS - I love you all for listening

you go girl let it all out xxxxx.Message me anytime ,i am the undisputed expert in difficult husbands as my blog will tell you lol.

Christine, you are doing so much as Matt's CG and doing a super job of it, too! I still remember some of the good cries I had during my son's Tx, but I had just retired so I didn't have to get to a job on top of everything else and the relationship of the CG mother is probably quite different from the CG wife. As Christine(B) says, you do need to make time for yourself and I hope that you can. Liz is right about being the "undisputed expert in difficult husbands". She did give us some memorable posts! - I'm sure she understands more than most, what you are going through from the wife CG perspective. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you and for Matt. Do get back to us often and let us know how you are doing.

Liz - I've read and re-read your blog. Thanks for writing it.

I fear my darling husband is going to make me a fine runner up for expert in difficult husbands.
He got himself kicked outta Best Buy and asked to never return.

Sheesh.