I have noticed nobody has had any complaints or issues for a while being a caregiver, or they are just coping with it by themselves. I read an old post from Elianne was it? I am going thru the same thing, BUT I noticed her husband(? bad memory today I guess if that's wrong but I am at work multitasking!) was a non smoker/non drinker, my boyfriend is both and very abusive in doing so. I'm at my wits end. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up on "us" and let him go on his life by himself. He is not eating, he is drinking and smoking and believe me I have done and said all that I can and for my own health and wellbeing, I think I have to let him go after 13 yrs. It's not that I'm afraid of the cancer or what can happen, it's that he don't care about himself let alone me, the one who has loved him for the past 13 yrs or even my kids who he has been more of a father to than their own dad. I can't live watching him sit downstairs in front of the TV with his beer and cigarettes as his lifeline. He won't eat regularly or some days at all, or drink any boost or anything either and he lies to his family that he does 4 a day. HAH! Liar! I bought a 12 pack of Boost the 24th of Oct and he still has 7 left! He still has the same amount of cans from his feeding tube he used to drink before alcohol came back into his life bad again. I ask him did you eat he used to lie to me and now he says No. He may, may eat 1 time a soup or something but 1 time in like a couple days. How does he survive? He went to the oncologist for his 6 mo checkup for his Non Hodgkins, he said he got his flu shot and I asked him how much he weighs and he said the same and I asked him again and he said the same and finally he told me 125 I'm like that's NOT the same he weighed 131 last month he is not even maintaining his wt at all! He's 6'1" he's a skeleton, he has written himself his death sentence and there hasn't been one even given to him! So I told him yesterday he has to leave my house, I can't watch him do what he is doing to himself and watch him die. So I came home from work and he was downstairs as usual smoking and drinking and watching TV. I went out with my daughter for our usual BW3 Wing night when I came home he was in bed looking all somber, I asked him if he wanted something to eat he agreed to some soup but the soup he wanted was Campbells EXTRA Noodle chicken soup, and he did not want it pureed. He tried, he couldn't he drank what little broth(he said don't put alot of water in it half a can which I did) and he sat there. I asked him if maybe he wanted some yogurt our something, he shrugged his shoulders. Next thing he got up said I'm getting a beer. 1030PM...I went to bed. So I wrote on the fridge on our posting board he needs to eat 3 times a day at least and not til AFTER 5pm the beer. I put ALL the food items he has eaten in the past on the sink by his medication. I put you will get better and start eating and taking care of yourself OR you may leave. Your choice. The writings on the fridge.

Hi
Its a long time since i have read a post that mirrors the ones i was writing 3 years ago.There have been a few,but husbands from hell has been a quiet subject of late.I don't want to bore everyone here all over again but i will look up some links for you to follow and at least you will know you are not alone.I did leave mine for two weeks after a great deal of soul searching and talking it over with my OCF family,but i went back and was so much stronger after the break.

Its a hard job watching someone you love self destruct,and you need help.

Hi Suez. First I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. If Ron is smoking or drinking and not taking care of himself the cancer will come back. Being a caregiver is difficult even when you are taking care of someone who tries the best they can to do everything they can to help themselves. I know you two have been together for a long time but it sounds like Ron doesn't give a shit about himself so how can he give a shit about you or your feelings? I can't even begin to know how frustrated you are. I know you have been together a long time and you love him but this situation is not healthy for you.

You NEED to take care of yourself or he is only going to make you sick physically and emotionally. You can't LOVE him out of this. It sounds like he has just given up on life.

He probably isn't taking you seriously about him leaving. I know I couldn't stand by and watch someone I love slowly kill themselves. Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? That might help you.

You are not alone in what you are going through. Most people don't like to discuss their personal struggles but having been on these message boards for awhile others have walked in your shoes. Stay strong! Take care of you! Hugs, Wanda

thanks Cookey, and he's not my husband though together 13 yrs it's not in writing anywhere. and the house...it is mine, i got it when I got my divorce his name is not on it. I picked this guy...he was a mess, more than what he is now with his drinking and drug abuse(i know it's like me finding a stray dog lol)his family was/is astonished on how he has become so responsible and staying with me(he never was with anybody longer than 6 mo)having a steady job(he is now on disability since 08) and taking on raising my kids but it was NOT easy and of course it still isn't now with this dreaded disease messing with him again. I've dealt with his alcoholism and drug abuse is now just maybe some "smoke" every now and than which I don't mind but I sure wish it would kick in the appetite a lot more! He used to have a belly on him between his drinking AND my cooking I made him eat but before I met him his friends and cousins told me he would hardly eat, he drank beer all day long when he wasn't working and when he got home from work it was a 12 pack...he started up with a 6 pk and now up to a 12 pk again. as well as 2 packs of cigarettes a day. His credit card shows every day $15 dollars a day from the gas station up the street, you know how much that adds up to? OMG it's crazy. He only gets so much a month from social security and a whole $16 in food stamps. He is on medicaid and has been since 08. I can't help him anymore if he don't want it. I lay in bed and wonder if he will be dead when I wake up. How can he survive on beer and cigs?

I have found the thread.Its Alcohol and Cancer dated 20th May 2007 post number 1058.If you click on my name and click on view posts in the drop down menu it will bring up my posts .I think the thread is on page 169 or thereabouts

ok will check thanks

Suez - I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time right now. Living with an alcoholic is really a crazy-maker and when cancer gets thrown in the mix, it gets pretty rough. You really do have to take care of YOU. As Wanda mentioned, Al-Anon does help. I went when I was married to my alcoholic ex and I came away from the very first meeting feeling such a welcome change just knowing I was not responsible for his choices. Just being able to share with some local Al-Anon friends may provide some extra help for you. Ron is going through something really rough and the alcohol and smoking is probably the only way he knows how to cope right now. Trying some healthier way is too scary for him. Would his cousins or friends be able to help or talk to him? I sure hope things can improve for you and for him. I'm sure that reading Liz's posts will help. Take care, stay with us and let us know what's happening.

Hi SUEZ,

You have motivated me tremendously with a few of your posts as of late. My father is an alcoholic, I was headed down the same road before all of this. When I was diagnosed I did the same thing but it was literally in a window of 24 hours, I had the thoughts of " Well I already got it, so what the hell? " and " Who gives a crap, I would rather be drunk anyways." But I swear to you right here and now, when Korinne came home from work early the next day and saw me smoking that second to last cig, because I tell you I was getting ready to make that drive when the car got home. But I am telling you when she gave me that look, I knew it...I cried when she turned around and walked out, cried like a baby watching the ash fall off what had given me this disease. I knew that if she was not going to give up, what in the hell was my problem?

Needless to say, that final cig went down the toilet after advice from OCF friends and family. I am now over 90 days nicotine free, I still have 4 beers from a six pack I bought a month ago. Same thing, each time I sipped the beer I just felt wrong, I felt sold out. Other than pot which I vaporize daily at internet medical measurements and doses lol. But now I just say to my self, " I will not let this run my life and tell me it is ok to die, I am not giving another damned dollar to them!" After all this I am also considering going vegan/vegetarian. But I will stop my rant, just trying to tell you I hope he catches it and does not let go when the look hits him. It was a magical and empowering moment, I felt I had a purpose, Alcohol will not let you have that. Now being around people who are drunk annoys me more than you would ever imagine.

Your Friend,
Nathan

Oh yeah, sorry guys...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIB3SbUB1Lk

Suez - I think that Nate's post just gave us a look into what it feels like to be facing such a difficult decision to make. Ron has probably had the same thoughts of: "Well I already got it, so what the hell? " and " Who gives a crap, I would rather be drunk anyways." I do hope that Ron can find the strength someplace to do the same, but ultimately, it is his choice. And I hope that you can find the strength to take care of YOU through all of this!
Nate - Great post! Keep the videos and updates coming!

Great...crying at work...man I don't want to do that.:( You guys rock! With the writing on the fridge, he wrote OK next to Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner than beer after 5. I hope he follows thru, that's all I can do is hope. I'm not saying another word to him about it. His decision. Live for himself and for the ones who love him, is his decision. I will wait for that moment maybe that you had Nate. I can only hope. He told my daughter he is depressed, well hello alcohol is a depressent, duh. I was thinking bout calling his doc and seeing if they could maybe prescribe him an anti depressant. What would anybody suggest? I myself have Xanex for those days I need some help getting thru the day, but not very often, they are from Feb 09! And Nate you just go right ahead with your medical smoke, I have no qualms bout that when folks are going thru chemo. Ron did it when he had chemo (I'd actually prefer that over his drinking right now) when he had NH Lymph every month for 7 months and the only time he got sick was the final month, we think they double dosed him! lol Nate you keep up the fight, I think you will come out of this just fine, with Ron radiation really sucked, but he still took care of chores around the house to keep busy, but took quite a few naps during the day, and he used to apoligize to me when he did and I'm like whatever Ron hell you do what you need to do to heal and get better. #1 EAT! Your body can't heal without nutrition! Remember that Nate. And follow the instructions you get from them about rinsing your mouth, and taking care of the burns you may get. It does help! Luv ya all! I gotta get some work done here today but will be checking in of course!

Suez,
What a tough spot to be in, but also not a very good role model for your kids. Cookey has been down this road.
Cookey-I remember every post of yours from back then.
All the best,
Rob Jaffe

Oh my kids are all grown, 36/27/22
not abusive drinkers 22 yr old not a drinker at all.
oldest 2 smoke, but not chain smokers like Ron. I used to tell them when they were young and this may not have been nice but I said "use Ron as an example of somebody you don't want to become"
I think they have headed this advice. We love him dearly, he is a great warm hearted generous man, with a problem. Now with more than we all could have imagined. I want to say I saved his life from an early death and gave him something worth living for and showed him how to love and be loved and to give love when we first met, now I just say it is up to him to save his life this time for himself and those who love him. It is his choice whether he lives or choses to die at an early age.

I called his doc who performed his surgery(the removal of the cancer) and told them about Ron's depression. I am waiting on a call back from them to see what the doc decides he wants to do. And dammit how could I forget to tell them he's not eating and how much he only weighs now. Wonder why the Oncologist he went to see from his NH Lymph didn't do or say anything, and as I was typing this I thought, he probably lied to him stating he was eating. I wish I could put him in the hospital to get better. Somewhere.

Suez, my heart goes out to you and what you are dealing with. I dont think I could manage this at all. Im glad Liz (Cookie) has came back to OCF for a while. She went thru abosulte he**. She is one of the sweetest, kindest people here. Im also happy you made a thread for this situation, now everyone can focus on this problem and give you support and advice. Wishing you all the best and hoping today is a good day. Sometimes you just gotta take it one day at a time or even on bad days hour by hour. Prayers to you!!!!

so I am really trying not to "fuss" I just called him and told him my daughter is going to bring him his Burrito Supreme from Taco Hell he asked for 2 so 2 he gets. I asked him if he ate breakfast today...he said ya I ask what he says a Boost I ask you lying he said ya. I knew it cuz he is buzzed already so here he says lets see how it goes in Dec(his pet scan) and see if this was worth it, so more or less he believes he is probably gonna die and soon, in his mind he has given himself a death sentence. I asked him why he says that, is there something going on with your body you aren't telling me and he said no. I said you need to eat to get healthy he hung up on me. he called back said if you are going to call me to do this to me don't call me at all. I said I called about bringing you your craving food but wanted to know if you started what you promised by eating 3 meals a day and no beer til after 5. He said he more or less did that to get me off his back. Friggin Nice. I told him he is going to end up in the hospital he thought I meant after his PET scan I said NO NOW and soon if you don't start getting nutrition in your body besides coffee, beer and cigarettes all day long. He said I can find someplace else to go and I said by all means please do cuz I can't watch this what you are doing to yourself. He told me to quit reading on this forum...ya right. I am right now printing off your responses so he can read them himself and see he is NOT alone in this. He don't know how to work a computer...ya I know and I don't have the time to show him and can't when he's drunk anyway! I so wish I could print Liz' whole blog so he can read that! I took a 1/2 a Xanex today. I was getting heart palpatations. AND I'm eating damn chocolate! I HATE CHOCOLATE!

Suez - you print out whatever you want. It's your decision. You can always tape it to your refrigerator or even inside next to the beer supply. He'll have to look at it sometime. He may not know how to work a computer, but he can read. When my son would get "difficult" during treatment and afterwards, and didn't like my always telling him what he should do, I would print out what I thought he needed to know and left it right by his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up. Some people take advice/suggestions better from people other than the significant other or in my case the mother. I'm sorry to hear you hate chocolate!! I love it and If I was there I would help you eat it for sure. Hang in there. Better days are coming.

I don't post too much anymore - but boy, oh boy, did this thread ring bells for me! Frankly, I come and read occasionally but have too much stress to be much good to anyone. DH has not had a drink in 15 years.....now hooked on pain meds. To him, it's the same thing so I've spent the last year listening to he just wants to die, everything is awful, on and on. However, now (as of a couple weeks ago) we know the pain was really there and not just radiation damage. A root from a tooth (all pulled pre-tx) is thru the gums. So, now it's off the dentist to see if anything can be done. Fact remains that he's on pain meds and can't get off, is irrational, moody, cold and hot, etc., etc. Been thru a bunch of anti-dep stuff and nothing works. However, on physical exam last week there was no cancer and when we got to the car I blew my stack big time about how it's time to start thinking survivor not patient and get his head out of his a$$! (always the thoughtful spouse, right?) Guess my klonopin wasn't working real well . When I approached the doc back in April with tapering him off this crap I got a "90% of my patients are in the same boat" and that was it. I'm gonna leave off there and not go "full rant" but know you are not alone.....caregiving is tough, drives you nuts (got two grandkids at our house with FAS/fetal anticonvulsant syndrome as well), and leaves you worn out ragged. Reading Cookey's posts were the best thing I've ever done.....you're not alone in this. Take care of you or you can't take care of anyone else.

The Cheryl and Sue. If u ever need someone to talk to just PM me. My husband was a alcoholic and drug addict 10 years ago. He wasn't the one diagnosed with OC but I have been there when someone you love has one of these diseases. Without al- anon and AA my mentality now would have never been achieved.
Please remember this is a disease not something personal against you and that you may have the disease of enabling them without knowing. This is what your husbands know to do to cope.
Please take time for yourself. The hardest thing to do is making sure your ok. You cant make people change you can only change yourself.
((((((hugs)))))))

Suez - Susan is oh so right! Enabling the alcoholic is something that we get sucked into by the alcoholic who can be very charming and intelligent and good at hiding his addiction plus they can lie so convincingly. It's just a characteristic of the disease. Al-anon was a lifesaver for me and when I finally got the courage up to go, I was astounded at what a difference it made for me to be able to cope and to realize there were things I could do to help myself. You can PM me, too - I get my PM's forwarded to my phone right away.

Cheryl, nice to see you post. Sorry you have been thru heck and back lately. I know you have your hands full with the kids. Dont be a stranger!!!!

Suez, hope you are having a good day today.

I would like to suggest somethIng to you along a slightly different line. I don't know American law let alone the laws of your state, but you are living common-law so should you split up he maybe entitled to a portion of your house and bank account. Please go to a lawyer and see how you can best protect yourself should you need to leave or have him leave. These things are never simple and black and white. Laws change with some frequency so what happened to your friend may in all likelihood not apply to you.

We need to be practical in these things, it is hard enough under normal circumstances but drugs and booze and cancer are not normal. I really feel for you and the position you are in. He needs help but he has to be the one to help himself. It may be that he needs to be shocked into realizing how good he has it with his family. We don't want you so run down that you are the next one in the family with cancer, it does happen to caretakers you know.

Please keep us up to date we really care about how you are managing. It helps to talk so keep talking to us.

Light and blessings,

Meggie

Oh my goodness, Suez! Really pay attention to Meggie's advice and do consult an attorney. When my ex and I had separated, he in TN and I in Chicago, after a few months, he promised to quit drinking (many times over) but before I agreed to come to TN and reconcile, I told him he needed to put the house in just my name so that if divorced happened, I would still have a home for my children. We divorced and he's deceased now and I have the house but there are some conditions that could be a problem should I sell it which he had put in the divorce agreenent. So - please do consult an attorney to make sure there is no way you could have any problem in keeping what is yours. You do need to be practical and take care of YOU. If he sees you taking care of you and of your best interests, it may just shock him enough to start doing stuff for himself. Let him get his own burritos! (I think that's called "tough love")

Oh everybody, THE HOUSE IS ALLLL MINE. ONLY my name on the deed. And believe me he isn't that kind of person to take anything from me. If he would leave he'd take his clothes and other belongings and go. He really isn't like mean to me like threatens anything like that EVER. He knows this is my house even though I do try to say our's when speaking. I know you all think maybe I'm blind to say this but believe me, not once has he even considered or said anything to the contrary. He knows it was a good thing we never did get married, just because of all the medical bills and disablity and all. He is glad because I won't lose my house because of any of his bills.
Today, he just looks so so thin. He did get down some oatmeal and a boost yesterday and he slept more, it was a cold snowy day brrr. He is saying after he gets his PET scan he will see if he lives or dies...wth? Well I am off to do some shopping for Christmas and some grocery also, have to get home before our Cleveland Browns game 1pm est! Have a great day! PS made a HUGE pot of homemade chicken soup, he said he will have some later. I can only hope he feels that way later.

Suez,

You need to instigate a trial seperation. Give it 3 months. Let him know he is out for 90 days. If that amount of time away does not change his behavior, nothing will.

Just a note about living with an alcoholic....I did it once, won't do it again (which DH knows and he hasn't had a drink in 15 years +, we've been together 8 years +). I didn't do al-anon but I did read some of the co-dependency books by Melody Beattie...tough to even read some of the stuff because it hit home. Just a suggestion. As far as the meds - in DH's mind it's the same as alcohol - hooked is hooked - so he feels like he lost 15 years of sobriety. He just cold turkeyed out the valium. He actually was able to eat today...and a lot for him. Now to get rid of the rest. Hang in there Suez.....

K this is a secret between "US" here. I've been putting 1 25 mg of xanex in the morning with his pain meds, started Sat morning. WOW what a difference folks in his attitude! Really. So yesterday he "pigged out" I was so happy! He actually drank 2 cans of his formuala that he used to put in his feeding tube AT ONE TIME as he said. I gave him a hug, and before that he drank some boost in the morning. Later yesterday he had me make him a baked potatoe and he ate half of that with a ton of butter and sourcream, OH forgot about the spahgettios! AND I made a pot of homemade chicken soup and made him a cup of broth that he drank after he ate his baked potatos. HOLY COW right? I need to be home all the time to make sure he eats. He is complaining of his body hurting when he wakes up and I told him that without nutrition you maybe getting osteoperosis. He waved my comment off. I tried telling him when people are anerexic this does happen to them. I also gave him my bottle of multivitamin and told him maybe he should crush one up a day also. PS I put another xanex in his meds this morning, he thanked me for crushing his pills for him.:)Little does he know I really don't mind. lol

Suez, I could not ignore this post as what you are doing can be very dangerous and even fatal. While I realize that drugging your husband may be helping you to cope, it is absolutely wrong to drug someone without their knowledge, let alone perhaps jeopardizing their life.

Both Xanax and alcohol are central nervous system depressants and have a synergystic effect. This combination while it calms some folks can also cause very violent outbursts. Additionally, since your husband is so thin and undernourished, only a pharmacist or MD could determine a safe dose (if there is one).

I normally do not react so strongly on these forums but I feel very strongly about what you are doing (which is also illegal unless those Xanax are prescribed for him).

If you can't handle the situation, and/or are unable or unwilling to go to Al-anon, then maybe you should look into a separation. Just be sure that you are mentally, physically, and legally prepared to deal with the consequences.

Dodie

#1 NOT my husband. #2 He is acting fine and eating! #3 his damn dr's office is not returning my phone calls #4 he has been great, and happy and these meds are mild compared to Zoloft or Paxil or a stronger med #4 he's had worse drugs than this on top of the alchohol #5 did I say he's eating? Xanex takes the edge off how does any dr know what a drug will do to you when you first take it? #6 LESS DRINKING!Yes he is not drinking all day. And I know it's illegal but how many people do illegal stuff? He smokes marijuana. THAT is illegal. BUT it makes him hungry! Thanks for the insight. I already knew this, do you want to call the cops on me?

Suez,

Let me diffuse this before it goes the other way.

Reading both your posts I believe that Dodie was simply trying to point out the potential dangers of playing with combination's of drugs. She was only trying to help as we all are in our posts. Your situation cries out for help and we all wish we could provide the magic pill as it were. We all understand your frustration. Heck one has to be a Saint to be a caregiver in a normal treatment environment but add a complication like alcohol and tobacco abuse and not many people could cope with it.

My wife told me a year or so post Tx that she got me to take some sedative at some point which she said helped the both of us and I was totally unaware of it.

If you are still open to comments I would mention your apparent solution to his doctor and at least get their blessing.

sure David I knew I was not alone on this, cuz Ron says he don't need them! Denial. I am not going to fight with him anymore. And when I see that these are working for lets say a week I am going to tell him what I did. We don't keep secrets, but sometimes you just have to. I will tell him and I'm hoping this will make him see that he DOES need a bit of help. He's had issues all his life, he can't take alot of people at once, he's actually quiet and to himself, maybe Bipolar? Anxiety attacks? He get's nervous in a crowd, can't stay in a store for a long time, he HAS to get out. I've always told him they make meds for his condition, he chose alcohol as his drug as well as others before I even met the man. I know definately the wrong choice. But all the other drugs were stopped before I met him. He has never been married nor has any children of his own. My kids are his now. I feel that I have made a big difference in whatever has made him this way, I've given him LOVE, a HOME, a FAMILY he has never had and HAPPINESS. And I will continue with this as hard as it may get and if I can't do it than I will make that decision with him. Yesterday on a "happy note" he ate a Sara Lee single serve Chocolate Cream pie and than he had Potatoe Cheese soup my son who is a Sous Chef made and he ate a cup of that AND than tried to eat a been burrito! Ya he's eating...whatever it takes. PS he's not in la la land whatsoever ever! He is outside, putting a board up where my gutter fell down over our dormer, he's blowing leaves, he's picking up dog poo, doing laundry, working in the flower beds, he put up a lattice fence in the back yard if anybody goes on FB you will see his work. He's keeping very busy! And has been this way since he was diagnosed. He just needed to take the edge off.

My wife wasn't so patient with me as she said she spiked my VHC so she could get some rest from my complaining butt! Man you women are quiet, methodical and sneaky.

A very wise poster told me when I first came on to this site almost 4 years ago that I needed to keep a record of everything that went into my son's body and everything that came out as well. When a doctor sees any patient, it helps him/her to be able to treat or diagnose a patient. I'm only speaking from my own past experience of living with an alcoholic as well as being CG to my son. The only thing I would worry about is Ron's reaction on finding out he had been given something without his knowledge. I remember my ex's reaction when he assumed I put something in his sandwich I had not put. He came home one day from work and had a super big blow-up of a fit because he said I put mayo on his pork sandwich. After he calmed down I told him it was a turkey sandwich, which it really was. My ex's alcoholism was at the point where he could get physically violent if he thought things were not going his way. Suez - I'm sure you know Ron better than anybody and he does sound like a much calmer person than my ex was, but I think David's suggestion to let the doctor know about your solution is a good one.

I tried calling twice no call back from his Octolaryngologist's nurse assisant. She was "doing a project" I was told and would get back to me. I'm going to try again today. And Ron, you all don't understand how much this has helped him!!! He has eaten every day since I started!! I'm thrilled! His attitude is friggin awesome, I have not heard him once say he's depressed! He's outside working in the yard instead of hiding downstairs drinking and smoking. His appetite has exploded, he said wow I can eat all night if I knew it wouldn't make me sick. Last night he had the last of his Edwards frozen Choco cream pie it comes in a 2 pack slices, can of crm of broccoli and was able to get the broccoli pcs down also, and his rest of burrito he couldn't finich the night before and his boost to wash it all down and in that order too. lol So the eating is helping of course with the healing and he's able to swallow more things! Yay!