Cheryl, nice to see you post. Sorry you have been thru heck and back lately. I know you have your hands full with the kids. Dont be a stranger!!!!

Suez, hope you are having a good day today.

I would like to suggest somethIng to you along a slightly different line. I don't know American law let alone the laws of your state, but you are living common-law so should you split up he maybe entitled to a portion of your house and bank account. Please go to a lawyer and see how you can best protect yourself should you need to leave or have him leave. These things are never simple and black and white. Laws change with some frequency so what happened to your friend may in all likelihood not apply to you.

We need to be practical in these things, it is hard enough under normal circumstances but drugs and booze and cancer are not normal. I really feel for you and the position you are in. He needs help but he has to be the one to help himself. It may be that he needs to be shocked into realizing how good he has it with his family. We don't want you so run down that you are the next one in the family with cancer, it does happen to caretakers you know.

Please keep us up to date we really care about how you are managing. It helps to talk so keep talking to us.

Light and blessings,

Meggie

Oh my goodness, Suez! Really pay attention to Meggie's advice and do consult an attorney. When my ex and I had separated, he in TN and I in Chicago, after a few months, he promised to quit drinking (many times over) but before I agreed to come to TN and reconcile, I told him he needed to put the house in just my name so that if divorced happened, I would still have a home for my children. We divorced and he's deceased now and I have the house but there are some conditions that could be a problem should I sell it which he had put in the divorce agreenent. So - please do consult an attorney to make sure there is no way you could have any problem in keeping what is yours. You do need to be practical and take care of YOU. If he sees you taking care of you and of your best interests, it may just shock him enough to start doing stuff for himself. Let him get his own burritos! (I think that's called "tough love")

Oh everybody, THE HOUSE IS ALLLL MINE. ONLY my name on the deed. And believe me he isn't that kind of person to take anything from me. If he would leave he'd take his clothes and other belongings and go. He really isn't like mean to me like threatens anything like that EVER. He knows this is my house even though I do try to say our's when speaking. I know you all think maybe I'm blind to say this but believe me, not once has he even considered or said anything to the contrary. He knows it was a good thing we never did get married, just because of all the medical bills and disablity and all. He is glad because I won't lose my house because of any of his bills.
Today, he just looks so so thin. He did get down some oatmeal and a boost yesterday and he slept more, it was a cold snowy day brrr. He is saying after he gets his PET scan he will see if he lives or dies...wth? Well I am off to do some shopping for Christmas and some grocery also, have to get home before our Cleveland Browns game 1pm est! Have a great day! PS made a HUGE pot of homemade chicken soup, he said he will have some later. I can only hope he feels that way later.

Suez,

You need to instigate a trial seperation. Give it 3 months. Let him know he is out for 90 days. If that amount of time away does not change his behavior, nothing will.

Just a note about living with an alcoholic....I did it once, won't do it again (which DH knows and he hasn't had a drink in 15 years +, we've been together 8 years +). I didn't do al-anon but I did read some of the co-dependency books by Melody Beattie...tough to even read some of the stuff because it hit home. Just a suggestion. As far as the meds - in DH's mind it's the same as alcohol - hooked is hooked - so he feels like he lost 15 years of sobriety. He just cold turkeyed out the valium. He actually was able to eat today...and a lot for him. Now to get rid of the rest. Hang in there Suez.....

K this is a secret between "US" here. I've been putting 1 25 mg of xanex in the morning with his pain meds, started Sat morning. WOW what a difference folks in his attitude! Really. So yesterday he "pigged out" I was so happy! He actually drank 2 cans of his formuala that he used to put in his feeding tube AT ONE TIME as he said. I gave him a hug, and before that he drank some boost in the morning. Later yesterday he had me make him a baked potatoe and he ate half of that with a ton of butter and sourcream, OH forgot about the spahgettios! AND I made a pot of homemade chicken soup and made him a cup of broth that he drank after he ate his baked potatos. HOLY COW right? I need to be home all the time to make sure he eats. He is complaining of his body hurting when he wakes up and I told him that without nutrition you maybe getting osteoperosis. He waved my comment off. I tried telling him when people are anerexic this does happen to them. I also gave him my bottle of multivitamin and told him maybe he should crush one up a day also. PS I put another xanex in his meds this morning, he thanked me for crushing his pills for him.:)Little does he know I really don't mind. lol

Suez, I could not ignore this post as what you are doing can be very dangerous and even fatal. While I realize that drugging your husband may be helping you to cope, it is absolutely wrong to drug someone without their knowledge, let alone perhaps jeopardizing their life.

Both Xanax and alcohol are central nervous system depressants and have a synergystic effect. This combination while it calms some folks can also cause very violent outbursts. Additionally, since your husband is so thin and undernourished, only a pharmacist or MD could determine a safe dose (if there is one).

I normally do not react so strongly on these forums but I feel very strongly about what you are doing (which is also illegal unless those Xanax are prescribed for him).

If you can't handle the situation, and/or are unable or unwilling to go to Al-anon, then maybe you should look into a separation. Just be sure that you are mentally, physically, and legally prepared to deal with the consequences.

Dodie

#1 NOT my husband. #2 He is acting fine and eating! #3 his damn dr's office is not returning my phone calls #4 he has been great, and happy and these meds are mild compared to Zoloft or Paxil or a stronger med #4 he's had worse drugs than this on top of the alchohol #5 did I say he's eating? Xanex takes the edge off how does any dr know what a drug will do to you when you first take it? #6 LESS DRINKING!Yes he is not drinking all day. And I know it's illegal but how many people do illegal stuff? He smokes marijuana. THAT is illegal. BUT it makes him hungry! Thanks for the insight. I already knew this, do you want to call the cops on me?

Suez,

Let me diffuse this before it goes the other way.

Reading both your posts I believe that Dodie was simply trying to point out the potential dangers of playing with combination's of drugs. She was only trying to help as we all are in our posts. Your situation cries out for help and we all wish we could provide the magic pill as it were. We all understand your frustration. Heck one has to be a Saint to be a caregiver in a normal treatment environment but add a complication like alcohol and tobacco abuse and not many people could cope with it.

My wife told me a year or so post Tx that she got me to take some sedative at some point which she said helped the both of us and I was totally unaware of it.

If you are still open to comments I would mention your apparent solution to his doctor and at least get their blessing.