I have noticed nobody has had any complaints or issues for a while being a caregiver, or they are just coping with it by themselves. I read an old post from Elianne was it? I am going thru the same thing, BUT I noticed her husband(? bad memory today I guess if that's wrong but I am at work multitasking!) was a non smoker/non drinker, my boyfriend is both and very abusive in doing so. I'm at my wits end. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up on "us" and let him go on his life by himself. He is not eating, he is drinking and smoking and believe me I have done and said all that I can and for my own health and wellbeing, I think I have to let him go after 13 yrs. It's not that I'm afraid of the cancer or what can happen, it's that he don't care about himself let alone me, the one who has loved him for the past 13 yrs or even my kids who he has been more of a father to than their own dad. I can't live watching him sit downstairs in front of the TV with his beer and cigarettes as his lifeline. He won't eat regularly or some days at all, or drink any boost or anything either and he lies to his family that he does 4 a day. HAH! Liar! I bought a 12 pack of Boost the 24th of Oct and he still has 7 left! He still has the same amount of cans from his feeding tube he used to drink before alcohol came back into his life bad again. I ask him did you eat he used to lie to me and now he says No. He may, may eat 1 time a soup or something but 1 time in like a couple days. How does he survive? He went to the oncologist for his 6 mo checkup for his Non Hodgkins, he said he got his flu shot and I asked him how much he weighs and he said the same and I asked him again and he said the same and finally he told me 125 I'm like that's NOT the same he weighed 131 last month he is not even maintaining his wt at all! He's 6'1" he's a skeleton, he has written himself his death sentence and there hasn't been one even given to him! So I told him yesterday he has to leave my house, I can't watch him do what he is doing to himself and watch him die. So I came home from work and he was downstairs as usual smoking and drinking and watching TV. I went out with my daughter for our usual BW3 Wing night when I came home he was in bed looking all somber, I asked him if he wanted something to eat he agreed to some soup but the soup he wanted was Campbells EXTRA Noodle chicken soup, and he did not want it pureed. He tried, he couldn't he drank what little broth(he said don't put alot of water in it half a can which I did) and he sat there. I asked him if maybe he wanted some yogurt our something, he shrugged his shoulders. Next thing he got up said I'm getting a beer. 1030PM...I went to bed. So I wrote on the fridge on our posting board he needs to eat 3 times a day at least and not til AFTER 5pm the beer. I put ALL the food items he has eaten in the past on the sink by his medication. I put you will get better and start eating and taking care of yourself OR you may leave. Your choice. The writings on the fridge.

Hi
Its a long time since i have read a post that mirrors the ones i was writing 3 years ago.There have been a few,but husbands from hell has been a quiet subject of late.I don't want to bore everyone here all over again but i will look up some links for you to follow and at least you will know you are not alone.I did leave mine for two weeks after a great deal of soul searching and talking it over with my OCF family,but i went back and was so much stronger after the break.

Its a hard job watching someone you love self destruct,and you need help.

Hi Suez. First I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. If Ron is smoking or drinking and not taking care of himself the cancer will come back. Being a caregiver is difficult even when you are taking care of someone who tries the best they can to do everything they can to help themselves. I know you two have been together for a long time but it sounds like Ron doesn't give a shit about himself so how can he give a shit about you or your feelings? I can't even begin to know how frustrated you are. I know you have been together a long time and you love him but this situation is not healthy for you.

You NEED to take care of yourself or he is only going to make you sick physically and emotionally. You can't LOVE him out of this. It sounds like he has just given up on life.

He probably isn't taking you seriously about him leaving. I know I couldn't stand by and watch someone I love slowly kill themselves. Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? That might help you.

You are not alone in what you are going through. Most people don't like to discuss their personal struggles but having been on these message boards for awhile others have walked in your shoes. Stay strong! Take care of you! Hugs, Wanda

thanks Cookey, and he's not my husband though together 13 yrs it's not in writing anywhere. and the house...it is mine, i got it when I got my divorce his name is not on it. I picked this guy...he was a mess, more than what he is now with his drinking and drug abuse(i know it's like me finding a stray dog lol)his family was/is astonished on how he has become so responsible and staying with me(he never was with anybody longer than 6 mo)having a steady job(he is now on disability since 08) and taking on raising my kids but it was NOT easy and of course it still isn't now with this dreaded disease messing with him again. I've dealt with his alcoholism and drug abuse is now just maybe some "smoke" every now and than which I don't mind but I sure wish it would kick in the appetite a lot more! He used to have a belly on him between his drinking AND my cooking I made him eat but before I met him his friends and cousins told me he would hardly eat, he drank beer all day long when he wasn't working and when he got home from work it was a 12 pack...he started up with a 6 pk and now up to a 12 pk again. as well as 2 packs of cigarettes a day. His credit card shows every day $15 dollars a day from the gas station up the street, you know how much that adds up to? OMG it's crazy. He only gets so much a month from social security and a whole $16 in food stamps. He is on medicaid and has been since 08. I can't help him anymore if he don't want it. I lay in bed and wonder if he will be dead when I wake up. How can he survive on beer and cigs?

I have found the thread.Its Alcohol and Cancer dated 20th May 2007 post number 1058.If you click on my name and click on view posts in the drop down menu it will bring up my posts .I think the thread is on page 169 or thereabouts

ok will check thanks

Suez - I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time right now. Living with an alcoholic is really a crazy-maker and when cancer gets thrown in the mix, it gets pretty rough. You really do have to take care of YOU. As Wanda mentioned, Al-Anon does help. I went when I was married to my alcoholic ex and I came away from the very first meeting feeling such a welcome change just knowing I was not responsible for his choices. Just being able to share with some local Al-Anon friends may provide some extra help for you. Ron is going through something really rough and the alcohol and smoking is probably the only way he knows how to cope right now. Trying some healthier way is too scary for him. Would his cousins or friends be able to help or talk to him? I sure hope things can improve for you and for him. I'm sure that reading Liz's posts will help. Take care, stay with us and let us know what's happening.

Hi SUEZ,

You have motivated me tremendously with a few of your posts as of late. My father is an alcoholic, I was headed down the same road before all of this. When I was diagnosed I did the same thing but it was literally in a window of 24 hours, I had the thoughts of " Well I already got it, so what the hell? " and " Who gives a crap, I would rather be drunk anyways." But I swear to you right here and now, when Korinne came home from work early the next day and saw me smoking that second to last cig, because I tell you I was getting ready to make that drive when the car got home. But I am telling you when she gave me that look, I knew it...I cried when she turned around and walked out, cried like a baby watching the ash fall off what had given me this disease. I knew that if she was not going to give up, what in the hell was my problem?

Needless to say, that final cig went down the toilet after advice from OCF friends and family. I am now over 90 days nicotine free, I still have 4 beers from a six pack I bought a month ago. Same thing, each time I sipped the beer I just felt wrong, I felt sold out. Other than pot which I vaporize daily at internet medical measurements and doses lol. But now I just say to my self, " I will not let this run my life and tell me it is ok to die, I am not giving another damned dollar to them!" After all this I am also considering going vegan/vegetarian. But I will stop my rant, just trying to tell you I hope he catches it and does not let go when the look hits him. It was a magical and empowering moment, I felt I had a purpose, Alcohol will not let you have that. Now being around people who are drunk annoys me more than you would ever imagine.

Your Friend,
Nathan

Oh yeah, sorry guys...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIB3SbUB1Lk

Suez - I think that Nate's post just gave us a look into what it feels like to be facing such a difficult decision to make. Ron has probably had the same thoughts of: "Well I already got it, so what the hell? " and " Who gives a crap, I would rather be drunk anyways." I do hope that Ron can find the strength someplace to do the same, but ultimately, it is his choice. And I hope that you can find the strength to take care of YOU through all of this!
Nate - Great post! Keep the videos and updates coming!