Nate, so sorry you are having a rough spot. Depression and anxiety are TOTALLY normal... you have been through physical and emotional hell. My aunt's depression is just starting to lift. Also, please don't think that the doctors lied to you... your treatment is exactly what is to be expected with the diagnosis.

Most people have no clue how to deal with a loved one or friend who has cancer. They don't know what to say (and often say the wrong/stupid things). You have a finace and family who loves you and many here who love you too! I'd say that is about what most of us have.

Radiation treatments suck but you will come through it and you will improve over time.

I could be wrong but I strongly suspect that most all cancer patients facing treatment begin to question their beliefs about life, purpose, mortality and priorities. Maybe some others can address that here.

Anyway, you are always in my heart and prayer.

Dodie

Nathan, it might be a good idea to keep track of all your medications, especially if they get changed or modified. My son had so many different meds he was taking, it got to the point where I was really worried about whether he was taking the right dose or taking them too soon. He had bad headaches and he was also taking way too many ibuprofen which I found out can be very damaging to the kidneys. I finally made up a spread sheet with the different meds listed and which doctor had prescribed them and how often they should be taken. I gave him one copy and kept the other. I posted his on the refrigerator and he would then check off when he took something. I checked with the doctor about how much ibuprofen was safe and made sure he wasn't going over that limit as well. On the spreadsheet, I included phone numbers of people I talked to at the different doctors' offices. Maybe you could make up some kind of spreadsheet or your Mom or Fianc�e could. When people close to you are worried about you, it helps them have something to do to keep busy. Caregivers can get depressed and anxious, too and keeping busy is one thing that helps. Keep up the fight, Nathan. And keep us posted.

Heres the deal, I am a bit better today and apologize for being such a complaining whimp. A few may have missed this, I have not started RADS treatment yet and have the sore that popped up about a week ago maybe week and a half. I did not have any pain what so ever til about the same time ago, And the sore bleeds usually after I brush my teeth or do my flouride trays. I feel they have waited too long and my cancer is already coming back into play so I feel I am about to go through all this for nothing. So this has my emotions falling apart thinking I am trying so hard for nothing, keeping my mouth extra clean , quitting smoking and drinking , eating healthy , walking every morning and staying focused. It only hits me when I look in the mirror or when I spit out the toothpaste or flouride and see red.

And that really is the story of my life and past week or so, seeing red. What I mean by the docs, do you think they see the sore and know it is possibly still cancer but believe the chemo and radiation will take care of it? My thing is, why did they say I was a stage II right at surgery then after I get the death sentence number of IV? I really feel I wasted my life and I am not ready to die yet, there really is good inside of me, I swear I have a good heart but my previous selfishness and addiction took that away. I am only on vicodin right now and my perodex mouthwash, so I know it cant be that messing with my mind. I really need someone to be blunt as hell with me right now!

I go in monday for all my bloodwork and chemo on tuesday, I am prepared for all of that. I am not prepared for this crap to be back already, that is the true kicker. I do not like the unknown, I would actually feel more comfortable is they just said I have no friggin chance and to go live it up. I just hear the same ol' thing, I am young and stand a great chance at beating this etc etc. But if the good percentage of survivors are of those who caught it early and went to super badass hospitals then my future is looking dim. I am a product of the county who take their time with everything, and got staged the highest after surgery. I have changed my lifestyle, and never plan on looking back, I just want to catch a break, just one. Thank you all for listening, I have been good through most of this, it is just the sight of this little small pimple on my tongue screwing with me. My fiancee says not to worry because the docs would have said something, and also says even if it is that she believes the radiation and chemo should destroy it. Boy I hope she is right, as Joey Ramone once said " I just wanna live, Ive got to live my life. "

Sincerely,
Nathan ( the young pain in the ass frack )

Nathan:
What you're dealing with is understandable. The smallest thing right now can take you over the edge. What you're seeing and/or feeling is the reason for the new treatments you are about to dive into. You will attack this and you will win. DON'T YOU EVEN THINK OF LETTING ANYTHING PERSUADE YOU OTHERWISE. I felt almost doomed after the surgery and then learning it was back for another fight 5 months later. 4 years after treatment and I have a darned good life and a new outlook. Once in a while (Like everyone else) I can get some self pity going (When I can't eat a steak, open my mouth wide to shove a burger in it, run out of energy, or taste anything, I feel my speech is slurring, or my neck looks weird, etc). I am HERE, breathing, and loving the folks that I wanted to be here for. If it all started over again tomorrow I'll be right there in the fight again! Remember the big picture! I love your vids, they show tenacity and drive, and give all of us here a little bit of insight into ourselves and our journeys, and a reason to help one another, especially new members to the "Club." Don't ever give up!
Steve

Nathan,

If you are that worried about the pimple then INSIST on seeing your ENT or oncologist and gave them check it out and confirm/deny whatever it is. I had cancer reoccurrence whilst waiting fir a resection on margins that was clear but not wide enough- in two new spots!!! Every specialist said it wasn't cancer but I was going crazy with worry so the day before my second surgery was scheduled I rang up mu ENT and said I really really need him to check them out again. Well he did and as soon as he touched them, he confirm my worst fear but like you I'd rather know. I was at stage 1 originally but I have not asked what stage I'm now at yet. Insist to have someone look at the pimple so you have peace if mind.

Thinking of you.


Minh

Nate,

I had surgery and no radiation or chemo. About a month after surgery a small white pimple showed up on my tongue where the tumor was taken out. I waited a week, watched it, but it didn't go away. The more I played with it with my tongue or teeth it started to bleed. I thought the cancer is back, they didn't get it all, my mind raced, I drove my family and friends nuts. I called Moffitt within 2 days I was in to see the surgeon. He told me it's scar tissue from the surgery I thought Hmmmm sure it is. About 2 weeks later it disappear it hasn't been back since and I stopped playing around with it.

I also have scar tissure where they took out the lymph nodes on my neck I massage it daily it feels much better. I didn't know anything about scar tissue, it might be scar tissue your dealing with, just a thought.

I hope this helps. Hang in there...

I agree...get your ENT or who ever you need to go to - check the sore and confirm/deny it is cancer, then you know what you are dealing with. Until then you are spinning your wheels and not getting any where.

Keep your head up...otherwise you will step on your nose! ;o)

Michele in IL

Nate,

Many of us here had a Stage IV diagnosis from the beginning and with us, surgery would have been a last dash effort (aka "salvage") because the tumor was so large and had invaded a lot of tissue. Also, you have to know that even without a positive node biopsy, micro mets can occur without being detectable, hence the need for chemo and radiation.

I say all this to say that so far (three years out), even with no surgery, the chemo and radiation seem to have conquered Bill's cancer. If you have good ROs, they will know how to hit all the areas that might have mets...that is why the treatment is so brutal...it hits such a wide range of important body parts.

I am not diminishing the mental aspect of this but please understand that the most "Cancer Killing" aspect of your treatment regimen is coming up. Some of the sweetest words came from our RO at the end of Bill's treatment. "We got it," he said, with a lot of confidence. Of course, he can't know this for sure but, so far, so good.

Your last video, by the way, and this is coming from a Mom who notices stuff, was very upbeat and your speech was so much improved even from a week ago. I was thrilled for you. This is a roller coaster ride for sure and you will have good and bad days. We will all be here for you.

Hugs, Deb

Hi, Nate,
I have been following your posts and videos. You are getting great advice here and you are not alone. When my husband had just finished radiation, he was at his lowest point and very emotional. Lots of tears released almost uncontrollably at the oddest times. I learned from his surgeon and the nurses that his reaction was not unusual given everything he was bombarded with during treatment. Fear of the unknown is a big one, too. I encourage you to ask your health care team about anything and everything that concerns you. You are NOT a whiner nor a pain in the ass. It is the job and the goal of the Drs. and nurses to help you get well. And they do that best with your assistance. They won't know your concerns unless you tell them what they are.

Keep posting and unloading here. We are here to help.

Big (((((((hugs)))))))
Anita

Well friends, I am going to drag myself out of this house and go to a friends house and watch them make fools of themselves. I figure I should make the best of the weekend and not be such a debbie downer. Monday I go in for all blood work and will have my new team the Oncologists take a second look at this sore on my tongue. I am trying to stay optimistic and assume that the chemo and radiation will take care of it if it is you know what. Happy Halloween everyone, I will make my video tomorrow, I skipped today because well, I just wasnt up to it. Thanks for your support guys, you make me feel I can really do this. Lets see what this week brings me, until then I dont give a shit. Let the good times roll!

Your Friend,
Nathan