My husband has withdrawn the past couple of weeks, granted his ability to communicate has changed but he is withdrawing more and more. He will just stare ahead, acting like he can't hear and sometimes won't even respond to questions I ask. I have to nag to get him to hydrate, eat, exercise his jaw, etc. His treatment is going very well with minimal side effects.

I do all his care for him, he can't bring himself to care for his skin, trach, feeding, meds, etc. He has to do some of this himself but won't. I'm worried about trisimus.

I am exhausted so resilance is decreased but would it be wrong to get mad at him? Ignoring seems rude but I understand depression is to be expected.

Hi Gerri, I can relate to what you are talking about here. I've spent almost 2 years now trying to get Steve to care as much about his health as I do. It gets exhausting and frustrating. During treatment our biggest issues were showers, calorie intake and oral care. I felt like the biggest nag. In the end I had to back off and let him learn the hard way. He's a grown man so I had to let him learn and he did. But still even now he can be difficult. Especially when it comes to doctor's appointments. If he could continually reschedule them I'm sure he would.

Being a carer is one tough job. Some days I feel like Steve's mother, not his wife. But what he goes through and has gone through is harder. So normally I get my point across then leave it up to him to decide what he wants to do. And yes I have had and still do have moments where I get mad and frustrated with Steve. I'm human after all. But to get where we are now it's all been worth it.

Does your husband have someone he can talk to? It sounds like he is depressed so maybe there is a social worker or someone in his health care team that he can talk to. Take care of yourself Gerri and any time you need to vent come here and do it. I did and it helped alot.

He is a stubborn one and would never talk to anyone let alone admit he's depressed. However, just knowing that others have experienced same helps me more than I imagined. Thank you!! I'll continue to be patient with him. This board is a Godsend!

It is not uncommon for us patients to develop some form of depression post Tx. Mine was mild and I soon got over it but some have posted here theirs required meds. For me post Tx filled my head with "what now" questions and certainly the chance of recurrence haunts us all the time, especially early on. Even the slightest sore throat scares us no end. Add to all that our general state of weakness; our poor taste, lack of appetite and dry mouth and who wouldn't look at the dark side of life.

Gerri, after reading your signature and post I understand how your husbands behavior could be like this. He has gone thru so much more than most of us on here. I can sympathize with the chemo/rads and mandibulectomy. The mandibulectomy is a horrendous operation!!!! So many times afterwards I had wished I never went thru with it, the recovery and pain was awful. It made chemo and rad look like a walk in the park. Then on top of that he did get the chemo and radiation. Poor guy. My heart goes out to him and also to you as the selfless caregiver. Thats such a thankless job.

At the very end of chemo and radiation is when he will feel the very worst. Even if his side effects are slight, he still could be having fatigue and hearing loss is quite common with cisplatin. At the end of my chemo/rad time period, I wanted to quit tx and just go to bed and stay there. I did stay in bed, not depressed, just so tired it was an effort to take a shower. Talk with his doctor about what you are seeing and ask the doc what can be done. In just a few weeks after the rad is over he will start to recover. The hearing loss is a permanent thing. Ask to have his hearing tested.

Please dont forget to take a few minutes each day to take a deep breath and relax. Best of luck to you both.

Gerri, I agree with Christine about talking to the Dr. Sometimes, meds to get you over the hump can be quite helpful.

There was a point with Dave where I wondered where my wonderful husband went and if he was going to return. I don't know where he went but he's back, thankfully. Believe me, during that time my frustrations and fears were through the roof. And the guy I would normally lean on was the one causing it.
If he won't talk to someone, maybe you could consider seeing someone. It certainly helps to vent.
Don't feel guilty about getting mad, this disease sucks all the way around...

Hi, Gerri,

When my husband had just finished rads, he developed a post rad infection. The resulting surgery and HBOT just wore him down. At a follow up visit, I mentioned his emotional state privately to his surgeon. The surgeon was able to talk to my husband and reassure him that if he needed help, he could set that up for him. That conversation alone seemed to go a long way in acknowledging how truly difficult this whole head and neck cancer trip is.

The nurses at HBOT were also wonderful at drawing Clark out of his low. There are many people who can help you and your husband get through this trying time. Ask for help.

As for depression, I am the one who became depressed! As a caregiver, it is important for you to receive the help you may need for yourself. My PCP was my lifeline and she recognized the change in me, diagnosed it as depression, and prescribed medication.

I hope things improve for both of you. All my best�

Anita

Gerri - It's true, depression seems to be common in recovery both for survivor and caregiver and often the one suffering from depression does not even realize it. During my son's recovery, I had heard that some meds can cause suicidal thoughts and when I mentioned it to my son, he checked his prescription bottle and sure enough, there it was in the warnings section. He talked with his doctor who told him in his case he would be alright and right after that he seemed less depressed, probably it helped just knowing that it was something to be expected and that he could handle it. Don't forget to take care of you, too.

Thank you so much for the advice! You've helped me put things back into perspective and I know my attitude influences his so you've snapped me out of the "sads"--I couldn't buy better therapy! It seems so obvious but don't know why I didn't consider the possibility of post treatment blues for Jim. I'm going to take your advice and check into things the docs can do to help him through this.

Glad you are feeling better Gerri. Thats what OCF is all about, helping people get thru this. There have been several caregivers who have taken antidepressants to help them deal with the horrors of this awful disease. Best wishes for continued healing and better days are ahead of both of you! Dont ever forget we are here to lean on when you need us

Hi Gerri,
As a sole caregiver, with no other family members, I understand how exhausted you must be feeling. Gordon fell into a terrible depression, with anxiety and panic attacks, after he completed treatment. He finally started taking anti-depressants, and while not exactly Mr. Happy (which I wouldn't expect under the circumstances), it did seem to even him out, so he wasn't hitting the lows anymore. As for me, I've experienced the full spectrum myself, to the point where I questioned my sanity at times. I also have a guy who didn't take a lot of responsibility for his recovery, and I've had to nag, scream, cry, ad nauseum, to try and get him to do what he needs to do for himself. He is doing better now, though. You need some help and so does your husband to cope with the enormous emotional and psychological issues that can go along with this hideous disease. Talk to his doctors and ask for a referral. Best of luck, Anne