Anyone have there significant other avoiding the emotions and mental strains associated with going through a oral cancer situation? Meaning they don't really give you the support just in terms of being sensitive to and also listening and being concerned because of there own possible fear with it? I'm not sure if I'm making sense it's the best way I can say it I guess.

I feel like my spouse leaves me in the cold when it comes to talking about what I have been through. I'm thinking it's because they can't handle thinking about it but I wanted to weigh the reaction to others who might have experienced a similar response.

Well...with me I am the caregiver and I have a hell of a time getting Carol to talk to me about the emotions she has. Besides being physically drained, she is mentally out of it....At times she lets me know how she feels, but other times she's quiet. I read her body language, her expressions, what she does on a daily basis. I'm always asking her how she's feeling, etc., and I know when to quit...when she's ready to talk, she will. Even when I keep her informed about her appointments, her care, what needs to be done, sometimes she doesn't want to hear it, but knows it'll be taken care of. We've known each other 29 years and on occasion have verbally said what the other person is thinking. Does that make any sense? It's actually scary.

I'm sorry I can't answer your question as in this household it's reversed, but I do know what you're saying. Maybe there are other posters that can answer your questions more eloquently.

Linda

Yea i find myself being very disappointed.

This is a very rough disease. Emotionally, physically, financially....it tends to test the very soul, patient and caregiver alike.

Well if it has tested her then she keeps it to herself it's hard to tell really anymore..

So today I'm going to see about a small bump on the inside of my near my incision. Needless to say wife seems to have just left me in the cold on any of this from what I gather is her own fears. So I get very little of anything to help. I mean just some kind words even. zilch. Makes as worse as potentially having cancer and or getting it again.

I'm just rambling.

E-dog,

Does your treatment center have a counselor or therapist that you and/or your wife can talk to? You might not be able to get your wife to go, but it could be helpful to you. I went through treatment with my Mom as caregiver, so the dynamic was totally different, but I do know from talking to other patients, that major illness can be a huge source of problems in any relationship.

- Margaret

Yea I might just do that thinks for reminding me.

Dear Eric,

I'm so sorry your wife is not "responding" to you. I think it's a good idea for you to talk to someone else since she's not there for you at the moment. Hopefully she'll come back around.

I don't know if this will help, but my husband has been cancer free for 5 year's now. The first couple year's out it seemed like any bump, lump or whatever would absolutely freak him out (which is totally understandable). Seeing him so scared/freaked out would make me try to be the calming influence over him. I would talk to him soothlingly and try to reassure him that a bump/lump showing up overnight would not likely be cancer. I tried to be the "voice of reason" if you will. It did seem to help.

Another thought...maybe she's tired of talking about cancer all the time. For a caregiver it's very emotionally draining and maybe she just needs a little break to regenerate herself. I wish you both all the best.

Shelley

She can't be drained if she hasn't even showed up yet.