I discovered about 4 weeks ago that my husband of 23 years had been having an affair, for about 18 months, with a much younger woman.

Through my two rounds of treatment in mid 2008 and again in late 2009 my husband had been my greatest support. He took time off work, both times, and always seemed patient, loving and concerned.

Sometime after my treatment in 2008 this affair started. I feel such a fool for not suspecting anything. My 20 year old daughter had his mobile when a message from the 'other' woman came through and I later discovered a number of 'deleted' e-mails to and from this woman on my husband's work laptop. He admitted the affair only after he was faced with irrefutable evidence.

I am devasted, especially since my prognosis was very poor coming into my last round of treatment in December last year. He says that it only happened because of the Cancer! What a cop out. The affair started when I was recovering from my first treatment and for 9 months it continued while I was Cancer free, back at work and functioning on all cylinders.

He says he has ended the affair and will never have contact with this woman again. I have had a couple of hospital stays since finding out about this, due to getting a PEG fitted and Cellulitis to the face and neck. Once I got past these hiccups I asked him to leave and he is staying with his elderly mother.

I feel so betrayed and hurt especially after all we have been through. I am having counselling but that just confuses me all the more. I just can't understand how someone who was my biggest support and knew how hard my treatments were on me could betray me in such a devastating fashion. He says he loves me and that the 'other' woman means nothing to him. He is desperate to reconcile.

I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. A future without him terrifies me but I can't forgive, or understand what he has done. What do I do to move forward?

Sue G.

Good Morning Sue:

Not sure why I'm writing because I have no answer for you. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for the situation you are in. The cancer itself is bad enough, without having the other heartbreaking experience. Because he supported and cared for you through your treatments, he must love you. For me, it would just be so hard to ever believe him again. I know other women who have forgiven their husbands for the same, but they never are able to trust them. So, I guess you have to decide if you care and need him enough to "hope" things are over and stay with him, or close the book on him. You still are young enough to possibly start your life anew with someone else. I hope for the best for you.

julieann

Sue I am so sorry you are hurting. I don't feel that it's any of my business but please know I will listen if you just want to talk.

Time is the wisest counselor.

Debbie

It must be the "23" year mark. My marriage ended after 23 years due to an affair and other deal breakers for me. Only you can decide what to do - that's the good and the bad news. No one can tell you, but you. Trust is gone, so don't look for that to come back ever. What I learned after my 23 year marriage ended, was that I could make it by myself and support my 2 kids. I didn't give up my lifestyle - it just changed; and I grew so much during those painful divorce years. What it also did for me was open the door for me to be able to find my soul mate, Jim (and I married him even after he found out about having cancer) - there are people out there that will love you for you - cancer or no cancer. So, listen to the whisper that only you can hear, keep it all in perspective, and take it 1 minute at a time. Feel free to pm me anytime. Good luck! Paula

Thanks for the support Julieann, Debbie and Paula!

I am starting to get my emotions under control to the point that I am able to talk with friends and relatives without breaking down. My biggest issue when I first found out about his affair was that if the cancer came back where would my support come from, if not my husband? (Selfish I know) I now know that many family members, and some friends would step in and help as needed.

I have also realised that I am strong enough to move ahead by myself if that's what I need to do, but I find it difficult to envisage ever having a new relationship with all of the physical and self esteem changes this cancer has brought - scarring, nerve damage, PEG, swallowing issues etc.

I still don't know whether I am able to forgive my husband and we are taking it one day at a time. Although we are living apart we are in daily contact and for the time being things are amicable. The trust issue is my biggest concern, I can't envisage that I could take hime back without regaining some degree of trust first.

I will continue with counselling and take it one day at a time. It's a bit like going through treatment again except this time it's a purely emotional rollercoaster......and I'm still in that dark tunnel.

Sue,

The statistics on divorce in conjunction with cancer treatment are actually quite shocking...especially when it is the woman that has been diagnosed with cancer. A study done by a Dr. Chamberlain of the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance showed that a woman is 6 times more likely to become seperated or divorced then if a man were the patient.

Of course studies are studies and statistics don't make anyone feel better at all, but it shows trends in the differences between men and women when put in the caregiver's role...which in my opinion (and several others on these boards) is the hardest job on the planet.

It's not an excuse for an affair, however anyone going through emotional distress like that are more likely to reach out and try to take a break from reality for a while...does it make it right? No but it's a reason.

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for ten. Two years into our marriage I get a call from a friend informing me that my wife had had an affair and he felt I needed to know. I was crushed to say the least and it literally took years for me to heal emotionally and mentally from that blow...but I'm sure glad that my wife and I found a way to work through it. She is my best friend and after a time, I was able to understand her reasoning for doing what she did and was able to forgive her for it, as she's been able to forgive me of all the crap I've put her through emotionally over the years.

Personally, I believe that since we were able to make it through that time, we can handle anything that comes our way...even when I got sick. My wife is the best friend I've ever known, the closest person to me and my rock...so there is forgiveness and life after an affair if you are willing.

Keep your chin up,

Eric

WOW, Eric. What a testimonial. You are some kind of man! Your decision was a good one, and no one ever knows until they've lived in a situation after an affair whether it'll work or not. Yours did! So, I guess it's a case where everyone has to make their own decisions and pray whatever direction they select will be the best. Congratulations again, and hey, that pizza place is another one of your successes. Your family and friends are all proud of you, I know.
juliean

Thanks Eric,

My (new) psychiatrist at my CCC said a similar thing to me, in that this is a suprisingly common(if inappropriate) action taken by males when their partners have cancer. This information was interesting but still upsetting to me. Hearing your story and those of others who have reconciled after similar experiences does provide some hope that perhaps we can work through this. My husband is desperate to reconcile, but I still don't know if I have the capacity to move forward from this.

I thought that I had a solid, happy marriage, and that if anything the Cancer had brought us closer. That's how blind I was to this affair! This betrayal has hit me hard and I find myself bogged down in wanting to know details that my husband believes will serve no purpose in discussing. I feel like I have a right to have all my questions answered in order to either move forward and reconcile, or to make a decision that the marriage is beyond salvaging.

If I am able I would like to reconcile but I am unable to take that step without really understanding my husband's motives and his feelings for the other woman. (He says he has none but I don't believe that given the length of the affair -18 months- and that they also had a friendship for 12 months before there was any physical involvement)

Sue

Bless your heart Sue!

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kind of crap on top of everything else that's going on. I used to think that if I ever found out that my husband was cheating, he'd be out the door with a boot up his butt. As I've gotten older, my views have changed. You do what's best for you. You can reconcile and if you feel that it's not something you can overcome with him......you can always change your mind. Nothing is set in stone.

Big hugs headed your way!

Sue,

I'm glad to hear that you are getting counseling...talking through it helps...of course I say that but would never do it myself because I'm stubborn like that.

Every case is going to be different but I guess I view it like this. The ones you love the most, will hurt you the worst...but if you can't forgive the ones you love the most, can you really forgive anyone? Nobody is perfect and everyone will fall short eventually...knowing that helps put things in perspective. If/when you fall short, do you expect forgiveness? Of course you do.

Forgiving them helps you more then them. There's no sense in holding that hurt and anger inside. Of course it's easier said then done...I know. The hardest part of that situation was to let go of that hurt...but once I knew I could truly forgive my wife...and her me...that's when I realized how much I loved her.

I would say spare yourself the details though...the only answer I needed from my wife was if it was love.

8 years later, after a 2 year battle with cancer, we are making a dream of ours come true. My wife and I are an incredible team and are truly kicking butt in business. We took an abandoned pizza place and have turned it into a wildly successful business and are having the time of our lives...working insane hours but truly having fun with it.

The situation we used to strengthen our relationship...to a point where I know I can tell my wife "anything" and her me and we know there will be understanding and forgiveness...that was liberating to us.

Hope that helps,

Eric

Thanks Eric and Patty,

My husband is overseas, in the USA, for 10 days so I have some much needed breathing space. Even though we are living apart he has been finding an excuse to come home most days. I am really struggling to find forgiveness because I loved him deeply and trusted him completely.

For him to have deceived me for 18 months, or more, has cast doubt on every aspect of our lives together. I am still hurt and angry. I am sure that he loves me but I just don't know whether I can ever trust or truly forgive him. I know that if I allowed him back home now I would make our lives miserable and since our children (20 and 18 years old)are still with us I don't want to reconcile unless I can forgive him.

I definately need longer to make my decision, but we are going to a concert together when he gets back and for a 4 day break with another couple the weekend after. (Both events were planned and paid for before my husband's infidelity came to light) I hope that I will have some idea of 'where to from here' after that.

Sue

Dear Sue,

Everyone has given you such great advice. I just wanted to add that you need time to sort all of this through. I don't think it's good to make a rash decion when you're still hurt and angry.

One of my best freinds found out her husband was having an affair when she was pregnant with their second child. She went through Hell, but they were able to work it out (took a lot of time and counseling) and 19 year's later they are still together and happier than ever.

You've invested a lot of time/year's into your marriage. My prayers are that you decide to try to salvage it. If you try and it doesn't end up working out, you will know in your heart that you gave it your best. I am so sorry you are going through this...keep us posted.

Hugs,

Shelley

Sue, you are going thru a period that will involve the rest of your life. I cheated on my wife and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I never lied about it to her and even tho I had reasons to find comfort elsewhere, I wish I would have just used the upper brain more than the lower not thinking one. We are friends now and can finally talk, which she always wouldn't do before. We guys and yes you ladys have done the same and lived to regrte it. I hope you 2 work it out and can be happy again, not for your kids, but for the 2 of you. I just heard too many times. " if you have to, hurry up." I would get out of bed and take a ride to cool back down and gradually fell into the cheating game. Don't give up but try to forgive him. He must love you so help him in his quest to regain your love.

Thanks Jim and Shelley,

I had a really rough day yesterday following a counseling session where we discussed my childhood. My parents seperated when I was 11 years old due to my Mother leaving my Father for another man, who she later married. This event, and alot of associated heartache, has scarred me far more than I had known until now. Although I am close to my Mother I now realise that I have never forgiven her infidelity and the choice she made to leave my Father. This is also coming into play now and is, in part at least, contributing to my anger towards my husband for his infidelity and also to my inability to make a decision to permanently seperate.

Nothing is ever straightforward! Forgiving him is a far safer and easier option for me but the anger and hurt isn't diminishing and at times is overwhelming.

The emotional side of dealing with OC has been a breeze compared to this!

Sue

[quote=Sue G]

Nothing is ever straightforward! Forgiving him is a far safer and easier option for me but the anger and hurt isn't diminishing and at times is overwhelming.

The emotional side of dealing with OC has been a breeze compared to this!

Sue [/quote]

What I would say to this, having been there...time heals. The anger and hurt that you feel right now will subside. I felt those feelings, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't work, I couldn't think...I was just crushed under the weight of emotional turmoil. I never thought I could trust my wife again...and didn't for a long time. As those wounds healed though and my wife earned my trust again, our relationship went so far beyond what it had ever been.

I tell people...My wife and I have been married for 10 years, the first three I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, in fact I'd probably face cancer again then to go through that. The last seven years however have been the best years of my life, even going through my cancer ordeal. If cancer did take me, or does, then I was OK with that because of the life I had built with that wonderful woman and our beautiful kids.

My heart goes out to you Sue, and if I can offer you anything, it would be hope that love is not lost.

Eric

Hi Sue. I'm so, so sorry that your husband was weak, cruel and insensitive. Obviously this was not just some fling since you said it went on for a long.......time. I have always told my husband "if the day comes when I am no longer enough for you, please do me the courtesy of telling me and not disrespecting me and our marriage by sneaking around with someone else." Life is about choices. Do you think he would have ever told you unless he was caught? I would personally rather be alone than lonely. Life is to short and I could never forgive the dishonesty and disrespect. If you choose to stay together you will always be questioning where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.

I know they say that 50% of married couples do forgive and stay together but I couldn't. I also think it is very cowardly to blame the cancer on his immature choices. If someone is going to cheat - they are going to cheat and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it.

You also have the right to ask about the details and get every question you have answered by him. First and foremost, take care of yourself. You did nothing to make him go outside your marriage - it was HIS choice.

Dear Sue,

It sounds like you have an excellent counselor and have found out there are a lot more deep seeded issues for you to deal with than you realized. You've got a lot on your plate.

My heart goes out to you too. I think it's so easy for people to say what they would or wouldn't do until they're in that situation. You have to do what is best for you. And in time, once the dust clears, I'm sure you will make that decision.

I have been in counseling for various life changing events in my life (a previous divorce, my Mom's death) and it helped me so much. I pray it will help you too.


Love,

Shelley

I've been thinking of you today Sue and hope you're hanging in there. (((((HUGS)))))

Hi Patty,

I'm hanging in there and(very)slowly working through all the issues that my Husband's betrayal has brought with it. I have good days and bad days and even within the bad days I find some good moments. My husband came back from the USA today and we're going to a concert tomorrow night. (Yusuf aka Cat Stevens - I was a huge fan back in my teens!) We then are going away for 4 days with friends, so that will be a huge test.

We're still a long way from reconciling but we're taking it one day at a time. At the moment there is no trust but I do have faith that he will try to rebuild it. Time will tell.

Thanks also to Shelley and Wanda for your support.

Sue