6 weeks ago, my husband of 25 years was diagnosed w/ stage 4 base of tongue squamous cell, HPV "inspired" cancer...(his name is Joel, he is 52.) he had successful transoral laser surgery and now will have radiation and chemo for 7 weeks. he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown... he was given zoloft yesterday, to get him into a positive state of mind... he is a CHAMPION sales man/manager, always the highest sales figures and THE MOST inspirational mgr. to all of his regional sales people.... He CANNOT however get past the guilt that somehow he has "caused" this cancer by way of some periods of heavier drinking than healthy... he's not a smoker... he is extremely fit and hearty, but he fears he will leave me and our 2 grown sons alone and he's killing himself with anxiety about it...
the dr.'s have given him an excellent prognosis, telling him that he will "live a long life" and go on to "die of something else.... but he thinks that his drinking will have a negative impact on the "outcome" of his treatments....
thanks, just wanted to introduce myself before i "lurk", and i thank you all for taking valuable time to "communicate"....

Oh my heart goes out to you both!! I wish I could talk to him and tell him to LET IT GO. No one knows the reason we get these things....even if we smoked or drank or whatever - none of us live in a bubble and there is no doctor who will say "you got this because you _________" Sounds like he is beating himself up about history. We all have history, and being those human being type creatures that we are we don't live perfect lives. There are very few "blameless" diseases, but it is completely unproductive to spend a valuable TODAY worrying about YESTERDAY.

It will take a couple of weeks for the zoloft to kick in completely. I would recommend that your husband speak with a counsellor. He sounds like a very talented, busy man who - for the first time perhaps in a long time - has come face to face with his own mortality. Obviously that isn't an imminent event, but just looking illness in the face truly is a life changing experience.

I have a book which has helped me tremendously - it is called "The Power of Now". It teaches you how to live in the "Now". It is a very difficult read, but I recommend it more as an audiobook. I have listened to section 4 of the audio book 20 times I think. It truly does help us be awake and aware of each day and to learn from but release the past. All any of us have is NOW.

It would be great if he also would read/post here. We have been there and we can help. We do understand.

Donna

thanks for your positive advice... i will suggest that he join here, and thanks for the book info. sounds wonderful...

Donna: I read the Power of Nowalso and what it tells us to embrace really does make sense. If you are only aware of this moment in time, there is no guilt over the past or anxiety about the future. Been there done that. Another great read is Dark Nights of the Soul - A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life's Ordeals by Thomas Moore - it's easy to understand and uplifting - I had alot of ah hah moments from this one. Maybe we should all form a book club - lol - Beth

Donna,

Drinking does not cause an HPV inspired cancer, HPV does.

It will help his future prognosis if he quits the drinking, but that did not cause the cancer. How and when he contracted the HPV virus is like asking how you caught a flu 20 years ago. Many here have beat themselves up about doing something in their past that gave them HPV.

I say it's called living. Somewhere in his life he caught a virus, the where and the when become irrelivent when your doctor say's you have a good chance of winning this war. Concentrate on the battle ahead and forget the past, it can't be changed no matter how much you want it to.

You are so right Kelly...I missed that part about this particular case being HPV related. (Crossed eyes must have skipped a line!)

Thanks for the heads up about the Dark Nights of the Soul book - I shall look into it. All help appreciated!

Donna

Hi and welcome! I've only been a member for 1 month but have learned so much from everyone. If it helps at all, I am an almost 8 year survivor and my team of docs told me that same thing about prognosis - your husband should try and be open to it. Being bombarded with statistics and information can totally overpower our ability to understand any disease. Please listen to the members who have been there and back - they know what they're talking about. I do know that drinking does not cause an "HPV inspired" cancer but more than that - alcohol use - at this point especially - is throwing gasoline on a flame that's already burning. Is he still drinking or is this a past habit that he believes has caused the cancer? Since he's taking an anti-depressant, he should be careful with alcohol use in order for him to benefit from it. Ask anything you need to on this forum - you'll get support and answers. Beth

Lib,

Please have him call me at 727-322-5669 Monday or 727-434-0074 this weekend. Read my Signature Line to him.

Lib

Here are two links. Click on them print them out and leave them for Joel to read. Or read them to him.
first link. OCF on HPV Everything about HPV : how the causative factors for oral cancer are different. One quote from it about alcohol caused oral cancer and HPV oral cancer
[quote]The anatomical malignancy sites associated with each pathway appear to also be different from each other. In the broadest terms they can be differentiated into these areas; HPV related appear to occur on the tonsillar area, the base of the tongue and the oropharynx, and non-HPV positive tumors tend to involve the anterior tongue, floor of the mouth, the mucosa that covers the inside of the cheeks and alveolar ridges (the ridge area in which the teeth reside).[/quote]
You can trust this because it's an OCF reviewed site
Here is a news clip but not from OCF.
[quote]Brown University research, however, shows that alcohol and tobacco use doesn't further increase the risk of contracting head and neck cancers for people infected with HPV16. This finding, published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, is the strongest evidence to date that these major cancers have two distinct causes � and may represent two distinct classes of cancer � and would require different prevention and treatment strategies.[/quote]
Here is the OCF link to that study No link from alcohol/tobacco to HPV cancer
I know exactly how your husband feels. I was convinced that my alcohol drinking must have been too "social" because my first HPV test came back negative. But then why hadn't any of my drinking buddies ever gotten oral cancer and they drank lots more than I did and more often. Turns out bad test, and retesting showed both tumors HPV positive.
It was a big relief to have a glimmer of "Why".
Plus re read the HPV article: better results on curing HPV cancer. So let the facts cheer him up'
Charm

Welcome to OCF. You will find lots of support here that both you and your husband will find so helpful. Your husband has focused his attention on WHY. It does NOT matter WHY he has oral cancer. He has it. WHY will not change his treatment plan at all. It makes me feel so bad for both of you struggling with the pain of guilt.

The books sound like they are worth reading. I am going to pick them up on my next library trip.

Maybe its a bit of a trust thing going on. Your husband is used to being on top, the leader of the pack. Now he must rely on the doctors to make him well. He doesnt have the control that he is used to having with being in charge. The meds may ease his anxiety some.

Im sure your husband is very afraid. When I first found out I was sick, I was so scared I would die and leave my children alone without a parent. Im still here 3 years later. Its terrifying hearing those words "you have cancer".

If his doctors have given him a good prognosis, then he needs to focus on that. So glad you have found OCF. Best of luck to both of you.