I will chime in on this subject. Christine has been a great ear to help me through how my children are. It feels to me like my kids are removing themselves from me. My psychologist said this could be a self preservation tactic - "if I don't care that much then it wont hurt so much when she dies", but of course it distances us when I feel I need closeness more than anything. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. You cannot MAKE people be what you want them to be.

I believe they care, but somehow in my parenting I seem to have missed teaching them about how to SHOW they care.

Donna

Donna,
I doubt you missed on teaching your children about to how to show they care. You are a very compassionate person, you show everyone here daily how much you care, they learned it. I think they are afraid, and most probably are feeling the same distance because they may not be able to reach out. I am currently watching Eddie go through this with his mom. He lost his dad in April '08, he was there with him. His mom has alzheimers and parkinson's and has just recently been placed in the hospice program. He seems to be immobile where she is concerned, I can't figure it out. It bothers me because we are so different when it comes to this, I know he loves his mom so why can't he make himself go to see her now? I think it comes down to fear.
I wish we could all be closer to each other so that in times like this we could be there to hold each other when someone needs it so desperately. I hope this helped a little. The one thing for certain right now is that you can count on someone from this base to be there for you!
Love,
Donna

Glad there aren't too many Jeannas!! 2 Donna's in a row, well that's a lot!! You know, I feel sorry for any of these kids to a degree, but they make me so mad as well. They won't know what they have missed out on until it is too late. Doesn't mean I don't want to smack them & knock some sense into them....fear, as I've mentioned to David, is the real killer here.....in more ways than one. Fear causes stresss, which can cause cancer cells to keep growing. Please read Louise Hays 'you can heal your life'. It has saved mine in the past. Just believe, and want ot get rid of this s^%#t. Rod's kids wouldn't even watch the news on TV or read a newspaper to see what is going on in the world. I know that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. That doesn't stop me thinking about Rod's funeral because death is in our faces. When and if it comes to that,and I survive him, I swear I will not breathe 1 solitary word to them. that is how I feel about them. I wish they didn't exist. Dispise is a big strong word, and I'll only use it against his kids. Sorry if I've upset or offended anyone, not my intention.

WOW Cheryl - 50 lbs is a LOT of weight.

The saga of Elizabeth continues. In the past 18 months we have seen her 6 times. She didn't even call her Dad for his 50th birthday in September. She is going through some smelly, not bothered, sleep all day, not washing for weeks, trampy phase, arrogant and mean selfish phase. Martin repeatedly invites her for a coffee, a day trip to London, a day trip to Brighton... More often than not she does even bother calling to cancel, when we do call to ask where she is it's always "oh I have a heavy period" (what every 2 weeks?!!!???). Martin and I and family have decided to have her refered to the Doctor because we think she needs som sort of councelling. But he has been at her house for hours on end the past 2 days, helping her tidy up her room (imagine at the age of 17!), offering an ear, showing he cares, but with a firm hand as she is so unruly. But now, she's topped it! He went there to give the last few Christmas presents we had bought, that she hadn't bothered picking up since Christmas (she lives 10 minutes walk away by the way), and she was a monster, a horrible monster. She said, she didn't want to come and see us because no one is on her intellectual level (yeah! schooldrop out with no job!) and we just talk. Shae said we never joke and laugh Bull***s, we do but she rolls her eyes up and stares looking sullen. And when Martin asked why she didn't want to see him again the answer was "Well what's the incentive!". She brought tears to Martin, and even the consultants announcing he had cancer never managed that. He left after that. How could you come out with something like that to your own Dad? Surely the incentive is to spend time with a now healthier Dad! We have an appointment on Thursday to see the doctor for her, but she has now pushed to far. How can someone be so uncaring, unloving, and cruel? This is the last thing you need when you are recovering! We just don't understand! I can only tell Martin that he is doing the right thing to take her to see someone, and offer hugs and kisses and love. But I can't undo the deep hurt she has caused today. I really really don't understand, where did we go wrong?

Oh Cecilia, I am so sorry for the hurt you both are going thru with that awful child. The teenage years can be so terrible, its not possible to understand whats wrong with kids they turn into people we cant even recognize! You could talk and they would be mad, or stay silent and they will be just as angry with you. Nothing pleases them, they are so selfish that they wont even iniate a conversation. Think about how often when spending time together the child will bring up a subject to discuss. I bet never. That age and early 20s all seem to feel entitled to be given everything without having to do anything for it. The whats in it for me attitude seems to be how alot of these young people think. This is an age thing.

Ive had my share of rough times with my children. I gave them enough space where I waited it out til they eventually came to me. During the waiting period, I only spoke to them if they started the conversation. Then I was as short as possible. It was a painful process for me to basically ignore my children, but it worked. When my son came to me he apologized and admitted how wrong he had been. It only took him a couple of weeks. Now, my son is the best son a mother could ask for.

My daughter took longer when she hit that entitlement phase. It was almost a year of heck I went thru. She now appreciates me where before she was just like what you explained. One time she was asking me for something and I said to her, why should I give you anything, as an adult Im not responsible for you anymore so whats in it for ME? That was the turning point, she finally understood.

Please remember you are not alone with something like this. So many of us have had problems similar to yours. Im so sorry you feel like you or Martin did something wrong. It is not you, its the child and she is just being a typical kid. It may take a while but it will work out. Going to the doctor might help, someone who is neutral could be what she needs to understand your side of this. Patience and time will fix this.