| | Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 147 Senior Member (100+ posts) | OP  Senior Member (100+ posts)
Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 147 | Our neighbor (Pat) just came and got us to come say goodbye to her sister...when I heard the words "goodbye", I knew she (Pam) had died - diagnosis....breast cancer; which she has been battling for 9 months or so...of course Jim and I said we would be right there...I wasn't prepared for what it really was...she HAD JUST DIED! As we were walking over, I inquired about where she was and she was at their home...so I couldn't say no, so just kept walking. Jim asked if I was up for it and I said yes - - - we walked in and there she was; sullen, withdrawn and skinny - the position of her body was on her back with her legs drawn up like the letter "c"....I made a sign of the cross and we said the Lord's Prayer. We left after make "small talk" with her sister and brother in law. She had no kids, no husband....we barely knew her a year, but yet called into this precious moment between life and death. Jim is extremely upset (angry) and I'm upset and scared....Does it ever stop???? I'm so tired of cancer and hate the left overs...life! But then so afraid of what is left over afterwards....life or death...such a fine line, but yet so fearful! I looked at Pam's body and saw Jim, without the frailty....I want off of this roller coaster and our lives to be normal again!! Thanx for letting me vent....
Paula
Caregiver to Husband 50 yrs.young-non smoker/non-drinker; Stage IV - all treatments stopped August 2009
Lost the battle November 23, 2010
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,844 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,844 | Paula,
I try to steer away from this forum myself as I'm not a caregiver and generally don't believe I can relate or help on these forums much.
Caregiving is the hardest job on the planet and I will tell you now that I got the easier end of the deal when I was diagnosed. I can't imagine how my wife has done it.
I've had to shield myself and protect my emotions during this ordeal...and that meant not allowing myself around certain people or situations. I think what your neighbors did was horrible and insensative. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and please use this forum to vent as much as you need.
Young Frack, SCC T4N2M0, Cisplatin,35+ rads,ND, RT Mandiblectomy w fibular free flap, facial paralysis, "He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how"." -Nietzche "WARNING" PG-13 due to Sarcasm & WAY too much attitude, interact at your own risk.
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | Sorry, I just have to ask WHY would ANYONE want ANYONE exposed to that setting outside of the very very very very closest family and friend circle? Thanks for the memories.
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | | Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 | OMG I can't believe what your neighbor did. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and think she was in shock after the death of her sister and just not thinking. I can sure understand why you and your husband would be upset. I just don't "get" people sometimes.....
Shelley
Caregiver to husband Ron. Throat Cancer. Finished 35 radiation treatments on 11/21/04. 8/2/11 small lesion on lower gum, laser Procedure to remove. 3/6/12 Doc. removed another lesion on outside of his neck. Did a skin graft from his chest to replace the skin on his neck. Went to Heaven on 6/24/12.
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 476 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 476 | Paula, I'm so sorry you got drawn into that situation. All I can think of is "who does that"? My mom died at home under Hospice care from pancreatic cancer. I can't imagine anyone having to "share" that horrific image. I'm sorry that you both had to witness that.
Wanda (47) caregiver to husband John (56) age at diag.(2009)
1-13-09 diagnosed Stage IV BOT SCC (HPV+)
2-12-09 PEG placed, 7-6-09 removed
Cisplatin 7 weeks, 7 weeks (35) IMRT
4-15-09 - treatment completed
8-09,12-09-CT Scans clear, 4-10,6-11-PET Scans clear
4-2013 - HBO (30 dives) tooth extraction
10-2019 - tooth extraction, HBO (10 dives)
11-2019 - Left lateral tongue SCC - Stage 2
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 706 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 706 | Paula-What a shock that was for you and Jim. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else. Please call me or send me a pm if I can be of help to you.
cg to husband, 48 Stage 1V head and neck SCC. First surgery 9/07. Radiation and several rounds of chemo followed. Mets to chest and lungs. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Went home to God on February 22, 2009.
| | | | | Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,219 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,219 | I can't imagine anyone doing that to their worst enemy, let alone a neighbor.
I would have to assume that in her grief, Pat did not realize what she was doing by asking you to go. You have every right to be upset, but try to forgive her.
Jerry
Retired Dentist, 59 years old at diagnosis. SCC of the left lateral border of the tongue (Stage I). Partial glossectomy and 30 nodes removed, 4/6/05. Nodes all clear. No chemo no radiation 18 year survivor.
"Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger"
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 | Maybe she was looking for some sympathy for herself and needed consolde for her feelings. It was wrong but some people don't think when under stress or sadness very well.
Since posting this. UPMC, Pittsburgh, Oct 2011 until Jan. I averaged about 2 to 3 surgeries a week there. w Can't have jaw made as bone is deteroriating steaily that is left in jaw. Mersa is to blame. Feeding tube . Had trach for 4mos. Got it out April.
--- Passed away 5/14/14, will be greatly missed by everyone here
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 216 Gold Member (200+ posts) | | Gold Member (200+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 216 | So sorry you got called into that...having been there with my brother in law (liver cancer), stepdad (bladder cancer) and grandmother (old age and breast cancer) I just can't imagine anyone but JUST family being there - and sometimes not all of them! Vent on...this is sure the place to do it. Caregiving is alternately the most difficult and most rewarding task. As a caregiver after my mother's surgeries I was worn out, crying constantly, nagging but kept her out of the nursing home by bringing her home with us. Three years later she's puttering around her own home and running out to lunch with my aunt and uncle. On the flip side, caregiving is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life....like most of us, I'm dragging thru one day at a time because I can't think any farther ahead than that. Try to forgive her....she probably just needed someone to reach out to and didn't think about what she was doing.
CG to H with SCC BOT T4N2cM0 dx 12/19/08, teeth removed pre-tx; Erbitux & RT-done 3/12/09, PEG 2/9/09-7/14/09; ND 6/16. Pet 6/12-no mets except lymph node in neck removed on 6/16. Chyle leak,2nd surg to repair. Dilate esophagus 4/15/10. Clear PET 12/17/10
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 | I remember when I was my Mothers care giver. The worst person to come visit her was the preacher from a Chapel she attended. One day she told me how he just wanted to talk about his personal problems and not how sick or what she need to comfort her. I nailed this guy at the door and flat out told him that my mom had more problems than he will ever face and if he couldn't talk to comfort her, to get in his car and leave. That was the end of that cry baby.
Since posting this. UPMC, Pittsburgh, Oct 2011 until Jan. I averaged about 2 to 3 surgeries a week there. w Can't have jaw made as bone is deteroriating steaily that is left in jaw. Mersa is to blame. Feeding tube . Had trach for 4mos. Got it out April.
--- Passed away 5/14/14, will be greatly missed by everyone here
| | | | | Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 453 "OCF Down Under" Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | "OCF Down Under" Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 453 | Paula, I'm so sorry that you and Jim had to go through this. I hope you are both ok.
Wife to Steve 43. DX 5 May 09. T4N2MO SCC tongue, floor of mouth, lymph nodes & jaw bone
No surgery
Teeth removed 06/07/2009
radiation 13/07/2009 x 7wks
chemo 15/07/2009 x 3 Cisplatin
last TX 28/08/2009
25/11/2009 PET-lymph node activity.
08/01/2010 CT Scan-ALL CLEAR
03/03/2010-Peg removed
01/2013 left side of Jaw removed and replaced with pectoral flap.
23/12/2020 scan show lesion in tongue
01/2021 SCC stage 3 base of tongue diagnosed
01/03/2021 chemotherapy started.
| | | | | Joined: Nov 2009 Posts: 396 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Nov 2009 Posts: 396 | what a terrible experience to have to go thru.
Teresa
-----------
CG to ANDY. Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma (NPC)
T2N2cMxG4 stage 4. 43 @ dx 8/31/09
tx 9/21/09-11/06/09 cispatin/docetaxel/5-FU X3
PORT 9/9/09, PEG 12/07/09
35 IMRT-1/wk carbo 11/30/09-2/3/10
tx stopped due to complications
IMRT BOOST 3/08-3/12/10
PET 4/12/10 CLEAR!
PEG out 4/14/10
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