I am completely lost on this site. I cut and pasted this from my Team Inspire site; stage 3 BC, stage 4 HN cancer, Advanced Osteo. A member from this site suggested I send the following, and I suppose he wanted me to join; since I am a stage 4 HN cancer pt. But I have many posts. My screen name on the other site is GRANDmother 19. For some reason this site rejected the number, so I used 9 (BORING SO FAR)! Let me try this again.

When I was told in 2001 by a very detached shedoc that I had advanced third stage breast cancer, spread to nodes, (you guys know the medical term, but it was estrogen positive) in ducts or out of them, can't remember without looking in medical records, that the only thing running through my mind while she kept mumbling in the coldness she had brought into the examination room; so cold that it begged for a heated blanket they kept in a warmer for such moments I gather; so cold was my doctor that the atmospheric moisture had caused condensation to escape from her mouth; Stage three. Stage three, I thought; while she kept on with the "clinical" mubbling which was garbled anyway by my thoughts.

Okay. I can do this. It's only stage three. Then! My kids! Oh my God, JoJo isn't going to do well. How can I tell him? I can't tell him? My twenty-three year old baby. My son Christopher and his ever-loving wife happened to be visiting us for a couple of weeks in Nashville when I got the diagnosis. I told my husband and we told our number one son and daughter. Then Christopher grabbed his head and said, Who's going to tell JoJo mama?" He knew. He knew what I feared the most. Telling JoJo.

I could never explain the relationship I have with my two sons and daughter. Christopher, the oldest is the sunshine of my life, because that was the first lullaby I ever sang to him while rocking him to sleep...You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine....Oh! I almost aborted him three times in 1964. But couldn't go through with it. He knows the story! So my sunshine he will always be. And for the record, my husband is his father. I just didn't want to be trapped so young with a child, whose father I married when that child was 18 months old.

Genevieve is the absolute joy of my life (cuz she loves hanging out in the mall with me for hours; something sons just don't do - won't do). It's a great mother/daughter thing. She tries to decide which outfit or which pair of shoes to buy. It is always "which one?" It's been that way since we first shopped for kindergarten clothes. Even still. "Mama, which one should I buy?" Which one do YOU like best Genevieve, I say. "I can't decide. I love them both." Well get both of them. And I'll pay for one." She says, "No, I don't want you to do that. Just which one do you like the best?" Get um both I say again. "No! I don't want to.....ah..... well.....Are you sure mama?" She has always played me! I always let her play me!

She is a unique daughter I think, in that she shares her personal life with me in the most vivid of details. Quite hilarious actually. My four sisters are shocked by the things we discuss. I am in no way suggesting that my daughter is a "slut." O Lord! Can I use that word just this once? She hasn't had a boy friend in four years. Never married. And she isn't a casual dater. But she doesn't keep her cravings a secret shall we say. And beautiful. Oh my. Inside even more than the book cover.

This place has taken a huge chunk out of my time. I seemed pulled by some gravitational force. I should be writing more of my memoirs. But I turn my sight to this site rather than anywhere else. Not sure why. I'm not asking for anything. And I know I write way too much and stir up all kinds of shi.., I mean poop! Well as I was saying before I interupted myself.

I flew alone five days later to Los Angeles to have the dreaded one-on-one with my son JoJo (nickname stuck), even with all of the friends he grew up with in Nashville. But to anyone new, he is Joseph. To me; he is the apple of my eye. My runaway sperm baby later in life. And he knows it. He is the one who refers to himself as our runaway sperm child. He told me once that he was really glad he was able to swim faster than the other millions of sperm to get to that egg. He has without question, the most sensitive nature of my three children. And they know it to be true. It was decided that Christopher speak to him upon his return to L.A. A phone call would have been a very bad scenario.

On that first night with him we waited until his brother and sister-in-law went to bed. It was 2:00 A.M. We had talked through it all as much as we could. But I knew JoJo needed more. He stayed. The light was very soft. And there was only the "sound of silence" which can be deafening. I sat next to him on the sofa. Then he said, without looking at me, "Mama, you can't die now." My heart stopped. I had to hold it together. I told him I wasn't going to die. Then he did look at me and gave me a definite command. "Mama! You may not die! You will not die!" His eyes began to well up. "I have so many questions to ask you. But I don't know what they are yet. Don't die." JoJo, I said, how can you say that to me and expect me not to cry? The flood gates opened without a sound, and I drew my son to my chest. All of my tears poured unto the tears streamimg down his face, and as they hopelessly comingled I wrapped my arms around my boy in a blanket of agonizing love. I whispered, "I'm not going to die now." He said. "Promise?" I promised. A moment frozen in my mind for the rest of my life.

When I got the diagnosis of stage four head and neck cancer in 2005, I began writing my memoirs. I knew I had to leave something of importance, something of significance to my children other than a physical memento; a piece of jewelry or a favorite book to hold in their hands like a souvenir to remind them of my existance. Thought it would be good to share my entire life with my children and their children. My blessed GRANDchildren. Thus GRANDmother and 19 is my favorite number. And I mean a tell all memoir. Quite a read so far, none of which I just wrote, is included. Hmmm. Oh well.

The thing that prompted this whole journal tonight is the fault of all of YOU! I have taken so many of you into my heart. And my heart is not that big. I don't know what I can do, or say, or how to make sure I don't get bumped off this site, or actually I may be voted off BECAUSE I write too frigging much. But I thought it might help a bit to share my own pain with you and to tell you how I handle it in my own life. Because I would have been dead years ago if I didn't have a strategy for dying.

I soak it for all it's worth. I play the cancer card with every person I love! Early on, I remember one night when my sisters and I were going to a movie. I said, since I have cancer I get to pick the movie. So I picked the movie. When we walked out to get into the car I said. Since I have cancer I get to sit in the front seat. "Oh, okay," was their response. It took every ounce of my being to keep from laughing. I pulled it off.

Then one night while resting on my sofa at home, I was really really sick after chemo and vomiting in a small can lined with a plastic trash bag I said to my husband, "since I have cancer, would you mind getting up and emptying this, because the smell is making me sicker." He said, "Of course honey. Of course." And he immediately, ever so lovingly, so selflessly, without the slightest sign of complaint emptied that stinking vomit of green bile. And came back into the room, sat down and put my legs across his lap. I actually laughed to myself.

On a really good night, when I was feeling fantastic, a bunch of my family decided they wanted to go out and have dinner together. I knew that they were all craving the "eat all you want Chinese buffet" where you serve yourself as much as you can eat for ten bucks, and there is more crab meat than you've ever seen in your life. The crab meat in drawn butter was the ticket! And that's what they loved the most. Everyone met at my house. There were twelve of us. We talked for a while about going to a movie after dinner, and then my sister Donnie said, "I'm starving. Let's go eat." That was my cue. "Ya know you guys, since I have cancer, I'm really not tasting the Chinese buffet. I don't think it will agree with my stomach. I've been trying to keep my system more alkalized. And I'm really not in the mood for something quite so heavy." Dead silence! "Well, what exactly are you in the mood for aunt Lana?" asked my grown married niece Lua. "I'm thinking a light omelet with green peppers and no cheese. What about IHOP? They serve breakfast all night. And a lot of other things too. Burgers and stuff." Not a single word and I wish I had a snapshot of everyone's facial expressions. Again, I didn't break character. Then in the tone of a martyr I said, "No, nevermind. It's fine. I'll just have some of the won ton soup. Of course I did eat the grab meat without saying a word. And I could FEEL the vibes surrounding the core of my being. I swear dear friends, this went on for months, until one night when my sister's husband Louie suggested, when we were leaving a dinner party, that a few of us come over to their house and play cards. Donnie (the most outspoken of my four sisters) asked her husband what he felt like playing. He said he'd like to play some Texas Hold-um. And just as I was about to say something (to the contrary, like two separate tables of spades) my sister looked at me and said, "You better not play that F@#%&*#@ing cancer card tonight." Everyone gasped in horror. And then I just peed my pants. I laughed until I thought my stomach was going to empty inself of that wonderful meal. Then they all started laughing; so loud that the friends who had us over for dinner came outside. We shooed them back into their house. I was trying to talk, but couldn't get the words out without laughing. I told them that I was wondering just how long they would be able to stand me "playing" the cancer card. My youngest sister said, "You mean you have been joking about it all these months? Torturing us with 'since I have cancer' just to play a sick joke to test our loyality and empathy?" No, I said. I just wanted to drive all of you absolutely crazy so that no one would feel sorry for me. I just didn't know it would take this long for one of you to freak out at me.

We have never laughed so hard in our lives. Me especially. I mean, can you imagine that on every single occasion, I began my response with "since I have cancer...." My husband didn't think it was so funny. He hadn't recovered from Donnie's outburst. That man of mine is too pure hearted for this crazy world. I love the way he loves.

I do indeed have a very sick sense of humor. Now my daughter often says. "Don't even think about playing the cancer card - for this or for that. It's in our active vocabulary, "mama's playing the cancer card." "Lana's playing the cancer card again!" It makes it all better. Like putting a band aid over a skinned heart.

Whoever, whatever, whereever, whenever why ever, or however laughter gets an opportunity to show its head, espeically when it comes from the one who is ill. Go for it. Making others who love you, laugh, is probably the "Road Less Traveled." "Life is difficult." The very first sentence from that book.

And I am adored for it. Can't beat that! It's what I am able to give back to those who I love with all of my heart and soul, who have given me so much of themselves.

I just know a certain friend on Team Inspire is going to think this is another rant of self indulgence. Oh crap crap crap. It probably is.

"If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why oh why can't I?" Team Inspire is beyond my rainbow. Doesn't 4:00 A.M. testify to it?

I wish you laughter dear ones; even though I may not use the F word in what I consider "a" proper context. I mean I was an English and psychology teacher in university and senior high school - after getting my GED at age forty. That's another story. LOL.

BTW. I let my students use the word in essay writing as long as no other word could capture their feelings or describe the vividness of their thoughts. Nevermind. Forget I brought it up again. It's dead and buried. I can hang with F@#@&%#@. I'm cool with the rule. Good rule. Good night. Laughing!

Lana

Welcome to the OCF

Wow - love your post and after reading that I feel that I am getting to know you - which is awesome. I look forward to more of your posts - you have alot of insight and tools to give all cancer patients. Laughter can turn a bad day into an awesome day. I hope you laugh each and every day!

Donna

ROFLMBO Now that was really funny...the cancer card! The humor is what gets us away from it all.

Welcome to OCF! I hate that I get to meet you under these circumstances, but I have no doubt you are going to fit right in!

Lana

OCF is not Survivor Island and nobody has ever been "voted off" (although you can not play the Cancer card with us - oh, maybe the caregivers who are so great - but never us 2 or more Cancer certified card holders) I will have to check out "Team Inspire". Since this forum does not just have mature adults like us, for all the young ones (and the still young at heart), let me also indulge in a little nostalgia and post the entire song in honor of your first post. Why oh why indeed can't we go where troubles melt like lemon drops.
[quote]Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?[/quote]

Not much to say here but welcome aboard our home away from home. Jim

Lana,

I have only one question after reading one of the funniest posts on this forum....is The "F" word spelled "F@#%&*#@" as in your sister's quote or "F@#@&%#@" as you wrote it in your last paragraph? I'm confused.

Thanks you for the humorous bedtime read.

Welcome to OCF.

Jerry

I just told my husband this last night and he just laughed. Now he just gives me that look like don't you play that card! LOL Thanks so much for the chuckle and once again Welcome!

Welcome Lana! I loved your first post and look forward to many more. A great sense of humor is wuch a wonderful thing. My husband was diagnosed just before Christmas and kept saying "I got cancer for Christmas". Quite a few people who had never had cancer in their lives thought it was horrible that he was joking about such a serious thing. We thought it was a pretty funny thing to say! Unfortunately, we knew all too well that often humor is the only thing that can help you through these tough times. Our only grandson, Joey, lost his cancer battle two years ago, at the age of nine. His favorite color was "Rainbow" and "Over the Rainbow" was the song our Daughter-in-law played at his service. Anyway, Lana, keep posting, and Charm, thanks for posting the words to that lovely song. Thanks to you guys I have laughed and cried this morning, and my day will be better for it.
Diane

Hi Lana,

It must be something with us teachers. Taking an english course from an ONERY and most entertaining gentleman the first quarter I was teaching, I learned quite a bit from a 55 minute lecture he did on the word ShXX. Most informative and of course designed to wake the youngsters in the class up after a 3 day, party filled weekend.

Since then I have take great delight in finding ways to mess with peoples heads. My wife REFUSES to go shoping with me because I concider retail workers to be a captive audience and fair game for my entertainment. [{;-) Its also very convient to have store security right with you to assist you with your shopping!

Hopefully you will find some nice ideas in some of my blog posts here, I hope that you will give us detailed accounts of ALL of your stunts.

Lets colabotate!


Thanks for the laugh,


VC