Jill, I think the only reality anyone can know for sure is that it is/was cancer. From what you typed, I don't think it was a very nice comment from the palliative care doc. It was an insensitive comment and much too early to know. My observation has been that some physicians tend to speak too much and paint out every worst case scenario. They cannot predict the future.

I remember a comment I heard outside the hall of my room in the hospital between a nurse and the late night doctor making rounds. I was in and out of sleeping so they didn't know I could hear them. The nurse asked what was in store for me and my future? The doctor painted a grim picture about my survival for her. I was haunted by that conversation for a long time (perhaps even today)

That was over 5 years ago and I wish I had gotten out of bed and made a wager with that Doctor. My point is you need to have hope and they should not take hope away from anyone.

As far as the swelling, it almost certainly is lymphedema, the result of surgery. It will get better over time and he can get physical therapy to help. He may look pretty beat up for a while but it probably has nothing to do with cancer. The lymphatic system moves a fair amount of fluid. By removing the lymph nodes on both sides of his neck, the path for this flow is now restricted. It will take time for his body to adjust.

Live each day, one at a time!