I find myself intellectually believing in my eventual death, after all cancer is a vehicle of how, perhaps even when, but not a function of if.... as it will come from one means or another. All the while I find my ego's belief in the permanence of my existence to be firmly rooted. That two diametrically opposed concepts can exist within me is the height of absurdity.... Thankfully this dichotomy allows me to function each day.

When I was in Vietnam I became friends with a Buddhist monk of about 18 years old. His bombed out Temple barely stood on a regular route of one of our patrols. He wore around his neck a small bone. I was curious about it, and on inquiring, he told me that it was the finger bone of his teacher who was cremated after his death. He wore it to remind himself of the transient nature of our existence. (As in live in the moment, and do not think of the past or future.) He told me that one day, one of his students would wear one of his in the same manner. At 19 myself, I was quite taken by his comfort with it all (Especially being in a place where death was all around us on a daily basis.) and envied his peace with it all. I think that almost 40 years later I still do.