Ok....not sure where to start, what to say or what to do next. I am probably overeacting to some extent but upset and infuriated all the same.
Yesterday I came home from the shore after taking my little girl and two of her friends with us. It was an enjoyable time, though, I was very preoccupied about what may have been happening at home. My older daughter stayed behind to take care of mom, if she needed her, and also to attend a family friends child's graduation party on Saturday night. From what I've heard from several people, mom was 'chain smoking'. I don't think she should be around smoke, let alone smoke or continue to do so. I was upset and disappointed but I wasn't there to babysit.
When I got home yesterday, I was getting ready to have dinner out with Ed and the girls when my house phone rang. It was my mom, she sounded extremely upset and scared. She was calling from the ccc, she couldn't find my dad, who took her, and he had her phone, purse and pain meds. I called his cell phone over and over again, I callled her her's about the same number of times. I called the parking tower we always use, the officer there didn't see the car, mom said it was parked on street level. Mom called back and said she was going to walk around and look for him. I can't tell you how scared I was. I asked her to stay put but she said she was just going to look around and would call me back. I told her I would come down. I'm not sure if I am over the top with worries...but I drove down 95 like an idiot, calling their numbers the entire time. I finally got to the parking garage, drove down to the basement level and found mom's car--I was scared to look inside in case dad was in there and something had happened. He wasn't, so I parked my car and ran across to the hospital. I knew he wasn't in as a patient, because I had called on my way down, just in case. I was so scared and upset. I finally get to the front doors to walk in and I see my parents standing there looking at each other, kind of upset, but ok all the same. Suddenly, my dad looks out at me, he has the strangest expression on his face! My mom looks over and she looks blank. I go in and feel my fury brewing. You would have thought someone would have looked at their phone and decided to call me....but no. I think my mom forgot she callled me. My dad asked me, "What the hell are you doing here?" Not in a mean tone, more shock. At this point I look at my mom and she looks annoyed. She starts going off how she could find himn herself...this is after the phone calls where she is hysterical. I knew if I opened my mouth I would have had verbal diarrhea everywhere. I just said I was glad he was ok, I had to leave. They both asked me why, I just said because I was supposed to be out to dinner with the kids because it was my girls b-day. I turned and walked away. I could see their reflection in the glass, I could see they were agitated, and I didn't care then about their feelings. My father the entire time was sitting in the seats by the nurses station, only patients on the beds ever really sit there. I don't know how they missed one another.
I got in the car, flew back home, stopped for ice cream cake and when I pulled in my dad said something to the extent that I didn't get anywhere fast. I wanted to throw the ice cream cake at him. My mom suddenly starts in on me.
Apparently I have been taking over on everything. She doesn't want help from me. She wished she didn't have to look at me.
That was last night, I don't think she recalled any of this today.
When she woke up this morning, I walked into her room and asked her if there was anythign special she wanted to wear. She said she wanted to die. I dont' know what came over me but I said if you contiue smoking them, meaning her cigarette that was in her mouth, you'll get your wish. I've talked to her again and again about smoking. Aside from how bad it is for her, I have bad asthma and it is really bothering me to breathe around it. I also told her that I imagine that the doctors may tell her to stop treatment because it could be considered a waste of time. I have read about all the danger she is inflicting on herself. She is so angry with me. The cherry topper today was she couldn't find her 'brick or stones'....I asked, didn't want to, but did anyway....what are you talking about? She said she was carrying either a piece of brick in her pocket or stones so they don't know how much weight she has lost. I said that was the most assinine comment I could imagine hearing. I am beside myself. I went to the pharmacy to pick up her thrush medicine and broke down to the pharmacist. Sh said I should ask my doc for an increase in my effexor, and xanax. She said I am not alone, but I certainly feel like I am. Most of all, I am upset for my behavior and for my mom's comments about carrying stones, bricks....I am still waiting to laugh about yesterday and for the comments today....just don'tthink I ever will.
Is it normal to be this angry? I can't tell you how upset I am.
As usual, thanks for letting me vent.